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    major depression
    amailia posted:
    I have been diagnosed with major depression since 1985. I am on two types of antidepressants at present. I have inherited depression from my mother.

    My doctor says that I am on the highest dose of medication he can give me next to ECT. He said that my kids are killing me; they have no empathy toward my depression. I have three sons in their 40's. I lost my husband to cancer in 1996. My life has always been difficult to cope with.

    I struggle from giving up hope and just want all the pain to quit.

    I have suicidal thoughts most of the time; but I am still strong enough to not act it out to hurt myself.
    Loveisme responded:
    Hello Amailia,

    I want to let you know that this is a a great place to learn , to hope and to take your mind else where and in the inside of someone else mind and heart. I can not even imagine the pain that you are going through. And i feel that what your doc. might have said was just a little over the edge. Your sons love you i know they do, I love you. It is written in the word of god. Do you pray love? if you do keep your faith for he has his strongest angles around you. I know that the days seem long . Yet rethink your thoughts to better ones ...umm like good memories that you and your husband shared or a funny memory that you remember in your life and laugh ...laugh out loud if you want tooo or even come on line and share it with us .. . Just know that we are all here to help you we are and your not alone.........
    susiemargaret responded:
    hello, amailia --

    what a pretty name!

    hang onto that strength that keeps you from acting on your most destructive thoughts. it is the depression talking when you have those thoughts, not your true self. come here and get support from other people who understand exactly what you are feeling, two/three/four/however many times a day if you need to. we'll be here.

    ECT can help, but it is only a very last resort, when everything else has failed. is your prescribing dr a psychiatrist or a family dr? psychiatrists usually know more about psych meds than family drs do, so if possible (if you are not already seeing one) try to find a psychiatrist to re-evaluate your meds regimen. there are many, many antidepressants out there, and unless you have tried several, and experimented with different dosages, it is way too soon to be thinking about ECT.

    are you seeing a therapist?

    you are in our thoughts. will you write back to us to let us know how you are doing?

    -- susie margaret
    arisner responded:
    Amalia, we are here and so is our dear Lord Jesus. Did you get my post about the program for your sons? It is for family members as well.
    whatevertoday responded:
    Your lucky in a way that your doctor at least validates who is hurting you and not supporting you.

    Mine was always trying to make me go back to my family. I'm 45 and decided it was enough abuse and non support so I'm staying away.

    Maybe, if you can, you need to not rely on your sons. My 2 brothers don't understand my major depression either. My older brother doesn't even hardly talk to me. Didn't visit when I was in the hospital or even acknowledge it. I was so suicdal and he didn't even care. His son laughs when I said they thought I was bipolar. He said everyone has bipolar nowadays. So cruel.

    I've never tried ECT but I've thought about wanting it to get some relief. I saw a show on it once and the lady seemed to really be out of it after for days and to me she seemed very lost. She was almost non verbal. I know my brain sucks, but I can't imagine having a harder time remembering things and stuff. It would frustrate me more.

    I sent away for information on this new other type of treatment where they put a vagus nerve stimulation implant in you. Of course, I haven't really followed thru, but was feeling very desperate at that time. They send you a package with a CD and stuff. I'm out of work now and I'm so lost. I'm also struggling with suicidal thoughts and it scares me because I am basically licking the curb. I'm in the gutter.

    I have no job and have 1/2 the income now on unemployment. That will run out eventually. I have a 17 yr old dog. I worry about having to put her to sleep. Where will I even get the money. I wanted her cremated to and want to spread her ashes in the ocean. I have so much on my mind. I have severe recurrent depression and have struggled with this since before 15 yrs old. i've had suicidal thoughts for all this time. Started with dysfunctional family stuff. I was so depressed my entire life.

    I don't take meds right now and I think I'm going to try again..maybe. I have been on so many drugs its ridiculous. 4 yrs in therapy with a psychiatrist, in a 3 day/week program at the hospital, seen other doctors. I'm at such a loss. I'm in give up mode. I am really really wiped out emotionally. Now I have so much rage. Alot of my depression is because of the way I get treated. Like crap from everywhere I turn.

    I can't even find a job because I'm afraid someone will hurt me and I'll have a meltdown. 45 years of mistreatment has taken its toll. I know exactly why people don't want to live anymore. Its like you feel dead already.

