Depression Community

Dear achamb1968, my husband of almost forty years is also suffering from depression and refuses treatment. He is suffering from heart disease, type II diabetes, and other complications that have led to the depression. He is paranoid, his self-image is so low, and I am suffering so very much. I have reached out to church members, family, and friends, asking for help, but no one wants to believe me. My husband is a wonderful, witty, outgoing person, and that is all they ever see. I have been in therapy since I was diagnosed with breast cancer fourteen months ago. I am sure the stress level is getting to me, but I love my husband and pray for him to be cured. I too seek advice on what to do as I do not believe in divorce. Thank you for posting your message; it gave me courage to post mine as well.

ya i know how u feel. My wife is the same way. She is always depressed about her job and never wants to talk about it.

I understand your pain. I too am living with a husband who has suffered from depression since he was in HS. We have been married 16 years and the depression which I thought was bad-got much more worst when we had our son. It is draining!!! I love him very much and want to grow old with him and I dont want to get a divorce, but sometimes I'm like- this is too hard. He doesnt want therapy, nor medication. He is self destructive and reckless. He just wants me. I feel like I cant help him. He drinks hard liquor everyday, works on and off, only wants to stay home. I try to be undertanding, loving and patient- but its hard sometimes when bills are coming, when nothing is done at home and I have to deal with everylittle thing. I get angry because I dont have someone to take care of me. I know this sounds selfish, but I need help dealing with this. I have been doing my best all these years, but its just much worst now. We have a four year old and I dont want him to lose his daddy to suicide or divorce.

Please help me find ways to convince him to get help and for me not to get angry.

Hi, After reading yours and the other similar posts I just have to say, I've been living with my depressed husband for over 25 years, and it's not any better today than it was in the beginning. I wanted to try and help him, love him and keep our family together, even though he -- like one of the others noted here, has sucked the fun out of our lives. He has friends at work but no one that he wants to associate with outside of that. I have my friends and sometimes go out with them, go to the gym with them, and my job and our grandson keep me very busy, but I desperately want other couples for us to do things with. He likes his job and is very good at it, but on the weekends just sits in front of the computer and TV with no motivation to get out and about. I don't know how much longer I can hope for things to change -- after this many years I don't think they ever will. Mine also began showing depression after we had children; we waited till we were married 4 years before having our son, and he said the responsibility of being a father was overwhelming to him. He doesn't handle stress or change well at all. He has health problems -- Diabetes 2, high blood pressure, high collesterol, with terrible eating habits, none of which he really wants to do anything about but take the meds. I am not a pill popper; I'd rather eat well, exercise, and live healthy. I've prayed for God to give me insight and strength, and whatever skill I need to handle this and be the support for my husband, but it's just going on for sooo long, I really don't know how much longer I can pretend to my family (and our kids) that we're okay. He is a very good man, loyal, honest as the day is long, dependable, and I know he loves me; and he puts up with my idiosyncrasies, but I'm not sure I'm helping him by allowing things to just stay the same.

We just "celebrated" our 9th. anniversary. We really didn't celebrate it, just kind of acknowledged the day. I am kind of relieved that it is over honestly. My husband doesn't celebrate anything anyway, never a big fan of holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries. He has dealt with depression his entire life. I realized during our first year of marriage what a struggle the depression truly was for him, prior to that, I really wasn't aware of it. I feel very unhappy and isolated. There really isn't anyone that I can talk to about his depression and how it effects our day to day life which is why I sought out this board. He hates his job and is miserable about everything without any will power to make changes to better his situation. He is fixated on the state of our nation, and it seems to be all he wants to talk about.....he has very strong political views...I feel that I am a little more open minded and willing to hear things out....we are two extreme opposites when it comes to the topic. He is very pessimistic, and negative, very cutting and short with the children. He feels like the world is crumbling around him on a consistent basis. I know that this is not realistic thinking, but at times it is difficult to separate reality from his reality. He has been on medication before, but it really didn't seem to help. He is not physically abusive in anyway, is very loyal and devoted. When I look at him, I don't even see the same person that I married. We don't do anything together, because he doesn't want to do anything. We have very little in common it seems. I tend to look on the bright side of everything, he prefers to wallow in negativity...some days I don't know how much more of the unhappiness I can take. I have been a stay at home mom during our entire marriage and have recently decided to go back to school to work towards a degree. I know that I can't fix him, but I can focus on myself and of course raising our children. I feel so stuck at times, and I am wondering if anyone can relate?

I also live with a depressed husband (for 26 years) and have a daughter who is also depressed. It makes having a happy life very difficult some days. I try to keep both of them cheered up but some days it takes its toll on me. It helped me to go to counceling. I had to go thru co-dependent classes and read books on setting boundaries. We do not make them unhappy, mad etc. They do this on their on, we cannot live life for them. I have started walking with friends and trying to find more ways to involve myself in life. I guess I hope someday my optimism and happiness might rub off on them a little bit. From my experience medication works for a short time then they have to change. Try to get help, there is counceling not only for him but for you as well. Good Luck!

