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Depressed going on ten years
downedairplane posted:
My name is Daniel. I am 30 years old, single, live with my father, but still close to my mother, and I am in the most depressing field imaginable: acting.
I've had depression for a long time, since my late teens. I have a tendancy to be very anti-social, I don't make friends easily, or I do, but I don't keep contact with them. The last time I had a girl in my house, friend or otherwise, without another guy in the house, was five years ago; my then girlfriend who turned out to be manipulative and turned many of my old friends against me. While we're on the topic, I'm also a virgin, although I'm okay with that; waiting for the right person and such.
Most of my days are spent at home (I do work, but I'm laid off until February), and I haven't been doing much other than playing video games and going online looking for... no reason.
Then this past Sunday, I found out about an audition that I've only dreamed about. But there's just one problem, it was for last month. My depression hit me like a sledgehammer. Add to that, we've had a snowstorm recently, and my car is frozen. So, I feel trapped.
It sounds weird but, my home, though a very well put together place, just seems to be where a lot of my depression lives and thrives; when I'm home, my enthusiasm dies completely.
I've been on medication for two years now, and it does well to take away my depression temporarily, but guess what, it yields another problem: I've gained 50 pounds! I look twice my age now! ARGH! I try to get myself to exercise and eat better to fix this, but I just cannot commit to anything. I'm like Ralph Kramden in that one Honeymooners episode where he talks about always starting things but never finishing them. That is so me. I feel like I should be further ahead in my life by now, but instead, I feel as though nothing ever changes. Whenever I do something wonderful in my life, I find it very easy to forget that it ever happened once it's all said and done.
I like writing, my true passion is filmmaking. I've been developing my own webseries lately, but YouTube erased my account for stupid reasons, claiming I had violated their guidelines, when I did no such thing. But it's okay, I've found another site to do that on.
I've been asked which I like the idea of more: being an actor or being a star. Well, I enjoy acting or performing in any aspect on its own, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't fancy the idea of seeing my likeness in toys or video games, like this film would've guaranteed. Okay, okay, I'll say it; it was for the next Star Wars film. Now you see why I'm feeling bummed.
But this of course is just the latest thing to get me down, I always have something to act as a trigger to get my depression going, people saying bad things about me, telling me how to live my life, and worse yet, those people always get their way, which tells me that my way of thinking is useless. I want to do one thing, Dad tells me to do it another way, or to just do something else entirely, and their way ends up working, making me feel horrible about myself.
I'm stuck and I'm always prone to bouts of being stuck, and I'm putting on weight from something that's supposed to be helping me, I'm just ready to snap. Help!
rohvannyn responded:
I could be way off base here, and I apologize if I am, but I think I may know part of the problem.

I think your depression may be partly due to percieved helplessness. You've been depressed nearly ten years? That corresponds to the amount of time you likely expected to be away from your parents. Now, I completely understand financial constraints. It isn't easy for anyone to survive right now and we do what we can to get by.

Since it's probably cost prohibitive to move out, take this opportunity to explore your options while you have some time away from work. Maybe volunteer somewhere once you have transportation again, such as a community theater, or perhaps your public access station. Do something you are interested in, that can fill your time till you get work again. It will help you get motivation and help you hone your skills, and possibly even make new contacts that will help your career.

Even if you can't move out, you can set some limits. You are an adult and the only thing other people can do is advise. Your decisions regarding how you live your life are yours alone, your choices are entirely yours. That can be really terrifying but it is also empowering and the way out of depression. Also, every day try to focus a little more on the positives in every situation. If our brains are primed to see opportunities, that's what we'll find. If we are looking for obstacles, that's what we'll find.

It's sad that you missed your dream audition, I can really empathise with that. This gives you a chance to look at why you didn't do it, so you can prepare yourself for next time, who knows, maybe you can make that dream a reality.
downedairplane replied to rohvannyn's response:
Thanks, Rohvannyn.
About my living situation, it's sort of back and forth. Somedays I really don't mind living at home, other days I just want out, thinking it's holding me back. Even when Dad's not around, it's like there's some sort of aura that lingers if that makes sense.
Don't get me wrong, I have done some great things in my life. It's just that when they pass, and I go back to the same place afterward, I end up feeling like "did I really do those things or was it all just a dream?"
You're certainly right about the decision making, thankfully, my Mom is much more supportive, encouraging me to try new things.
And the only reason why I didn't do that audition was because I didn't know about it. I ended up sending one in to the company just for the heck of it to make me be able to at least say that I did. I guess it was because I wasn't actively looking for it that I missed out. But you're right, I may still be able to make it happen somehow. Even if it's through a fan film; there's lots of those out there as it is. heheh
Thanks for the reply.
rohvannyn replied to downedairplane's response:
That's a pretty good idea.... some of the fan films out there are really well made and they help get your face out there. Either way, I wish you the best!

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