Depression Community

You are quite right. Depression is not an excuse for verbal abuse. And the other thing is really in my case I realize it is a manipulative tool to have complee control over me. He knew my family would never go against him while finding that I am wrong. I have been brought in a family where girls are considered second hand merchandise. No right to work,learn driving.The husband and his family have complete control over you once you are married. Everything was his , his car, his home, he chose the childrens' names.His mother chose my curtains and even decided what I had to buy when I fell pregnant of my first one. As I did not know about his illness, his relatives made everyone believe I was the cause of his depression. I have been head and heel at his beck and control as you say. I can talk to my parents,sisters or friends when ever he is out. Otherwise he sits by my side and after the call I must again give him an account of every word we have been talking. A psychiatrist effectively told me he is manipulating me as he know I can't do anything. I thought of going back to some studies and get a work as social help when my children grew up. Unluckily they don't seem to understand what I have been through. And now I feel so helpless, with rheumatism, forgeting most things, so weak at times . To go to a psychiatrist who will just listen to you for 5 mins, give you some pills which make you sleepy.And all these are expensive.That's why when I have seen this site, I don't want any other woman to go what I have been through. Fight your way the earliest possible. They must understand from the beginning that we can stand on our feet without them. That we are someone . Don't feel sorry for them, it won't help. We must be strong in some way.Thanks to all of you on this site, you are a great help.

Don't do it! You will thank yourself later. My husband suffers from depression and we have been married for 19 years. It has been a living hell. My husband hit his all time low when I was pregnant with our first child and life has never been the same. He never worked again and does nothing to help around the house. I have 2 teenagers that won't help because they see that dad doesn't help. I'm trying to make a living and stay positive for my children. My husband degrades me, treats me in a demeaning manner and is very critical of the children and me. He drinks and has no friends. He will never do things with me and gets angry when I want to do something with my friends. When I try to discuss our difficult finances or other issues that normal couples discuss he turns his back and goes into his own little word leaving me to figure it out. I am very lonely in this marriage. I used to be a happy person until I was sucked into his world and now I just pretend.

If a person has been in a long term severe depression and is lower than low and there appears to be no digging out, ECT can be a miracle. For some people, that is how they survive. When they are that low, Cohl3, there is often an inability to have functional talk therapy.

You are quite knowledgeable and alot of what you say is true. My thoughts are that your husband either has not had an effective therapist or he has been too depressed or unwilling to do the work. Therapy is alot of work and people have got to want to change. I am sure I do not need to tell you but you are still incredibly angry. I hope you are getting some help in trying to let that go. It sounds like you have been put through the ringer. It is fine to give the person the responsibility to take ownership of their own depression. That too is a process. But, it is the love and understanding of others that help a person come back out of the depression or lessen the depression. Without that it really does seem that you are ready to kick him in the teeth. I wish you good luck with all that you are going through and the journey certainly does continue- for both of you. I am sorry that your personal journey has been so difficult. I hope you are finding a way to separate yourself from him emotionally to some degree and find a way to have some fun in this lifetime. Peace.

I would also add that depressive tendencies are also familial. There is the experience of our youth as well as a genetic predisposition that certainly does not help the deal. It might help with some of the understanding though. My dad and his dad and my mom's mom... and on and on.

It sounds like I'm married to your husband's twin brother. My husband has the same behaviors and whenever we try to talk, he always plays the "I'm ill and disabled" card. He has taught our children disrespect for me and now, I can say that they are all adults now, it's time for a change. No one should be verbally or emotionally beaten up and I know when I find a good therapist and get this all out with professional help, a solution will present itself. Good luck to you

I understand your pain. I too am at wits end and i do not know what to do. I am drained

I was married for 35 yrs to a depressed man. Eventually he suffered heart attack at 47, had bypass surgery, then Type 2 diabetes, and the rest of ailments due to obesity, lack of exercise, etc. After all the years I stuck it out, raised 3 children and accomplished our goals, he left me for a girlfriend 45 years in the past. He ran away from secretive debt he accumulated and lies. My loyalty meant nothing. I gave up my dreams to be the supporting spouse. Don't take on your spouses issues. It's like any other disease. They need to move out seek help and make the change in their lives, then you work on your marriage. Don't give up a lifetime being miserable if they won't get help and stick with it.

