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why do i do it?
chrissyzajac posted:
im on anti depressants but some times they dont work... like today. my boyfriend out of nowhere password protected his laptop so now i cant get on it to play my games. i asked why and he said he didnt know why and didnt know the password which was a lie clearly. I get the hint its something i did but i honestly dont know what it is. i asked him to talk to me and he wont. i never cheat on him, never even flirt... when i get really upset i hurt myself by scratching my face with my nails or a fork or something. id rather be hurting physically then emotionally. but why do i do this? he knows i have severe depression but seems like he doesnt care. why cant he understand that depression is a bad and sometimes dangerous disease that i cant control. i say things like i dont want to be here anymore but i never ever try to commit suiscide. i cannot hurt my 3 year old daughter like that. idk what to do anymore. he gets like this and it tears me up not knowsing what i did wrong and he refuses to talk to me
An_255286 responded:
It sounds as though you have two things going on here. Your depression dragging you down, and your boyfriend behaving a bit childishly.

I experience something very similar to what you described. I take Prozac for my anxiety and depression, and while most days are okay, every once in a while I have a complete meltdown. I had one of these meltdowns last week, where I became irrationally angry, and then after I calmed down, dangerously depressed to the point of self harm. (My preferred method it by smacking myself in the head - anything to make the thoughts stop. It sounds ridiculous, but I still have a black and blue mark on my forehead from last week's episode.)

I am currently going to psychotherapy weekly, and my therapist is helping me with some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to change the way I react to stressful situations. My way of thinking is screwed up, and I need to change it. My therapist is helping me to recognize when I am reacting in an irrational way and re-route my thought patterns to a more healthy way to cope.

As far as your BF, my only suggestion is to find a time when you both are feeling calm and rational and try to have a conversation with him regarding your depression. It's possible that he may not really understand how severe your depression is. Don't criticize him for what he has done, he's probably hurting too, and criticizing him will only make him refuse to listen. Appeal to the part of him that wants to help you. Most men are fixers. They want to fix things and when they can't, they get frustrated and think it is some sort of failing on their part.

I hope things are going better for you now.
An_255570 responded:
Hi!, I hope its not to late to reply. Sometimes is hard for us not to take things personally and I know that when I?m having a bad day I see everything in the worst way possible and as being my fault.
First the password thing, you immediately thought it was something you did, but it might be something more, my psychologist and I worked on me seeing less of bad scenarios like I was doing but also try to see other alternatives. Like maybe someone else, a friend or your daughter, had access to his laptop and that's why he blocked it, maybe he was looking online for a surprise for you. When you confronted him maybe he just got frustrated and not understanding how you would interpret his answer, didn't clarify things for you.
At first is really hard trying to see more options, but if you can find at least one it might help, and when you are doing better you can then talk to your boyfriend about what happened, your reaction and what you both need to do to avoid making things worse.

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