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    Depression sucks
    An_254817 posted:
    This is another of my first half-assed attempts to reach out to anyone else for help with my depression.. I've had troubles for the last 15 years, but a lot of it was just teenage angst growing up. Over the last 5 years, unfortunately, things have gotten worse. I've realized I had some troubles as a child and part of it is really affecting my adult life. It's gotten to the point where all I can do is cry helplessly and can't do a thing to help myself. I know all about triggers - I'm extremely overworked, stressed, have had some major life changes occur and don't get enough exercise or proper diet - but I do what I can to avoid getting down. I'm about to seek professional help, but I don't think I can afford it. My personal and professional life is suffering horribly, and I've lost touch with all of my occasional friendships and now the very few personal, close friends I have feel like strangers. I can attribute that to growing up and everyone living their own lives, but I know that's not the majority of the problem. I don't feel like I can talk to them anymore, which kills because I know very well that I can. I guess some of my issues I'd feel I'd have to talk about are too hard to discuss with them. I have trouble making new friends, mostly because my social anxiety can be so bad at times. The couple of friends I have any idea what I'm going through I'm not close with enough, and whenever we interact it's as if it's forced small talk or me trying to not talk about my issues and act like everything is all good. They're not really my close friends, why would I divulge such personal information to someone like that? I feel so bad all the time, and even when I'm not consciously aware of any depression I'm tired or anxious or easily annoyed or angered. I know I need to talk, but don't know how so I don't feel like I'm being judged or oversharing. Even if I could afford the co-pays talking to a therapist scares the hell out of me. I don't know where to turn.
    dwashvp responded:
    I know what you are feeling. I'm feeling that way too. Unfortunately, its been too long. I have severe depression, and it was ignored for years dating back to my teens. I have created four walls around me;friends,family,career and spiritual. All of these things except career has suffered. I wear the masks to get me through my daily operations. But when it comes down to me and the world, me and my home, me and my relationships with people i fall flat on my face. I have programmed myself not to trust anyone to the point where outside of work I don't like going out; always afraid of what others think. But I will tell you, what has helped me over the last 5 years is therapy and medication. I was in denial for so long, I wonder if I or the people around me had accepted this when I was younger, whether I could be half normal by now. I have had several family members pass away over the last 4 years that I have also entered into grief therapy. In four years I have lost(in order of death) grandmother, mother, husband and aunt. I don't know how I am able to walk straight, and listen to others say "You're so Strong". My therapist has been so patient with me. I did change therapist, my initial therapist was a wrong fit for me, and i guess it was worth it because my therapist and I are in a good place, or least I think so. going to therapy has given me that safe place to share my anxieties, insecurities and self-doublt. I hope my short story has helped you, and I hope we can go back and forth. Entering this forum is a good start, I come and go frequently, and never seem to make connections, maybe that will change soon I hope.

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