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depressed boyfriend
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demil345 posted:
Hello, I have been reading about depression long before my boyfriend of 3,5 years was diagnosed as I had been suspecting depression before he himself acknowledged it. I must say that my heart goes out for everyone who suffers from it, also I 'm sorry for my imperfect Enllish.
There is something I would like to have people's opinion on, which is too embarassing to talk about even with friends, at least at this point.
My boyfriend has suffered from depression for years, only he did not know it. We discovered it together after having a really hard time and lots of ups and downs. It is running in his family but also he has had some serious problems during the last 10 years, he had a bad marriage, lost his job and has problems with seeing his kids. He is stable atm and taking effexor and seroquel. The problem is - I mean apart from the depression itself and the fact that he is so unhappy- that while depressed our sex life became non existant and now with the meds it still suffers. He has talked about it with the doc and they have tried different combinations and also sildenafil but they do not offer much help or they help so that sex happens sporadically. My boyfriend (who is 44) and I, love each other very much and talk about everything but there is only too many times you can talk about something, especially when you see that the other person is doing their best. Also, when he was very low (for 1.5 years) he used to speak very ill to me, he cursed, insulted me quite often, put me down in a way that destroyed my already (from my previous marriage) damaged self-confidence. He used to be very irritable during that period and , even though I know he didn't mean the things he said, they have, like dug into my mind and set themselves comfortably there. Now that things are so much better between us, the sex is still little and I am feeling pretty low most of the time. I cannot get over the feeling that he has to put effort into having sex with me and I cannot stop feeling jealous of his ex wife, who had the better of him whereas I, who have been so patient and supporting, get so little. At the same time I feel immature and selfish for feeling like this. I know it is normal- up to a point- to feel a little jealous of exes, but in our case, when he gives me only a part of what he gave her, it is much worse. We talk about it but I come across as needy and impatient.I always feel guilty afterwards for hurting him and I am worried that it will set him back.He is doing his best, he is very understanding and he is trying really hard to put his life together despite the depression and there is me who, instead of appreciating all this, I put even more pressure on him. But I am very unhappy, I carried all the weight while he was ill, experienced a death in my family and my ex husband's bad behariour and now I am just tired of unhappiness! I want to live and i want to have sex with the man i love without having to think so much about it. And I want him very much after waiting for him for so long. He is a wonderful person and it is a first for me to desire someone so badly.
How do I get over these feelings of insecurity when he is so wonderful with me but does so rarely have sex with me? And how do I find the new strength to continue?
Thank you for bearing with me
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