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losing control of my life
ecilaenola posted:
Hello. I feel the need to talk to someone about the way I feel in the hope someone can help me me. I have always had a lack of self esteem. I am introverted and was an easy target to bully at school. I don't have many friends and have never really romantically bonded. I find it difficult to get attached to people. Therfore I don't have many people I can talk to. I feel like I'm in this bubble all alone and that nobody understands the way I feel or would even be interested anyway. I don't know what I want from life either, I feel like I don't even know myself. Some voice in my head is constantly telling me I am a weight on my friends and family. I isolate myself finding excuses to be alone because who would want me around anyway. things have started getting too out of control. I have been having meaningless realtionships, I rush into them saying so many things and being so into the person, I think I am going to fall in love and he can help me and be there for me, but then I realise that I don't know this person and even if I want him to help me he can't because there is no chance I will open up so I decide to erase this person from my mind and I move on to the next relationship. I do this so easily it frightens me. When I go out I need to drink because I can't be fun without alcohol. However, I have lost friends because I turn agressive when I drink. This has been going on for a couple of years. I have been drinking alot more lately, at least twice a week I will get so drunk I can barely walk and I have complete blackouts. I wake up the next day feeling so down. A month ago I had a fever followed by another personal illness. I was actually hoping I would fall asleep and never wake up. I feel worthless and I hate myself. I have trouble with memory at the moment aswell and concentration. I am not iterested in anything anymore. I want to run away from everything. I don't know what I am doing and I don't know how to get out of this.
jim531 responded:
Hi. I can sympathize because my life has been very similar. My self esteem was destroyed during my junior high and high school years and I've carried the feelings of rejection ever since. Its really important to talk to somebody you can trust and not try to suppress these feelings. I did suppress them and ended being bitter and cold hearted. I looked for any reason to tear down another person and lacked any compassion for others. If you can, see a professional who deals with self esteem issues. As far as relationships, you can't love somebody else until you learn to love yourself first. Otherwise your relationships will be very superficial instead of developing into an open and sharing experience. Best of luck!

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