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I don't know what to do
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xxthatsnotmynamexx posted:
I don't understand why I did this today. But yet again, I don't really understand much of anything. I wrote a letter, to my family, as an apology, and a goodbye. I guess I wrote it just in case I were to decide to leave, but I don't really know, I go through these intense moods when my depression gets pretty bad. I'm not sure where to turn now, I've attempted a few times before and they have obviously failed, and I have a history of self-harming, I'm in therapy, and she knows. I don't really see the point in existence. We're all born with the purpose of "dying", and a we are is an experience to others. They use their senses and we are just memories. So why stay? The only thing I'd like to be is a memory...and if I had never existed...life would carry on like usual. Same as if I had left.
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rohvannyn responded:
Think of it this way... if you are alive anyway, why not do something with the time you have? You already know that your family would be devestated if you left, either by walking away or through death. Sometimes I wonder why I exist too. Well, why not exist? There is some reason why you are here, and even if there is no real reason, you are here anyway. That can be good, or it can be bad. You can choose whether you want your existence to be good or bad. You know deep down inside how to make it good, and if you don't, that's why there are counselors to help you find out how. Who is to say that the experience of others is more important than your own? You belong here too.
 
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livethe4th responded:
I don't know if this story will help, but when I was really in a dark place my therapist told me this story and it reminded me that all people, including and especially YOU, have inherent value. The story goes like this:

Imagine you are drafted into the military and you are given a machine gun and sent off to war. As you approach a village, gun at the ready, you see a small child, who could not be more than 5 or 6 years old. She's dirty, her hair is tangled, she is skin and bones, and you find her digging through the trash, eating morsels of rotten food. You have a high powered military weapon... Would you shoot this child? Do you think she is worthless and useless to the world as she stands before you, skinny to the point of death? Wouldn't you be doing her a favor?

I hope that after reading this story you came to the same conclusion which I did which was of course not. Though the child is broken, it doesn't mean that she doesn't have value in this world and we should not be the ones to judge how far she can fly even though we see her so broken now. YOU are that child. Give yourself the opportunity to fly. Your life has value and we are here to support you!!!
 
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xxthatsnotmynamexx replied to livethe4th's response:
I appreciate your support, and you telling me that, I do. Sadly...I came from a childhood like that. I guess that's why the way I am today. I don't know anymore. Every day is just is just going through the motions, and routine. I've tried, but whenever I get close to the top, I fall. So I don't see the point in trying, don't really have much a reason anymore. I used to, the only person who understood me in life...he made me feel like I was in the right place. But...he left..without bothering to even glance back..just left.


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