Depression Community

All of these stories are just like mine. The hardest part is trying to make others understand. I got so tired of making excuses for why my husband doesn't join us on holidays, attend social outings or when he does why he spends his time in a corner on his own avoiding eye contact and conversation. I used to say that he was tired or not feeling well or had a sore back. Anything to find an "acceptable excuse" as to why he was always so disengaged. My husband too has suffered from severe depression most of his life. I believe too he has Asperger's on top of this. He displays all of the symptoms. I am so tired of accommodating his illness and being expected to be the one who keeps everyone and everything together and support and understand his condition but also take the blame for all the reasons he's not coping. There is little support for the person living with and coping with someone elses depression unless we pay for that support in terms of a trained therapist. No one who hasn't lived through it understands it making the isolation worse. I just tell people now that my husband suffers from depression which is why he is always so disengaged. My husband hates that I do that because while he wants to wrap it around himself like an old blanket because that's the way he is comfortable, he doesn't want me to talk about it to him or to anyone else. When I say he wraps it around himself and is comfortable with that I mean that he resists any efforts to confront it and do anything about it other than take meds which is another comfort for him. I've tried to talk to him and encourage him to make some positive changes like getting exercise, eating healthier, smoking and drinking less, forcing himself to engage with me and his children, seeking counselling (he's done this but declared it useless and expensive), confiding in people he trusts. I am always met with resistance or a completely blank wall. The more I suggest or try to help the more he becomes withdrawn and try to tell me that I think I have the answer to everything. I've asked him to remember that I'm his wife, not his enemy and as a family we can work through this together. He refuses to believe that the way he is can have any flow on effect to any of us and that is' his burden to bear. I have begun medication myself for depression because as a lot of you say, this sucks the life right out of you and the rest of the family. I have extensively read about how I might support him and keep my own sanity intact but while that helps to a degree it's very hard to remain positive, or to continue to try when you're confronted with it every waking hour of every day. I too don't look forward to going home because I know there will be a "black cloud" looming in my home. I have two children who don't understand why Daddy won't bother to answer them when they talk to him or when he does they are met with anger about "bothering" him or making a noise his ears are incredibly sensitive to. If there's a tap dripping down the other end of the house he will hear it and will not stop until he puts an end to it and if he can't his irritation rises and he cannot concentrate on anything else until he's managed to make that noise go away. Last night we were trying to have a conversation and there was something on the table that made a rattling sound which I had not noticed but he had picked up on it and would not give up until he had it solved and sorted. He obviously could not concentrate on a word I was saying and HAD to make that noise disappear. The kids were then playing with each other and laughing but he couldn't stand that either so yelled and then removed himself from the house to his "den" where he hides away and smokes cigarettes constantly. Life is tough as you all know.

You are a hero. You have summed up my life with the withdrawn, inactive, unemotional, uninterested husband that I have been married to for 20 years. He takes his meds and seeks counseling, and it has helped some, but it is a rough roller coaster ride. Yes, I feel all alone. No one else understands what I am going through. The kids don't get it and really don't care anymore. It feels like I am a single parent.

Thank you Sargemommy. Glad I was able to help, in some small way. I got a bit irritated when I ran out of "space" to keep going with my story. I too feel like a single parent of 3 children instead of two but he is much harder work than the actual children. There is very little in the way of support for those of us living with it. It invades every aspect of our lives and I find that too often, therapists, support sites etc are so focussed on telling us how to understand it and accept it and accommodate it that it feels like to me, they're telling us to enable it. I understand that clinically "snap out of it" doesn't work but sometimes I so want to say that. I envy my friends and family who live with a non depressed spouse. I envy that they may only have to worry about the fact that their husband won't do the washing. We have to worry about the fact that our husband won't do the washing OR anything. It's like having to be 100 steps ahead of yourself all the time and taking into account the possible mood your husband may be in when he gets home from work or you get home from work, whatever the case may be. It's stealing yourself emotionally on your drive home for what you may confront when you get there, for ensuring you remain upbeat and positive for the children who may have been home with their father but who have had absolutely nothing in the way of interaction from him. I could go on but I'm sure you and many others know all too well what I'm saying. It's like living on the knife's edge every moment of your life. Making a simple decision to go to the hair dresser is fraught with angst about how he may feel about you having time to yourself, whether or not leaving the children with him while you do will cause him so much frustration that he will lash out verbally to them or just completely ignore them. Don't get me wrong, my husband has never been physically harmful to our children but when he is upset his words can cut like a knife and I spend all of my time on edge trying to ward that off and protect them from those verbal attacks which he believes are justified. When my husband is having one of his better days he can be very loving but never very engaging. We've had marriage difficulties of course and many times I've thought about leaving but like many others, when the good times are around you remember why you married them in the first place. I feel like sometimes my husband likes the way he is and it excuses him from ever having to take responsibility for anything. The reasons behind my thinking may have to wait for another day though.