    Sorry. I don't want to be so negative. I'm just trying to say that its hard and I understand. If you can stay away from the subject of depression with your kids thats best. They sound cold and very ignorant about what you are going through. My brothers are the same way. I had my twin sit in the hospital w/me and his eyes teared. It made me mad in a way. He has treated me so bad in the past and even lets his wife and girlfriends treat me like crap, but wants me to given in. I won't this time. My other brothers wife comes to visit me with her sister and says other people have it harder (meaning her). She has had some tough stuff and is now fighting stage 4 cancer. But I wanted to kill myself and I don't need to be made to feel guilty for that. I was so nervous when my mother came to visit I threw up in the bathroom before she got there. I don't even want to talk to anyone these days. I stay away from everyone. Its so much better this way.

    My struggle is going on and on. No relief. Sucks.
    amailia responded:
    Hi loveisme,

    Thank you for responding to my post.

    I do believe in my HIGHER POWER; this is my hope to have the courage to carry on in my journey of life with depression. I came from a very religeous family background.

    I know that my sons love me; they have told me that very often. They all have serious problems and I will never abandon them in my lifetime. My doctor told me that they are accountable for their own life; but I am still their mom for life. I have been told that I am co-dependant and I have to work on this everyday; I tend to take on others problems like they are my own. I know I have to "let go and give it to God"

    This past year has been very hard on me. My youngest son was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and was given 2 to 6 months to live. He lived in Alaska so I brought him home and he was put on palliative care. We got a second medical opion on all his previous tests and a new diagnosis was given;;;he does not have cancer; he has sacriodiosis; chronic bronchial asthma and copd. He is still on alot of meds but has stabilized and is now working a full-time job. This has been a real emotional roller coaster for all of us; but thank God for the miracle for his life.

    Three years ago my oldest son went into rehab to detox from methadone. He did fine in his recovery for 2 years. He then hurt his back and was prescribed morphine and became addicted to it. He just went through rehab last month and is working hard at staying clean.

    I have nine grandchildren; my youngest is mentally challenged and she is 12 but her mental state is about a 6 year old. She is now going through an identity disorder and thinks and acts like she is a boy. The school has referred her to a psychiatrist to help her and the rest of us to cope with this. She also has ADHD. Two of my sons have ADHD and three of my other grandkids. They inherited this ailment from my husbands side of the family.

    I came from a very dysfunctional family. My parents were divorced when I was nine; I became an adult child. My mother was mentally challenged and also my brother. I was the oldest; I had a sister and two brothers. My mother, brother and sister have all passed away. My youngest brother had a tumor on his spine and had surgery when he was nine and has been paralyized from the waist down and in a wheelchair for years. My father abandoned us and remarried and had two more children; which were put out for adoption.

    I had depression at this early age but wasn't diagnosed until much later in my life by a psychiatrist. I am currently under psychiatric care and have talk therapy with a mental health social worker and also scheduled as an outpatient for therapy for depression at out psychiatric hospital.

    Right now I have fallen deep in the throws of depression; I have not been able to continue my treatment; it is hard for me to even get out of the house. I just sit and watch tv most of the day. I just hate this part of my life; it takes such effort for me to do anything that I get overwhelmed and do nothing. I know this is not healthy; my doctor said that I had to quit feeling sorry for myself!!

    I try to stay in a positive frame of mind but the dark side overtakes the bright side. I know I will come out of this; I have been here many times before. I take responsibility for my depression and I have to do positive things to help myself.

    I am feeling more confident and hopeful now that I am not alone with this disease.

    amailia responded:
    Hi susiemargaret,

    Thank you for your post.

    My name has history; I was named after both of my grandmas.

    I find that depression is such an individual disease; it is also a silent disease. I find that I cannot discuss serious issues like suicidal thoughts with any of my family members because they go into panic mode and just cannot understand. They tell me to take another "pill". Therefore I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and wear a mask that things are ok.

    I do not want to take ECT!! My mom had two nervous breakdowns and was given ECT and she was not the same after. She had very little emotion wasn't in tune with her surroundings.

    I have been under psychiatric care since 1985. I would not still be here if it had not been for intervention and antidepressant meds. I have tried different ones in the past and am currently on prozac and mertazipine (combination therapy) for the past 3 years.

    Winter is my hard time with depression; it gets worse at this time every year but I know it will lift when the sunshine comes through.I also have seasonal affective disorder and do light therapy for that.

    I am glad that I have found this website; this will be my lifeline. It is comforting to know that I am not alone and that there are other's who understand this disease with knowledge and education.