Meds today are not what they once were...I take antidepressant and mood stablizer. I feel physically not different than when I take my vitamin everyday. The trick is not to give up. It can take a long time to find the right combination of meds and then they might need to be changed up down the road.

Living with someone who is clinically depressed or bi-polar is not ever easy. If you do not take care of yourself you will end up with as many problems or more. First, depression is a disease, I liken it to diabetes. A serious disease that must be daily maintained. To remain as healthy as you can with diabetes you must constantly treat it. It is up to each of us to fight for our health and happiness and you must become your own best health care advocate. And it is the ill person who must fight the disease and relentlessly seek relief from the symptoms. I do not believe there is a "cure" for this disease, but it can be managed with relief with the right combination of drugs. There is more and more hope with the advancement of medicine. Who knows what the future may bring?

Good luck and God Bless

hi dunno who im talking here with but its ok. i dont no if im depresed or not but im putting my family thru hell.i keep hurting my wife because i refuse to seek help, its not that i dont wont help i dont wanna look weak as a man and husband im stressed out this has been going on for some time now and getting worst my wife and kids love me i no this but this is killing me and i dont no what to do could someone please help me!

hey, i'm battling the same thing.. it was sucha huge blessing finding this site.. just reading people's stories and now realizing there's a huge crowd out there fighting the same thing has some how brought a sense of hope to me and my marriage.. i'm no expert, but i think you are searching for a solution as am i... we'll take this 1 step at a time, and the first step was admitting we can't control this or fix this our selves.. thank u for posting, don't stop searching!!

Hi Losingitnno,

I encourage you to start your own discussion to introduce yourself to the community here so they can support you.

To do that, hold your cursor over the orange Post Now button and choose 'Discussion' from the drop down menu which appears.

We're glad you found us and I hope this is just the first step towards you getting the help you need and deserve.

Hi im Ashley and i ca say i feel your pain...... the sad part about it is that im still young! My husband is only 24! annd suffers the same as your husband. When were around firends he seems ok even though u can see him struggle the muscle weakness that comes for the depression. He has very little patience and its gettin worse everyday! We have tried everything and cant get NOWHERE! I cry all the time because i love him feel bad that there is nothin i can do to make it go away. His family basically tells him that hes full of it and there is nothin wrong with him and that only makes him feel 10xs worse! i dont know what to do anymore. I want you to know that you not alone. If u would the to continue our convo or just need someone to talk to email me at AThomas0708@yahoo.com

Get yourself some therapy! You live with a depressed person. You get verbally abused by this person. Yes, you love him, but you don't deserve to be treated that way. Even when I am depressed, I try not to hurt those around me. I usually hurt myself verbally or physically. I know you want to help him, but he has to want to help himself. You can't make him. Let him know that you will support him, but you can't live your life like that. If he decides to seek help, go with him. Support him and when he can treat you like a wife instead of a floor mat, then you can reconcile and work together like a couple should. THat's my advice. I am bitter because I don't like hearing that someone is being treated badly by someone that is supposed to love them. My husband treated me that way for a while until he began to work with me and understand what it is I am going through. He still has his moments, but I am TRYING not to take things so personal. He has bad days too and needs to vent to me also. Talk with a professional and get yourself help before you fall into the same trap. A person can only take so much verbal abuse before they begin to believe it themselves.

Unless you're prepared for a life of neglect, isolation and unrequited needs, I would advise you to run away as fast as you can!!!
I have been married to a depressed man for over 14 years. He had 'the black dog' when we met and I thought that by loving him and providing a decent, stable home he would get better. And I found that no matter what I do, his illness systematically destroys every bit of intimacy and closeness we build. It's sad and lonely and I'm completely exhausted by the struggle of trying to love and live with someone who is so completely unavailable.