The common thread in all of this is how lonely and isolated we feel and angry at having to singularly take on a role that would normally be taken on in a partnership i.e. a husband and a wife, supporting each other and their children. I too used to be such a happy, incredibly social person but I no longer socialise, rarely, if ever invite people into my home and try to avoid saying yes to any invitations we might get to a social engagement. My husband and I separated for a short period of time after he told me in front of our counsellor that pretty much everything was my fault for not understanding his depression and what it does to him. Despite my best efforts to explain how very much I understood it but wanted him to understand how it affects me and the children, and our extended families but that I wanted to work towards saving our marriage, he told me also in front of the counsellor that he felt there was no hope of saving our marriage unless I changed my behaviour. I saw red and after becoming quite agitated I explained that I had spent the last 11 years changing my behaviour to suit him and walked out. He refused to see that I was desperate to have him see what it was doing to us all. He, of course wanted to come back but I wouldn't let him until he started to make some changes, which he did but of course after a couple of weeks of being back home things went right back to where they were. His mood improved slightly and I could tell he was trying very hard in that regard but he was still disengaged from the rest of us. I knew in the last couple of weeks that a serious bout was coming on after he had an upset with his best mate. Things started to go downhill and he finally confided in me. I have to wait for him to do this because if I confront him with it he gets angry. I explained that I knew it was coming and that he was going to have to find some way to deal with it because I was tired of trying to protect him from the stresses of having a family and a job and trying to protect myself and the children from his depression. I know it's not the suggested way but I pretty much told him I wasn't interested and that my priority was first to myself and the children and that he is a grown man and would have to find a way to act responsibly to move forward. Of course he tries, always in a very nice way, to make me responsible for everything, including if he's not doing enough around the house. He recently had to re-sign a contract at work for a position he doesn't enjoy and even that was my fault. In the nicest way possible he tells me that he only signed it because of me and the kids. One more way to make me responsible. Don't get me wrong, I know my husband loves me and the kids but the responsibility of a family is very difficult for him to cope with leaving me burdened with it and for him, it's ok for me to take that on because his "depression" means he's incapable. It's like he believes I have a never ending reservoir of energy and resources and that as long as I'm not expecting anything from him things should always run smoothly. My husband is incredibly smart and generous but doesn't want to know about the responsiblity. He thinks if he cooks dinner he's made a world of difference to my life and that of the kids. He believes that being in the same room as the kids is spending time with them. He believes he's not rude to people that come to the house when he ignores them and then goes and hides away in his room. He thinks his behaviour is pefectly normal. He holds onto his depression because it's an excuse for not trying and not having to be responsible. Ahhh, so exhausting and I have decided that now, my responsiblity is to ensuring the kids and I are as happy as can be. I can't help him with his depression and despite what all the "advice" says I will not accommodate it and make room for it in our lives. I know though that it's easier to say that than it is easier to do. That black cloud hangs around and looms low.

Dear itsfornina ,
You are soooo right: "The common thread in all of this is how lonely and isolated we feel and angry at having to singularly take on a role that would normally be taken on in a partnership." Mother's Day was another example of the disappointment I feel from my husband. Ironically, he gave me a card stating that I was not his mother, but rather, his wife. However, he thanked me for taking care of him, like a child. Soooo true. He slept most of the day. No special treatment from him. Not once, did he even say "Happy Mother's Day, Dear!" He is so self centered, so inactive, so uninterested, so uninvolved in our lives. Anger is all I feel at the moment.

Wow I am sorry your feeling this way.
It can be very emotionals. I feel the same way you do at times. Right now I to am at a low. All of what you stated at the end is how my dh also acts.
We need to take care of our selfs so we have energy to help them & we dont have so many negative thoughts.
We have to remember those positive things that he is doing.

Stay postive, happy & remember the great moments & most of all take care of yourself.

