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Old maid syndrome...
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1saddmom posted:
I have loved the same man for nearly 15 years. Though we havn't been together consistanly for the duration of that time I never stopped loving him. We met when I was 6 and he was 12. My dad and his 2nd wife would go out with "J's" mom and her husband at the time and leave him to watch me and my little sister. I don't remember this, but his mom told me years later when I was 18 and we started dating, re-meeting through a gf of mine. After a rocky on-again off-again 2 year relationship, he broke my heart. I moved on, having two beautiful kids in the meantime. Then, after 8 years of abuse, I left that relationship for good. I ran into "J" again a year after that. I had not seen him in almost 9 years, and figured we had both grown up in that time and decided to try again. I was still as in love with him as I had been 9 years ago when he dumped me. We were together for almost five years this time...straight through. We even had a beautiful baby girl who will be 18 mos in a couple of weeks. Last summer, I lost everything...First, my mom passed away after a three year battle with cancer last July. Then, the economic crisis hit us hard causeing us to lose our home as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. About two weeks before we had to be out of the house, he began to withdraw. And a week later we had a huge fight that gave me no option but to leave him. He didn't get physically abusive, but he threatened to. So here I was, my mom gone, no home, and now the one person who was supposed to be there for me no matter what had turned his back on me. I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride since last November, but it was the "loop-da-loop" in December that sent me off course. He invited me to his familys house to celebrate the holidays so I wouldn't have to spend them alone. We spent christmas eve and christmas day together. It seemed like everything was going to be ok after all. He even kept telling me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. Then, later christmas day, me and my two older kids went home. The next day I texted him to see what he was doing for new years...as it was also my deceased mothers birthday. He didn't reply....I called him to ask him, but got his voicemail. He didn't reply. Three weeks went by, and with the exception of seeing him when I would pick up our daughter to come stay the weekends with me (as I work full time, and go to school full time,)..he would say very little to me. He would only give me what info I needed pertaining to our daughter. When she last ate, what time she took her nap...etc. I don't understand how he could just turn his back on me when I needed him the most. I don't understand why he is telling me one minute that he loves me and that he will try his hardest to be a better person, that he wants to be with me, and then avoid my texts and phone calls the next. I try to communicate my feelings openly with him. But he refuses to be open and honest about his to me. I have even gotten the impression that he has been with someone else, but then I think maybe I am just being insecure and over-reacting. And when I have come right out and asked him, he neither confirms or denys my accusations. He just tells me I'm being stupid, and says "oh whatever". I recently (a week and a half ago) told him after spending the weekend at the beach with him that I couldn't keep going like this. It was too emotionally exhausting. I didn't trust him to not hurt me anymore, and I was convinced that he is, or has been, with someone else and that if I didn't trust him we shouldn't keep trying to be together. Again, he didn't confirm or deny my accusations just responded with an "ok, whatever" and then left. Now I am so depressed and sad all the time. I constantly wonder if I made the right decision. I have recently started having thoughts of just killing myself and ending the pain. I am 32, I have three kids, but feel like I will never be good enough for a man to love me completely. Help
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Susyboo responded:
Hi 1 saddmon

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, my heart goes out to you because it feels like there is no kind of pain that hurts as much as the loss of someone you love..my condolences to you on the loss of your mom..that is so hard to go through..I know when my father died nothing has ever felt the same and the grief was overwhelming..you have been through so much and please give yourself alot of credit for working full time as well as going to school and parenting 3 kids! It takes alot of strength to go through what you have and please do not give up or feel that things are hopeless ok? You have 3 children that love you and need you..being depressed and feeling heartbroken can make us feel like we cant go on, and I hope you will consider talking to someone, counselling or taking medication to help you through this difficult time..it could make all the difference in how you are feeling and help you cope. You have had a long history with this man and I feel so badly that he is not communicating with you. If I have learned anything over the years, it is that men and women are wired differently and we tend to take it personally and feel inadequate or that we are not worthy of love and that is just not true..he may have issues he is dealing with and is not able to express them..I feel he does owe you the consideration of telling you where he wants to be in this relationship because not knowing is the worst, and you must feel you do not know where you stand with him..you may need to take some time and heal yourself...try to focus on you and your children and know that you are a beautiful, loving woman that is very worthy of love..that seems to be our biggest struggle..to feel whole within..for now I do think you made the right decison in telling him that you could not go on this way..that is standing up for yourself and that is a good thing..you deserve better than 'ok whatever' or being told you are insecure or being stupid..his lack of communication and mixed signals to you would make anyone wonder what is going on? You deserve an honest explanation from this man as to what is going on but if he is not able to give you that then you must not focus on it to the point of feeling bad about yourself..it may have more to do with him than you so please try to stay strong and know that you stood up for yourself..please post again and let me know how you are doing, you are not alone and you are a very strong woman..things will get better, its hard to see that now but please dont give up hope

Hugs:)
 
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OUTSIDETHEBUBBLE77 responded:
susyboo...pretty much covered it very well! its a must you take care of yourself & your children. i dont see his *mixed signals & lame replies to you* changing anytime soon. he certainly has some issues he needs to address on his own. some distance may be just the thing for you to get a better grip on what you need to do. i know that problaly isnt what you wanted to hear, while you may have plenty of things to deal with, he doesnt seem to be available to you in any healthy manner (relationship wise) i wish you much luck. try to re-read the first reply, it was a good one. hugs!


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