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32 year old wife died last year and I'm sabatoging my life bit by bit.
loss2013 posted:
I actually moved from N.C. To Ca. Thinking I could put her death behind me. I never had friends, my wife was the only friend I needed! She was my world! I moved to Ca. to be around my childhood best friend and my sister. I have no other family. Everyone is dead. I pretended I was okay when I got here. But eventually my lie caught up with me and I crashed and burned. My friend told me to get over it and my sister wouldn't return my calls even though I begged her. So what did I do? Got angry and cussed both out and said I never want to see them again. Which was fine cause they didn't understand or care what I was going through. Good riddance! I hate everyone anyways. I hate my life cause when she died, something died in me. I managed to get a job that payed $300 a month. 30 hrs. a month. I was satisfied with that and didn't plan to try to get a better job. My rent is $100 so I can live off the rest. But I ended cussing out that boss too. Nothing interests me anymore. I've tried the things that used to interest me but it just reminds me of my wife and how I'll never get to tell her I'm sorry or I love you or ever be as happy as I was. My future is pain and suffering then prob. death when I can't take it anymore. I already know how I'm going to take my life just don't know when I'll get the balls to do it. The only peace I get is when I drink, peace for a few hours. But it's always back in the morning. I used to do drugs my whole life. That's the one thing I gained from my wife's death was I actually quit using drugs. Had 1 slip up and I ended up having a panic attack. I don't miss the drugs at all! I know I'll never use again. I could have a very good job logging, I got the job if I'd fill out the application. I've been putting that off for 3 months now. But I don't want to better my life. I just want to die. If I can't be with her than I don't want to be here. I've run everybody off and now I'm just alone with my thoughts and my guilt. I'm on medicine, some of them work but others don't. Work is slim here in the winter and I have no clue what I'm going to do but I don't care what happens anyways. I've tried everything to try to pull myself out of this black hole but nothing has worked. I've been to psyc. hospital twice since last year. I'm going to concealing, I'm seeing a therapist, psycoligist, and psychiatrist. I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse. I wake up every morning and ask myself if today gonna be the day that I decide to take all my sleeping pills and put this pain behind me. Is there any young people who lost their spouse? How did you move forward? Does the pain always stay in your heart? How long will I feel like this? We're you able to find love again? I'm just curious if anyone has been through what I'm going through and how you pulled yourself up. I'm at rock bottom and stuck here. Is it wrong I still cry almost everyday? Is it wrong that I think about death everyday? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated cause what I'm doing isn't working.
beautifulbuffalo responded:
This isn't something you just get over. Ignore what they say, or tell them how you feel. You need to go through GRIEF counseling. You will learn a lot about getting through this GRIEF. Good Luck.

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