Husbands irrational behavior...
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chloe0823 posted:
We go 2 speak to a counselor this wk but my husbands doctor told him he was suffering from depression. Its understandable...he had a near fatal heart attack 1yr&7mo ago, hes also a diabetic and a kidney transplant patient. We also have responsibility of his elderly father, who is not the easiest person to deal with. Its a long story but with all the "inlaw drama" it caused problems in our marriage. We will celebrate 25 yrs soon. The question I have is...is it normal for someone with depression to go outside the marriage for the support they need. I have cared and supported him thru all his illnesses in fact I gave him one of my kidneys. I take care of 99%of our household and try to do anything I can to help him in any way. Hes been so irritable and hard to get along with sometimes its just unbearable. Therefore there has been a distance between us. I found out this weekend, he had been talking with a woman he met at his Dads nursing home. They had become very close, 40 calls on last months bill. I flipped...he and she claim that he would ask her advise on how to make things better in our marriage and admitted to her our problems were his fault. My husband is not a "typical" man, hes no "horn dog" hes actually naïve when it comes to modern women. When I found out about all this, he admitted that when they were leaving the nursing home one nite at the same time they shared a mutual kiss. Claimed it was just a quick peck. I lost my mind!!! never in a million years would I have thought he would have done this...believe me Im not naïve, I know what people are capable of. Every friend I have tells me how sweet and nice my husband is and would be "blown away" if they knew what he had done. Going back to his depression, he is suffering pretty badly. Ive done everything I could to help but he was hard-headed and wouldn't listen when I mentioned to him long ago what could be going on. He very remorseful for what he has done and had realized a few weeks back that all their conversing about our problems was not a good idea. When I asked him why he kissed her...he says he doesn't know. is this normal for a depressed man? can anyone enlighten me....Im losing my mind over this!
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jians responded:
cannot advise on your marriage but what i know is that a person sufferring from depression needs people who will understands them and yes definitely it will break not only his heart but his mind as well if you decided to leave him. My mother has been depressed i guess ever since i was in her womb, my father was a battered husband, my mom would always yell at him and hurt him so bad wanting ti kill him when her depression attacks, they have been together for morethan 30 yrs now. I do admired the faithfullness of my father inspite of my mothers depression. My father used to be an alcoholic when they get married but after having 3 children my father became a christian and change his life totally. My mother could not forgive him for all the heartaches my father brought him reason i grew up miserably. Dont know if depression can be inherited but me suffering with depression as well is really making me feel bad. All i wanted to feel is that i am being loved. People like me and youre husband sometimes do things we dont even know understand why are we doing it. We alot of times are moody but it depends on the level i guess of depression we had. I know its hard to understand but You are his wife,remember "in sickness and in health,till death do you part."God will reward you at the end do not loose hope if you will give up,he has nobody to hold on.
 
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rohvannyn responded:
Yes, it's normal to want support outside the marriage but what he did borders on emotional cheating. You need support here too, it's not easy to have a spouse who is suffering like this. That can come from a friend, a counselor, a family member, or even a diary. At a point when you are both feeling talking, you might ask if there is some way he can be a little nicer toward you. You can empathise with what he is going through, but that question needs to be answered. He's probably behaving badly because he's used to you and feels more free to be "himself." However if outsiders call him nice and sweet yet he isn't behaving well toward you, there is a problem.

I can relate, though. I've been the one who is overly grumpy to the person I should be politest to (my spouse) and it can be hard to change. However, that is NECESSARY! If you aren't kind to your spouse, then who will support you? Sometimes we need to adjust our priorities.
 
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wearied responded:
I actually get your hurt, my husband openly flirts in front of me. I too wonder if this is a "thing" with men with depression. You know kind of how men start acting all weird when they hit that midlife crisis stage, go out and buy a sports car, get hair transplants, find someone young enough to be his daughter, that kind of stuff. You are luckier though, your husband at least recognizes that he messed up, mine doesn't even have the decency to do that, instead when I flip out he asks me what's wrong with me, makes it sound like I'm the one with the mental health issues? Guess it helps him justify his behavior and make it seem alright.