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beautifulbuffalo posted:
My brother is dying of ALS. He was diagnosed 8 months ago and in it's late stages. Nobody in the family is talking to me because I haven't gone to see him.

I haven't seen him in 5 years. We had a fallen out. He molested me from the age of 8 on. Then 5 years ago he became angry with because I couldn't let go of the abuse. I finally had to get a restraining order to keep him away.

This is all part of my major depression. The judge ordeed him to take anger management classes.

Am I wrong to not go see him?

When he dies I'm not even going to the funeral. I will go to the viewing.

He's stopped feedings through his feeding tube so the Dr.s said it will only be a matter of days before he dies.
BB
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rohvannyn responded:
Hi there, good to see you! I apologize in advance if I seem opinionated, and I hope other folks weigh in too.

Someone who molested you from the age of 8 onward has absolutely no right to ask for you to let go of that abuse. He wronged you. He did something that is really terrible. To ask you to forgive him and let go of the abuse before you are ready to do so is a further wrong and I don't blame you one little bit for not going to the funeral. The fact that he is dying complicates matters but it doesn't take away what he did.

In the future if you chose to let go of the abuse, it can be fore your own sake and no one else's. For now, do what is right for you and don't feel obligated to see him if you don't want to. You are not wrong here.

My opinion... I hope things work out for you.
 
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momuv4girls replied to rohvannyn's response:
I ditto rohvannyn's reply.
 
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feathers135 responded:
I don't think that you are wrong, but maybe you need the closure on the issue. It might be good to tell him how you feel about all this. But if you don't think so definitely don't go, you don't need to.
 
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diytestkitsdotcom responded:
Hi beautifulbuffalo,

First of all, nobody can and has the right to fault you for being angry with him for what he did. His condition is not a reason for him to deserve your forgiveness. Has he even ever expressed being sorry?

What he did to you all for all these years was a crime basically, also it is not understandable and hardly a pardonable act, especially since you are his sister. Doing it to a stranger is bad enough, but to your own sister? Such is an act of depravity.

But, this is also a moment or great decision for you. You need to ask yourself whether or not forgiveness is something you are heartfully ready to give or will be something that you will regret not giving later on.


Not wanting to visit him at the hospital or his funeral is also understandable. Seeing him must still be hard for you. It's okay to feel that way, that is normal. You were traumatized at a tender age, so it will have lasting effects on you. It will not be easy to let go of both the pain, anger. and hate. It will take time.

Hopefully you can find peace in your heart needed to come to terms with those traumatic experiences with him, so that one day you will stop living with all the pain he had cost you.
 
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beautifulbuffalo replied to diytestkitsdotcom's response:
It took days to make my decision. But I decided to go visit my brother. He can not talk, walk. He's stopped all tube feedings. He is under hospice care now. They are just keeping him comfortable. When he saw me he smiled then cried. I didn't know what to say to him as I haven't been in contact with him for years. I will probably have one more chance to see him and things will be over. I don't know if I can say I'm glad I went or not. I'm confused about it all. My mother is glad I finally went but still not talking to me over everything going on. I asked her to please let me be an adult and make my own decisions. I'm stressed over it all.
BB
 
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rohvannyn replied to beautifulbuffalo's response:
It took courage to make that request. I heard an interesting quote about forgiveness, and I have found it good to contemplate, whether my goal is to forgive or not. Maybe it will be helpful for you too.

"Forgiveness is a vow not to carry bitterness into the future... to decide to give up hope for a better past." -Jack Kornfield
 
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diytestkitsdotcom replied to beautifulbuffalo's response:
That was brave. The confusion is understandable given the amount of time without contact and the wrong that have caused that estrangement.

What you need to see is that there is a reason to be proud of yourself here. Hard as it was, it was a decision you made for no one else but you. Whatever you will feel later on about it will probably depend on how things will turn out or go on from that. The best thing you can say to yourself about it is that you tried. You tried to reach out with your presence. You tried to feel something, your confusion shows this.

Don't let anyone stress you over the situation. I think in his own way your brother is remorseful. He cried when he saw you, this may mean he acknowledges his fault. We may have no way of knowing if that is true since he can't talk anymore. But later on when all this is over, you can look back on things and decide based on what you can remember of it.

In time, you can find your peace and closure over this chapter of your life. And hopefully, you can look back on this without pain anymore.
 
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beautifulbuffalo replied to diytestkitsdotcom's response:
I'm very depressed. Because of everything going on with my brother and my mother no talking to me I give up. I don't know what to do anymore.. I'm the good one in the family but I'm being treated like an outcast. I don't know how long I can put up with this treatment. All because I didn't want to see my brother which I decided to and because I didn't tell my daughter in law my brothers names.
 
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rohvannyn replied to beautifulbuffalo's response:
Have you said to your family "I don't deserve this treatment, I won't put up with it anymore. I am a human being and I deserve to be treated as one." Or is that even an option? I keep "hearing" so much despiar in your posts, like you don't feel like you have the ability to help yourself. Maybe I'm wrong with that. But I have felt that way before. It's important to know it's not true though, you DO have the ability to help yourself, but you need to find some way to stand up and stop taking other people's abuse.
 
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diytestkitsdotcom replied to beautifulbuffalo's response:
Hi beautifulbuffalo,

That is some emotional rollercoaster you have been on, these past weeks. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much.

Have you told them how you feel? If you have and they still choose not to understand you, maybe a little time away from them could help. Not a great distance, just some space and time so that you can heal some - to have a breather from all these pain. A person can only take so much, after all.

Take a day or two to do something that can take your mind off this problem, like visit a close friend you haven't seen in a while. Do something that can make you happy. When you're good and ready face them again to explain your side. Maybe your time away can make them see that you and your opinion matter too.
 
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beautifulbuffalo replied to diytestkitsdotcom's response:
I don't tell anybody how I feel except my therapist. I tend to keep things to myself.

I saw my therapist yesterday and she said she wouldn't doubt me if I didn't go see my brother but she know s how I am and I feel a lot of guilt about everything and she said if I didn't go see him I would have felt guilty.

She believes my mother is acting the way she is because she is grieving already. She is angry at everyone. My therapist says she should seek out a grief counselor now before my brother dies and she will be able to deal with it better and not take it out on everyone.

I can give my mother her space to grieve but with everything that has happened these last 3 weeks I don't think things will be the same again. After my brother finally dies I hope she doesn't think things will go back to normal the way she has been treating me. I don't know how much I can forgive.
BB


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