Skip to content

Announcements

Please take some time to click through these links to find out more about our community.

What is a Trigger and When to Trigger a Post
How and Why to Report a Post
Visit our Crisis Assistance Link for resources. For immediate help, call 911 or get to the ER.


Futility of My Depression
avatar
scorpio012 posted:
I've been struggling with depression as far back as I can remember. I'm 59 years old now. I was incarcerated for nearly twenty years because of a drug offense and was released seven years ago. Not long ago I was diagnosed with three different conditions, one of which is Hep C. The symptoms from that leave me sick every day, like having the worst case of the flu every day for the past two years. Because of that I spend almost all day in my bedroom. I haven't been able to make any friends since I was released and even if I could, not many people want to be around someone who is sick most of the time. Before leaving prison I had so many hopes and dreams of what I wanted to do with whatever time I had left, but none of those things are possible now. It's extremely hard for me not to think about all that time that has been wasted in prison, mostly because it has such a direct impact on my life now. I wish I could put into words how hopeless I feel, my bedroom has become almost like another prison cell to me, and I feel like I'm just counting off the days until I die. I make $700 a month from disability out of which I have to pay the normal expenses, rent, electric, etc., so there isn't much left to do anything. I've seen a number of psychiatrists and a few therapists, all of which are paid from medical assistance and there aren't many psychs and therapists who accept that type of insurance so the number of people I can go to is very small, two psych's and two therapists. The psych's only job seems to be to prescribe meds which I have been placed on many over the years and none have seemed to help. I'm in and out of my psych's office in 3-4 minutes and all the both therapists have done is to sit and listen and only offer words of sympathy not advice. I don't want sympathy I need someone who will offer ways that will ease this depression. I have come very close to giving up recently and still have thoughts about it now. When I had said that before leaving prison I had so many hopes and dreams, I did, and realizing that because of my age there wasn't a whole lot of time to do those things before I couldn't do them physically. I'm so frustrated now trying to explain it all here not knowing if what I'm saying is making any sense or if accurately describes just how deep the depression feels. I never knew that depression hurt physically and mentally, but it does. I recently learned that the Hep C has caused Stage 4 Cirrhosis and although there is a new treatment available to treat the Hep C it still involves the use of interferon which has proven to increase suicide risks ten times in people who are already struggling with depression and before I can even hope to get that treatment I would need to have my psychiatrist to sign off on it and because of the level of the depression, that's unlikely. I don't have anyone to call to talk to, and there have been times where it will be two weeks before anyone will call and sometimes that's a wrong number but it's welcomed anyway just to hear someone talk. Is there anyone out there who can help me? If so please do, please.
Reply
 
avatar
rusted responded:
Hi scorpio012,

I understand a bit of what you are going through. I can't advice you as I am young in age and experience. But think of this as recommendations. Though I am not sure about prison life or managing ailments, I do know how it feels to be trapped, with no one to talk to. But let me tell you this, I am very glad that you are trying to make the situation better. That you are hoping it will be better. I am trying too. So I can relate myself to you. Hope is one thing that makes you, me and others face our lives.

I don't have any friends either. When I look at people of my age being happy and laughing, I wish to be like them. I don't know when I realized this, but I know that loneliness does not help at all. It is a black hole that sucks in all of what's left of our energy. It makes things worse. And with depression, 'worse' is an understatement. So reducing loneliness helps.

One does not need friends to reduce loneliness. There are so many people around us. Known faces or unknown faces - it does not matter. When I feel lonely, I go out. So when you are in a better physical state, try going out a bit. A walk, perhaps. Sometimes watching nature, unknown faces and kids, hearing voices, and getting fresh air are great rescuers. They do not distract you from your problem. They give us strength to face difficulties in our life. The give us some meaning, if only we can see the meaning. It helped me to come out of thoughts about quitting. Going out also helps to get a different atmosphere. A different air. It is better than monotonous surroundings. It may also help you improve your health condition. It is an open environment. So you won't feel like you are trapped.

Another thing that used to help me was writing. When you are at home, try it once. If you like it, it's good right? Though I will not recommend writing only the pains and difficulties. That is meaningless. Try including good memories, fun times and experiences. And also about how you'd like it all to look like, the choices you have etc.

I also feel reading books helps. Try keeping your window open, if possible. It helps you get fresh air.

I have no idea about meds, but you must already be on too much of it. Please make sure you never miss taking them. Do not compromise on you health. Eat healthy food. Follow the doctor's orders strictly. These things are in your hands. If you are following them, it already ensures you are taking the possible steps towards betterment.

And try to distract yourself when thoughts about quitting comes to your mind. Those are not good thoughts. If you have changed from your past, which you have, then you deserve better than that. I mean no offense, but I am proud that you have changed, have had dreams about what you wanted to do with your life.Try to find if those dreams included something possible now, given you health. Act on it. My support is with you, friend.

All those things I said have helped me in some way or the other. So I did not tell things that would never work. Don't worry if psychs don't understand. Most of them would not have undergone these situations.

Sincerely hope those things help you to feel better. Take care of your health and mind. Be strong to the maximum. Be wise in your decisions. Wish you all the best.

-R
 
avatar
scorpio012 replied to rusted's response:
Hello, Thank you very much for taking the time to read and then offer advice. It means more than you can know. You said that you are young in both age and experience, but from reading your words, that doesn't show. I will try the things you've suggested and thanks again for your help.


Featuring Experts

Thomas L. Schwartz, MD, received his medical degree from and completed his residency in adult psychiatry at the State University of New York (SUNY) Up...More

Helpful Tips

Sexual Problems from Meds..What to do!Expert
Serotonin type antidepressants can cause 5-30% of the time- sexual problems such as no orgasm, impotence, no libido. Consider that ... More
Was this Helpful?
29 of 37 found this helpful

Related News

There was an error with this newsfeed

Related Drug Reviews

  • Drug Name User Reviews

Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.