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    Depression Issue: It just won't go away
    mariazo posted:
    This is my first time posting on a forum about anything so bear with me. This will be a little long.

    My name is Maria and I'm 26. I suffer from a few medical problems which include a blood clotting disorder, a seizure disorder, migraines with auras, but that is all being contained. I was also diagnosed with generalized anxiety and major depression and while some days seem to be better than other, it just doesn't seem to go away. I'm on the generic of remeron [My psychiatrist put me on it, they have to be careful because of other medications I'm on> and I have only be on it a short amount of time so I can't judge it completely yet but this depression has been something that has gone on for about 6 years now.

    When I was in my teens, I had my moments but as I fought out of it, I figured 'well I was just having a teenage moment. We teenagers can be dramatic, I'll never let it happen again' and as I got in my late mid teens, it got better, especially once we moved. As I got in my late teens became a newly adult, I was still an uneducated naive but happy girl [I dropped out of school because my health issues>, I was happy at that point and it wasn't like I intended to stay that way, I had dreams and aspirations but I would always put it off but saying 'oh I have time'.

    2007 comes and my dad dies, he committed suicide in confinement [he broke probation for driving. He wasn't supposed to be because he had been drinking and driving before>. It was like his death broke the bubble I was living in and woke me up from that fantasy world I was living in. There were questionable things about his death like the medications and the number of suicides happening at the place he did it but I won't get into that. I used writing as an outlet but it wasn't until a year or so later that depression slowly started creeping in. I could tuck it away though because I would sink into writing to escape reality.

    It wasn't until I was almost 24 that reality really hit again and I thought 'wow what did I do with all that time? Nothing. I'm still a big nothing. why did I keep saying I have all this time, the truth is we don't have all this time', that was another wake up call [funny how I needed a few wake up calls>. So eventually I did get my education and I will be attending college soon but yet I'm still depressed. Shouldn't I be happy? I mean I don't have the biggest support system around me and I tend to be negative but living around negativity all the time, it's hard not to be and it's hard to find a job and I can't get a place without one.

    I just feel like I'm in a hole in the ground and every time I get out somewhat, more dirt falls over me and I fall back down. It's like I'm stuck and can't move. Sometimes I wonder if death is better than living like this and even fantasize about suicide. I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished for something. Maybe because I wasn't the most responsible as a teen or whatever reason.

    Sorry this is so long but sometimes it feels better to get it out.
    sincereone74 responded:
    I'm glad that you feel a little better after getting some of your feelings out. I want you to know that you are not a big nothing you are someone special who has had the strength to make it through a lot. When you don't have the biggest support system around you and living around negativity it is easy to be negative, so try not to be so hard on yourself. Death is not better than living like this even though at times it seems like it is, trust me I feel that way all the time and I also wonder if I'm being punished for something so you are not alone in your thoughts but you are not being punished you don't deserve to be punished, you deserve to be happy even though you don't feel happy right now, you deserve it. I really just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I'm hoping this helps you just a little.
    mariazo replied to sincereone74's response:
    Thank you for responding. It's nice to have like minded people who understand what it's like. Even though it is online, it's nice to feel a little support.

    I do want to add I never acted out on those dark thoughts I had and still do have about death. They were in mind though. I just feel like I am trying to push forward and sometimes its hard.
    sincereone74 replied to mariazo's response:
    It is nice to have like minded people who understand. I'm so glad to hear that you have never acted on those dark thoughts, you should be really proud of yourself. I've had those thoughts and I have acted on those thoughts before but I'm still here so be proud of yourself for never actually acting on them. That shows that you are very strong. It's good to realize that you have the thoughts but you want to push forward that is a true sign of strength. I know it's hard but you're doing a good job.
    mariazo replied to sincereone74's response:
    Sorry it took me so long to respond but yeah, I haven't acted out. I'm sorry to hear you were at a point where you felt so low that you have acted out on your thoughts but I know how hard it is to resist those feelings sometimes and I have had to fight with my all to fight them. I am trying though, I really am trying, it gets difficult, sometimes almost unbearably difficult but I am trying.
    sincereone74 replied to mariazo's response:
    I'm glad that you are trying even though sometimes it's almost unbearably difficult, you are still trying so I hope you can take a moment to be proud of yourself. You're strong and you're a fighter those are two GREAT qualities!
    whatsupbuttercup responded:
    I agree with sincereone74, you have a lot of strength!

    Continue pushing forward, I am here to help you and to talk. I'm currently dealing with a relapse from my PTSD and it sucks! I'm on a new med and it's up and down but generally more up than down you'll get there.

    The hardest thing is realizing that this will pass. Although it does help to push yourself to do things even if you don't enjoy them, napping off a bad day can help to. Suicide is a symptom of depression, sometimes it helps me to look at it that way. It's your brain chemistry being all wonky, and not letting you see how great life can be. Keep talking to your psychiatrist, and wait for the anti depressants to really kick in. It takes a while sometimes but it's so worth it to find the right dosage/mix.

    Keep it up and be gentle with yourself!!

    Message if you need anything
    yvette0086 responded:
    Hey, I'm new to this, so i really dont know how all of this works. I came across your post, as i read some of the others. I understand you. It actually surprised me to know that someone other there feels the same way as me. I'm only 16. I dont have that much life experience as you do, but i understand how its like to be stuck at the bottom of the hole. It feels like you dogged your own hole just to stay at the bottom, but i will tell you this.. I've been going through depression for about 3 years now, and even now as i type this down. I feel pain in the pit of my stomach rise up, but everyday will get better. When i first came to face depression, my life was a mess. There was constant pain in my heart that seem to increase. I caused myself so much harm both emotionally and physically. It broke me. I too had a wake up call, and i changed every thing about me... Yeah, i still suffer of depression, but i know that i can find the light soon. This is just another bump in our life that even though it continues to get bigger will make us stronger.. and we can overcome it. i'm here, if you ever need someone. Message me, if you like. i would be more than happy to help you.. plus, i could really use a friend that understands me.
    rohvannyn replied to yvette0086's response:
    Welcome, Yvette... it's good to have you here too. I'm glad to know that you can see your light at the end of the tunnel. Never lose sight of that.
    jahs495 replied to rohvannyn's response:
    I am so depressed I cant do anything. And I dont want to be in this world anymore.
    mariazo responded:
    Hi guys, sorry it took me so long to respond.I just bee so tired lately and have had on and off days with feeling physically ill and my anxiety decided to become a problem too. Thank you to everyone else who responded. I was basically just venting out but it was nice to receive a bit of support.

    Yvette0086, I wouldn't mind chatting with you [or anyone for that matter>. It's always nice to communicate with someone who can understand where I'm coming from.

    jahs495, I been there before, I get it. I know what you're feeling so I can honestly say I can relate. Have you thought about asking your doctor about the availability of mental behaviorists? [I had to do the same thing too to finally get my psychiatrist> I know it can be intimidating and I was one of those people who said they would never go to one until I found myself in a bad mental state myself. All I knew was I hated feeling the way I did and I was willing to try it if it had the possibility to help. I'm not promising you it will be your miracle, I still have bad days, I get really bad sometimes [they do have me on close observation> but it does help sometimes and things can get better for you.

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