I too have been living with a depressed Husband. I did not realize that was the issue really until about few weeks ago. 2 weeks ago I was fed up with everything he did and pushed his friends out of his life, which really is pushing the friends away from me too. I and our friends don't understand his moods and his behaviors. Now I understand, but after reading about it, I am still not sure this makes it all better.
Is it true that depression will always be a life long struggle? I think my husband has been dealing with depression for 7 years, but I just didnt know the signs. He is just now starting therapy and anti-depressants, but so far it is only making things worse. Is this really going to help him be a better person? I have high doubts after what I have read on here.
If I have to sacrifice my happiness for him, then how can we live in a happy marriage and family? Is there really no hope?
2 weeks ago I told him I was ready to leave. Then he said he will go to therapy and get help. I feel its too late after this long drawn out marriage where he pushed away help. And now that he wants help, I still feel like I have nothing else left to give! I am tired of being unhappy and want to be happy. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to leave if I want to be happy and he cannot still be happy with life? I just don't think I can stick around anylonger. And no offense to those who stayed longer, but I don't think I can do this for another 10 years! I think I would become depressed and that would not be in the best interested of our daughter. Am I wrong for leaving for that?

Hi sweetypie295. Only you can decide what is best for you and what you're prepared to put up with. I for one would never tell anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage, especially with someone who doesn't seem to want to make the changes. I refer to my husband's depression as his warm blanket. He's so used to it he feels uncomfortable without it. Having said that though, he has made some incredible changes and we have an agreement now that when I notice the symptoms of a heavy withdrawal period coming on I bring it to his attention and he tries to address it rather than what he used to do which was get angry at me and tell me I had no idea what I was talking about. Don't get me wrong though, it's taken a very long time to get to this point and a lot of hard work and misery. It's not easy, as you are now acutely aware. If you're husband truly wants to make the changes you too should see the therapist and work through your feelings and the two of you should have a session with the therapist together so that you are given an open forum in which to tell your husband how the situation makes you feel. Beware though, not all therapists are the right therapists and you might have to therapist "shop" to find the right fit. My husband was seeing one and I thought she was making matters worse by "enabling" him and giving him permission to continue to feel miserable and that I was to just do whatever I could to help him. Unfortunately it meant more giving on my behalf when I was completely spent. I wanted change and if it wasn't going to come then I was going to walk. I asked him to change therapists. He promised he would but then just stopped going to one altogether. He spent a lot of time observing the relationships of others and the way they interacted with their partners and kids and started to see that the way he behaves is just not the behaviour displayed by other men in "happier" families. We are still together after many ups and downs and one separation but I am seeing changes I never thought I would ever see and having him accept that his behaviour has far reaching consequences for us all has meant that he is more able to talk about it and listen to advice when he never would before. It may be the case that you need to take medication because you may already be feeling the effects of his depression and there is no harm or shame in doing that if it means you are going to be able to cope much better with what you're faced with. Understanding his depression doesn't make it any easier to live with, you're right. Having to explain his behaviour to other people who don't understand is also tiring but I gave up making acceptable excuses for my husband and started telling people he suffers from depression. Why should I hide behind that veil and leave myself open to the possibility of having a lonely life.

I don't know if I've been any help and I sure wouldn't ever judge you for wanting to walk away and doing it. It's a tough road there is no doubt about it. He might not be on the right medication and I know that depression leads to a break down in communication and you may get to the point where you can't even raise that possibility with him - he will protect his situation at all costs and block you out - it's up to you to decide how much of it you can take.

emmajo2012 I agree with the post above.
You have to be the one who decides what is best for you & your daughter.
It can be Very Hard, it just depends on how much you can handle. Whatever you chose the people in the same boat as you support you one way or another.
As itsfornina commented if your not already seeing a therapist I would find one & start you need some support with whatever you chose.

We are hear for you. Take Care. ((hug))

I understand your situation itsfornina totally! I'm in the same position it would seem. I've been with my husband for 25 years and we have two small children. His depression and anxiety have escalated over the last 5 years and I simply don't know who he is anymore. I juggle every day with the decision of what to do. I totally love the man he once was. We were very happy, but today he is a different man. I'm caught now because we have these beautiful children - but on the other hand his outbursts of anger and frustration (and me always the target) and his negative outlook on life are also not good for them to see. My counsellor once told me that if he could have self control in front of others he should manage it with those he loves. But he just can't manage it. I'm to blame for absolutely everything that is wrong in his life and the world in general. He's now spending endless hours in chatrooms so he can get 'socialisation' he says. He's been to counselling but she simply enabled him and helped him to see that I'm a big part of his problem. He's tried medication but given up on it because it made him feel 'numb'. I've supported this man emotionally and financially for years and all I get back from him is abuse and comments as to the effect that I've robbed him of everything and don't understand him. My endless nights being woken up by him so he can 'talk' through things has meant nothing. My unending 'cover ups' of him with his behaviour mean nothing. I'm so tired of it all. In the end I see what the others are saying, we just have to get to the point when we know it has to stop. I just wish I had the man I loved back again. I really don't want this new one.

