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Toxic Relationship
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An_257583 posted:
I have been in a 19 year relationship rhat I thought would've been only max 1 year. I lived with a man who is both physically and emotionally abusive. As the years gone past, my dreams of it getting better has gone away. I am to the point where I really don't careif we get a divorce. Sometimes I wish I would be waken from a nightmare. He is always talking down to me, making me hard and uncaring. I has dreams of hoping id wake and it was all just a dream. I honestly wish id nwvwr gotten married and now I dont know how to get out of this. I love him, but hate him more. He complains of paying for everything, but complains if id take a good paying job whether in town I or out of town. I just choose not to fight it. I'll just go along and hope he'll leave me.... how can I get out of this peacefully?
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sw3tflower responded:
There is no getting out peacefully. You are telling nearly my exact story (married 30 years with kids).
I choose not to fight it but it kept getting worse and I finally tried to stand up for myself and ended up having to move out. I had lived in my house for 30 years and had no money. The Women's shelter for domestic violence and abuse helped me.
I finally filed for divorce. It was not peaceful or easy. I moved in with my daughter.
I now have PTSD due to my marriage ( very severe the first year)
My only mistake was not getting divorced sooner.
That is my advice....don't wait. Get out now while you are still young and healthy. I waited to long and I was so frightened....but it was worth the fight. I am finally happier and have a life. You said you could find a job so you can support yourself. I couldn't. Contact the Women's Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline and they will help.
You have to become proactive and not passive, not accept the way he treats you. You are better then that. Don't just let life go by, take control of it.
I promise you will not regret it. You will have control of your life. Right now he has control of it. You will finally find happiness and peace.
Understand he is not going to be happy about it. He doesn't want to lose control of you. It will be worth it in the end. You will wake up one day and wonder why you waited so long. Your happiness....it's worth fighting for.
Please let me know.
 
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rohvannyn responded:
I hate to say it, but give up on getting out peacefully. Right now he owns you and he may not want to give you up. You don't want to be owned, I would imagine you want to be free. So perhaps start by getting a job. Do it while you still have a place to live. If you ask why, you can tell him it's because you want to contribute to the household, whatever.

Save as much as you can and make sure you keep a seperate bank account. Get legal advice. Divorces can be really messy. Read up on it. Be smart, protect yourself in any way you can. If he is mistreating you he has lost the right to tell you to stay. He can beg and change his behavior, but anything short of that isn't enough. I hope you can get out safely. If he gets really nasty or physical, remmber, restraining orders are an option.

YOU ARE DUE RESPECT. Remember that.
 
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sw3tflower responded:
I was wondering how you are doing. I know the advice you got must have been hard to take.
But it is the truth.
I hope you are able to accept it and get out of the relationship as soon as possible. It's not going to get better. Don't wait like I did.
You are worth more then how he is treating you. You deserve respect and control of your own life.


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