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lost_82 posted:
Well, this is my first post here and I'm not even sure if I'm posting in the right place or how this works.
This is the first time i have opened up about everything that's going on inside my head (I do have a few friends I have given a very small snapshot to, however that's barely scratching the surface). I don't want to go to my GP as I have been in the past and he just dismisses me with anti depressants and never seems interested in helping me find the root or how to deal with it myself.

Well a little about me. My dad left when i was 4, stopped visiting at 5. Never thought anything of it really as I still had my mum. I was always quite shy, and in all honesty a bit of a coward due to my low self esteem and fear of failure. Nothing I did was ever good enough for me. I always criticise myself too harshly apparently.

Erm, rambling but anyway. I have taken a wide range of drugs (more than any of my friends, but dont touch any anymore) and have had a binge drinking issue since my late teens. Doing drugs and binge drinking helped me piss away (apologies for language) my education, even more frustrating seeing as i was academically intelligent.

I am frequently taken advantage of by my poor choice in friends (I wound up with a criminal record (noncustodial) because i was so desperate to fit in I just went along with the group of people i was 'friends' with at the time.). I have developed a false ego I think, where I make out I'm confident and happy when inside I'm hating myself for lying about who I am. I had anger management counselling 11 years ago which I found patronising so I gave that up. I just get so frustrated and have no way or no-one to vent to so I just bottle it up (again through cowardice and not wanting to upset people) until I just flip. I'm never violent towards people I just throw things and scream (more a roar with my voice) just like a petulant child is how I'd see it through other peoples eyes.

I have 2 boys with 2 women. Both mums cheated on me and stitched me up financially (not talking about child support before anyone says anything). I lost the best job I've had, after being a decent guy and helping a 'friend' out only for him to stab me in the back. I took that badly and became withdrawn. I've never been much of a talker, mainly because it makes me feel like I am weak. I'll help with anyone else's problems though without batting an eyelid even if I haven't even met them. During the withdrawn breakup period i found out my mum was dying. She passed away in sept this year after a 3 year battle with motor neurone disease.

I took it upon myself being the eldest of 3 boys to be the rock, suppressing how I felt to try and support everyone else which didn't work. I instead threw myself into the gym and binge drinking. I have managed to cut down on the bingeing(if that's a word) but I am becoming more and more irritable snapping at the smallest thing. I want to cry, smash thing just roar I don't even know what i am trying to achieve by writing this. maybe someone else is going/has gone through a similar thing,

It just feels I've squandered every chance I have been given, pushed away everyone who cared and its becoming apparent to me which is causing these feeling of helplessness, worthlessness, anger, shame and regret. I hate who I have become but see no way of changing anything.

And now I feel like a whiny person who thinks his life sucks when there's people who have been dealt far worse a deal than me.

I just don't know about anything anymore.

I'm lost.

M.
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Thomas L Schwartz, MD responded:
So- I am happy you spoke up here and am sorry for all you have been through. Have you ever seen a psychologist for weekly therapy? Given the traumatic things that seem to have altered your life, I would suggest someone who specializes in psychodynamic therapy- you will not be dismissed with meds, but they will help you, figure you out and ideally be more content


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