I have been living with my depressed spouse for the last twenty-eight years. His depression comes and goes, but for the most part, even when he is not severely depressed, he is withdrawn and emotionally unavailable. His mother suffered from anxiety and depression, although no one in the family talked about it until she died. His grandfather (mother's father) committed suicide in his early forties. His brother and sister are both on antidepressants - so as you can see, depression runs in his family.

If you were to meet him, your impression would be that he is successful, confident and easy going. He is extremely intelligent, athletic and good looking. He looks much younger than he is in years. My big gripe with him lately is that he can be very charming when we are at social events, but the minute he walks in the door, he goes back to his "hole" and the black cloud that he has created. I love one of the other descriptions - "its like living in a funeral home". He is very disattached and complains constantly about physcial aches and pains. He is very sensitive to the heat, and goes into a big depresssion if the temperature gets above 90 degrees. We bought a vacation home in Florida, and really enjoyed it for the first five years, but for the last two years he has decided it is too hot and refuses to have a good time. He literally sucks the fun out of any activity we do now. Lately, I have avoided even suggesting we do anything together for fear it will be a big disappointment - he finds fault in everything. 28th anniversary was hardly discussed and he ended up going to bed early as usual. I am really worrried about having to live the rest of my life this way.

Forgot to add that he has asked for professional help with his depression, but so far has not found a medication that helps him long term. He has been on about five different anti-depressants, but none have seemed to help. He was diagnosed years ago with ADD, and is also on medication for that. He is willing to go back and try a new medication. He does not want to live this way either. He keeps saying he can't do anything - and gets frustrated when I say I don't know what he means or what that feels like.

What I do know is how isolated and lonely I feel. I don't expect my friends to understand what we are dealing with, so I don't talk about it. Underneath it all, the worst part is that I feel somewhat responsible for it. I'm always asking myself what I'm doing to make him unhappy. I worry that friends will think I'm causing his depression if I share with them.

You are definitely not causing your husband's depression. You're an easy target for him to blame. My husband does the same exact thing to me. I feel beaten down mentally even though I know that I am not responsible for his depression. Life is hard, and my husband has had a lot of misfortune in his life. I believe he just couldn't fight the good fight anymore and his body and mind just gave up. He is good about using medication, but I don't think there is a drug currently out there that can bring back the guy that I used to know and love.

This is my first time acknowledging on line how miserable I am living with a severely depressed spouse with severe anxiety. I get so depressed thinking about the future and how it will never improve. As everyone has mentioned, I too am exhausted from doing everything myself and having to deal with family and friends' comments about why my husband is not accompanying me to social events. I feel my life is over. Reading everyone's comments makes me feel like I am not alone. I wish we were local and could go out once a week and enjoy life so that we have the strength to deal with our depressed spouses for the remainder of the week. When I go out with friends and family, I try to avoid any conversation about my husband b/c I don't want their pity.

Dear Aintnosunshine,
I, too, find comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this world, living with a spouse who is depressed. My spouse is suffering from major depression. I have finally come to realize that there aren't any meds that will fix him. He has been seeking help for over 13 years. However, I don't feel responsible for his illness like pennymargarita does. I,too, wish we were local and could get together to enjoy life with companions that truly understand the situation. I will be here for you and others to use this as an outlet to let our feelings go. Thank you and others for helping me deal with this life.

Thank you so much for your kind response. This is the first time I have shared my feelings, and admitted to feeling somehow guilty for my husband's unhappiness. Didn't realize I had been harboring all of this for so long. When I read all of these stories, I realize how much we all have in common and I feel sad we have to endure it all. I realized how much tension there is in our house, and how I've been trying for so long to cover it up. It is exhausting!!

So good to know I'm not alone, and these stories give me
a reality check and a perspective of what is really going on.
Sometimes you lose sight of that. I have to keep remembering that my husband has a disease and all of the moodiness, anger and withdrawl is related to the disease - NOT anything I'm doing.

Thanks again!