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I dont know what to do anymore.
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nooneimportant posted:
You guys remember what first grade felt like? me either. I remember some parts more clear than others, but the clearest memory is of the girl I had a crush on, Taylor.of course, I didn't know that I liked her until third grade, when she moved out of my class. she hung out with her friends, I hung out with mine. Skip forward to the last quarter of fourth grade: still no working out with Taylor, but there is a girl that goes to a different school, but shared the same bus as me: Demi. she was beautiful,and I liked her. I could tell she liked me too, from the way that she would always look back at me, then giggle with her friend.skip a bit to 5th grade: and to my immense happiness, there she was in the same classroom as me. I decided to try and play it cool for a bit, you know, play elusive. well, at recess, I was walking out to the playground, and she was walking some way behind me, and to the side. I listened in as she asked my classmate jonny if I was strong or not. he replied with an incredulous no, and the look on her face killed me. it was a look of pure disgust, and I was crushed. from her obviously liking me, to looking at me with disgust, that ruined me. 6th grade now, sitting a couple seats away from her,and its like I don't even exist, and the way she talked about me, im pretty sure is what causes me to always me too doubt whether im good enough for any of the girls I like. I actually just had a minor epiphany of sorts; I just linked this and me startng to act up and get in fights all the time. sure enough...5th grade.
7th grade now, Ive (kindof) worked up enough confidence to ask Taylor out, (of course, I had to have a friend do it for me, but still.) she said no, and I saved myself from being broken agan by thinking that maybe she just didn't like the way I always got into fights (almost got expelled a couple times that year) so for the rest of that year, and 8th grade, I stopped. Madeno difference in the way she looked at me though. freshman year now: in a completely different city, surrounded by people I don't know, which I was glad for. people don't know you, they cant judge you(Im sure most of you reading this know exactly where im coming from). to be more specific, in avid, kindof a study get ready for college type of class. anyways, the class was in groups, and the teacher was asking me which one I wanted to be in. I looked up, and I saw the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, to date. my feet were going before I could say "that one" she was into me too, but for the life of me, I could never bring myself to tell her how I felt, for fear that she'd end up treating me the same way demi did. I messed itup with Nicole, real bad. she gave me every opportunity, but I never could. then, one day, she just started hanging out with her friends again, which of course only led me further into depression. pretty much the same story throughout the rest of highschool,with every other girl that I liked, and that liked me. My biggest problem, is that I can never tell a woman how I feel about her, for the life of me. scratch that, once, but I was under the influence, high, and it was completely the wrong time. but back to Nicole, and this one will let you know how deep down demi hurt me: Senior year, Nicole had the class right next to mine for 3rd period, which meant that every day, shed walk right past me, giving me the perfect opportunity to say something, to grab her arm, anything you know? but try as I might, I couldn't. each day, I thought to myself; todays the day I talk to her. and each time I saw her face,and felt the familiar tingling sensation, doubt and insecurity foiled me every damn day, for a year. you guys have no idea what kind of torture it is, to wach thelove of your life walk past youy, day after day, and you, too big of a coward to ever say anything. freshman year, and every day of enior year are my biggest regrets in life,
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