I'm also looking for ways to cope with receiving no help at home. My husband has fallen into deep depression mainly due to financial issues with the company he owns. He's always been a very driven, high achiever and feels like a complete failure due to the economic conditions. He takes every negative thing personally as if he's caused the whole mess. In the past, he was a great husband and a wonderful father to our children. We still have two teenagers at home. He was hospitalized for a period of time two weeks ago for overdosing on medications. We've since changed his medications because I believe the newest one he started taking sent him into an uncontrollable tailspin. I try to help him as much as possible (I control his meds/hiding the Rx bottles), but even just getting him to get out of bed is a struggle. I feel like I can't leave him alone at all, but even when we're in the house together, he's sitting on the couch reading or trying to lay down to nap. I've told him that he can't waste weekends anymore and that he cannot lay down horizontally when reading; he must sit up. I've asked him for help with specific things (blowing leaves, fixing a drippy faucet, cleaning), but he tells me he will help and then it doesn't get done. I'd love it if he just took even the slightest initiative to help me or even to move around, but unless I force the issue, he just won't. I feel that taking on his pain by listening to him is starting to make me depressed. I don't sleep the night through anymore; I wake at about 3:30 every morning with racing thoughts. I fear what will happen to my kids and family structure if I fall into depression too. I hate that he's on medicines because I don't know if they're helping him at all. They just seem to make him lethargic; but maybe that's the depression; I just don't know enough about all of this stuff. I just want to live a "normal" life and take part in society.

I am the depressed spouse and may be able to offer some insight....maybe. I've lived with depression all my life and my depression "really set in" once we got married. I really feel for you and did the same for my husband. All I did was feel and not really act...at first. I may be the exception in regards to therapy and medication sorta. I finally went into some intense therapy. I went to a therapist on a regular basis and started medication (well, this was my second time receiving treatment- the first time was when I was a teenager after I tried to take my own life). I didn't know why I was going back into a manic phase. I just married the man of my dreams and life was really good...but as i learned from my therapist and psychiatrist, depression is usually a life long condition and will cycle back around. I felt so bad that I felt depressed when I should've been happy been happy. So I asked my new husband to go to marriage counseling (in addition to my own therapist and seeing a psychiatrist for meds). Besides feeling bad for my husband, I also felt angry at my husband when I became really manic. Angry at the world for not understanding...Angry at myself...Angry at the disease. My husband was reluctant. But he did it for me; but he would say there's nothing wrong with the marriage when I'm not so manic-so there's no real point for marriage counseling . Maybe the sessions were for him...maybe they were for me...who knows. But it seemed to help...maybe it was moral support for me..who knows. I don't know if I can really relate because unlike your spouse I am all for treatment and the medication does help me--I can tell a difference when i forget to take it--which makes me a little angry because I think i will never be cured and will depend on medication for life. Anyway, I guess I want to try to relate to your husband. Depression sucks!!!! Even though I am at a pretty good point in my life, I still get manic (not as much before or intense), but it just reminds me of what I've been through and scares me...don't want to put myself or my husband through that again. It hurts though...it hurts soooo much. I'm not saying to stay in an unhappy marriage or let him suck the fun out of your life. Definitely sounds like he needs to get treatment or more treatment and definitely sounds like you need to do something different...like I did after I got married. Human behavior is so complex and no one person can know the best advice...but maybe this gave you or someone insight. Maybe it helped ME to type this out. I feel like I'm being selfish if I say, just try to understand his mental illness and maybe try to make him understand his own mental illness...but depression really does suck. I guess that's why suicide is such a problem. I know it sucks for the spouse who has to watch it happen...I hope you find your way.

I can say this....you are very lucky to have children. Lately, when I get into a "manic period" it has to do with not having any luck with conceiving...or fear of being a horrible mother.

Hope you keep us posted if your husband does see a therapist...it's not for everybody at first but it's worth a second, third, a fourth try.

Wow. You have completely described my husband. It scares me how perfect your description is! I can totally relate...

I guess I've known about his depression, but thought he was just overreacting. His mother suffers from the same thing, but I always assumed it was from living with her overbearing husband. At any rate, I feel the hardest two things to deal with his depression is (1) my feeling of isolation, and (2) the negative comments, cutdowns, snippiness, all around a - hole behavior, etc. Do you have the same experience? If so, how do you deal with it? I talked to him tonight and urged him to get help and told him that if this is the way it's going to be for the rest of our lives, that is really going to suck...for everyone - me, the kids, AND him. He doesn't seem to believe that he can get hope for it, that it's something that he (and the rest of us) have to suffer with, but I want him to at least try talking to a therapist and maybe light medication, just to see if it works at all...any suggestions???

Achamb1968,

I found a book through Amazon once while trying to simply understand being depressed.

"Talking to Depression" by Claudia J. Strauss.

Its for people whom are around someone suffering from Depression. My folks, siblings and friends wanted to help, but just bewildered on what to say or do. After they started reading the book, alot of questions and even their definations of what Depression is and isnt, were corrected. The book is not to be used as a sole means of treatment. It will start to get the conversation going.

