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Want to talk...but can't
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rusted posted:
Hi.. I am 16 years old and in last year of my schooling. I have been feeling low since I was 12. I don't know if I am suffering from depression, but I have most of the symptoms (except suicidal thoughts or self-harm. Too much of a coward for that...). I would like to know if I actually have the condition but can't talk about it. Not "won't", it's "can't". I did not know there was something wrong with me until last year. I just used to be too dull, and sometimes too happy. So I assumed that nothing was wrong. But for the past two years, everything seems wrong. The only thing that people knew me for was my good grades. But even that's slipping badly. And no, it's not my bad grades that's got me so down. The bad grades are because I am down.
I tried coping, but every time I did that, I ended up messing the plan. Every time. I know if i can talk things through, I'd feel a bit better. I have in fact done that before and it had helped a bit. Or writing about it also helped. My Favorite hobby is writing. But I get into trouble for that because nothing is ever private at home. So I write my feelings in a really long article and tear it up and throw it away immediately. It's stupid, but it was the only easy way to come out of gloom. But lately, I've lost all interest in writing. It's not making a difference. It's so sad that my favorite hobby is no longer helping me. So Sad.
And now, I have no way to relieve this pain. I have no one I can talk to. No friends. Mom and sister think I am lazy and non-commitmental. Not close to Dad. Not only that, like I said I used to talk about this before. But I realized that everything I revealed about me have ended up being used against me to hurt me. And I do easily get hurt. My fault that I'm not strong. So I can't utter even a single grievance about me. I just cry a lot, but can't talk. It hurts. I tried to talk. I really did. But something kept stopping me and I'd quickly change the subject. I am pathetic.
That's why I came here where no one knows me. Where no one can use my own weaknesses against me. A therapist is out of question. My family would come to know. I just want to know, if it's okay to talk here. I want to talk. I want to come out of this before my finals. Or I'd become a failure. But I just can't. What can I do?

Thanks for patiently reading through this.

-R
Reply
 
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rohvannyn responded:
You are totally welcome to come in and post here. I can completely understand not wanting to have your innermost thoughts be public among your family and friends, particularly if they might be used against you in any way. Anonymity is great - it lets you express yourself, which is REALLY important, but keeps you safe. Then when you find a friend you can trust, you will have the ability to talk.

Losing interest in favorite hobbies or pastimes is a symptom of depression. The good news is, it's fixable. You can come out of it. It may not be an instant fix but there are things you can do. I hope you can find some way to have a little privacy, that is a basic human need that is sometimes hard to maintain among worried family members.

Welcome to the group, it's good to have you here.
 
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rusted replied to rohvannyn's response:
Thank you for the reply. I understand there can't be any instant fixes or ways to snap out of this, but times like this makes me wish there were some. I can't handle the disappointed faces if I end up as a mess. Maybe I'd feel better if I write something here. I am going to, shortly, if only I can find some time alone.

-R
 
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rohvannyn replied to rusted's response:
It has helped me in the past to look at the small victories, and recognize them. That way I can see that I am actually making progress, not just stuck in a quagmire. I think writing would help, and I'm glad you found your way here.


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