Your husband might answer your questions with silence. Don't take it as him resisting or fighting. Trust me (as I'm suffering through Depression), he is fighting the toughest fight of his life right now. When someone has Depression, just getting through the day, is a victory.

Take things in small steps. Be understanding and accept that setbacks WILL happen from time to time. Get him to see a therapist. Have him go twice a week for a few months. Figure out the little things that he likes. Does he like to read the paper in the morning? Put a post-it note with a heart on the front page. Or, decide on a project in your living space, like painting a room, or finding a new piece of furniture that is from an anitic store (not IKEA).

And if you dont have a pet....talk about getting a puppy or kitten. Get a second one. Let him pick out the pet. Those little four legged balls of fur, DO, help in little ways.

Go for walks together (puppies need walks!). Take in a classic movie.

But take things slowly and patiently. Depressed people want help. They truely do. Every day, is a struggle to get through. Find the book, it'll help you, as it help my family and friends.

Your situation seems to mirror mine except it's going on 24 years of marriage for me. My husbands depression was always sporadic in the early years and I attributed it to moodiness. After he lost his father almost 10 years ago it is clear cut. He took meds for a while and it did help. Now he just doesn't take them anymore. The holidays are approaching & I've always loved and dreamed of big holidays with our family etc. He hates it. Last year he actually bought me nothing for Christmas, not even a token, thinking of you & complained in front of the family about what he rec'd. We have two daughters one is grown & on her own the other is in college. The empty house is so depressing to me. He doesn't even talk to me. I am turning into a workaholic because I am treated with respect & caring there & have a sense of need, accomplishment & belonging. The only reason I come home at all is because I feel bad if I don't get home to the dog. I have absolutely nobody I can talk to. Not one girlfriend anymore, he's made sure to alienate all of them on my behalf. I could fix that but it's too embarrassing. I hope things get better for you. Now that the kids are grown & spend my free time figuring out the divorce. I hate that and feel like a failure although logically & intelligently I know I'm not. Gosh it feels good to vent this. I suggest professional help & medication. It doesn't go away but can be managed if the person with the disease is willing. If not, you cannot help them.

I thought I was the only one! I thought he was cheating! He changed so suddenly! But, I guess looking back the change was always there. I just didn't know the signs. How do you live with this person you don't know? I really think at some point I may have been depressed myself...maybe that when he had to do everything; and now he's so burned out and I the reason he's like this! What can I do? He is definitely depressed! Drinking uncontrollably sometimes! Our kids are seeing it and feeling the rejection! I feel like I have strengthened but in such shock that I really don't know how to handle this! I want to leave and then I don't want to; I love him and worry about who would care for him! I know he loves us...but, lately, it's been hard to tell! He won't get help; I have asked him to. Should be more proactive about getting him help? When I ask him about getting help...he nevers says no...he just says have you already spoke with the doctor or I will get back with you! Finances is what got us to this point...I don't care about it as long as we are together! A FAMILY! Help me! I don't want to lose my husband and I don't want to leave him! What should I do?

I am living with a depressed spouse. I feel so alone. It was very helpful to read your post and those that followed yours. My husband just got home from being hospitalized due to his depression. He is receiving treatment, but it doesn't seem to be working. He seems as depressed as when I took him to the hospital. I am afraid of what he might do. He's worked so hard at isolating himself, now I'm not sure that there is anyone to help him besides me. It seems that to him everything that is wrong in his world is my fault and all I want to do is help. He is resentful of his doctors and feels that he has tried to get help and that they treat him like a child. I can hear the ppl who want the doctors, hospital, medicine, etc to be the answer screaming, "At least your husband sought help!" and he did. But we seem no better off now than before. I don't know what else to do!?! I feel lost.

What a wonderful website for me to stumble upon! I have been bawling for the past half hour because there are spouses out there just like me. I have been married for 16 years with a depressive husband. The depression came shortly after we started dating, 19 years ago! He is very good about taking his medication and has always managed to stay at work, HOWEVER, everything else has taken its toll on me. We have two children. I have always been known as the happy, smiling one, but I am at the end of my rope. I have no energy left to help him any more. I am tired of him always being ticked off at me and/or the kids. I am tired of never being good enough. I am tired of him always having a bad day at work. I am tired of him feeling like he never gets any time to himself. I am tired of having the kids for the whole weekend while he naps all afternoon. I admit that I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and always will admit that, but he is sucking the life blood out of me so that I have nothing left. He feels that I am the problem, that I am sucking the life blood out of him, that I can't keep the kids quiet while he takes a 3 hour nap in the middle of a Saturday afternoon. I fear that suicide is always in the back of his mind. He is always the victim. I still love him dearly...when he is not moody/sad/grumpy/tired, he is very funny. I don't know how long I can live like this any more, but if we do split up, I know that he will blame it on me. I know better. But my positive, cheery, upbeat personality is getting crushed and I just don't think I can take much more!! Thank you for letting me vent, and I will read this website closely so that I can know that there are other women out there like me. I do know that I cannot make him happy and that he must find it within himself to do this...but at what cost to me and the kids???