    Loveisme responded:
    Hey Amailai how are you doing today ? I hope that your doing well and your mind body and soul is in positive stage and the love and the support of your friends here have made you smile and have let you know that you always have someone to talk to . I see that your faith is strong and the devil is trying to take that yet the lord will not give you to him . Keep your faith love. I'm happy hat your son is well and is able to work as he is doing and your other is son is trying to stay on that right path. That is right you are there mother and you will always be that no matter what anyone says. And they need you and you you need them are not being co dependent or taking on their problems and worries you are a family and Family is the key and the support of one another is the life . you are all co depending on each other in your own little ways. Your strong and let me tell you god has his strongest angels with you to help you, guide you and comfort you he does love If your able to go out for a walk go , sit on the porch , read a book go through some old photos of the family and the good times you all share bring your spirit alive again. smell the fresh air...... smile even when you dont want to .. keep thoughts close to your heart .. allow your heart to heal and let your soul rest .. its okay its okayyyyyy
    amailia responded:
    Hi Arisner,

    Thank you for the post and the above mentioned email address.

    I will be checking this out further; I could use some help coping with my son's addiction.

    I have been referred to AlAlon but have not had the energy to follow through. I am just totally exhausted, mentally, physically and financially.

    I have to remind myself that addiction is a disease; just like depression. I also have to remind myself that relapse is part of recovery in addictions.

    I also have to remind myself that this is my son's journey; he has to help himself. I just have to let go and let God do his work...

    amailia responded:
    HI Whatevertoday,

    Thank you for the post.

    My doctor is young and very intelligent; but he is also very honest. His honesty hurts sometimes. The balance is wrong in my life; my kids need me alot more than I need them. I can take care of myself on my own.

    My goal this next year is to make my kids independant not dependant on me financially or emotionally. I need to take care of ME NOW and become the driver of my own bus and put others in the back of the bus!!

    My immediate family is all deceased. Other family members cannot understand what I am going through. They are all in denyal; just get over it type of attitude. Even my friends tell me that and they get very angry if I mention what is going on in my life, so I have just quit communicating with them all. I have my own anger to deal with; I don't need theirs!!

    I am on meds since 1985 but when the stress level gets too high in my life they don't hold me. Getting rid of the stress is easier said than done sometimes. My mom had ECT and I do not want this treatment if I can help it. I have done some research on it and it has improved over the years but I still have many doubts about it.

    I was told once that depression is anger turned inwards; I believe there is some truth to this. It's ok to be negative if that is what you are feeling, the first step in helping ourselves is to be honest with our feelings. I have learned in life that you can't change others; you can only change yourself.

    I am sorry to hear that your family is not supportive; that makes the heart hurt.. However, you have this website for support and education. I too am suicidal but have not acted out on it as of yet. I take life one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time and never give up hope; that is my salvation..Over the years I have had these down times before and I know they will pass. I have to ride the wave of depression and someday I will hit the shore of happiness...No one can understand depression fully unless you have experienced it.

    I have been in treatment for a long time and have learned alot about depression and grief. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and I will try to help you.

    I am glad that I found this website; by helping myself I can help others.

    Keep in touch,

    amailia responded:
    Hi Loveisme,

    Thank you for the kind words; they made me feel better. You are a very wise lady and have a wonderful insight.

    I had a good day today; I gave my poodle a hair cut and bath. His name is Lucky and he is my little man at 4 pounds. He brings me alot of joy.

    I have had alot of thoughts going through my head today; around and around with no real answers. I am feeling stressed and depressed with the holidays coming. When I see others joy about xmas. it just makes me feel sadder. I will be glad when this is all over this year.

    My second oldest son phoned my tonite. We made a TO DO LIST for the year 2011. We plan on taking a vacation together to see the western part of Canada. He wants to rent a motorhome and we will just stroll along with no deadlines to meet. I told him I would pay for half the trip. He was really excited about this and said this would be a great gift to him.

    I am keeping the faith and trying to stay strong.

    Talk to you soon,

    kanialei responded:
    I've always had people tell me, "We love you. Don't hurt yourself, you can just get over it" thinking that it was exactly what I needed to hear and that it would just solve everything if I knew I was loved. It didn't. It helped knowing I was loved by family and friends, which was partially what kept me alive, but it wasn't the deciding factor to live from day to day. I've experienced a lot of things in my short lived (22 year) life and I'd like to think it's so I can better relate to people in need. That one of my purposes in life is to help others realize even though they feel they are alone, in their own dark, dark, sad world... they aren't... they're just standing next to everyone else who is in their own dark, sad worlds too.

    Ultimately, most people will tell you what worked for their depression or "blues" and swear that if you just try it, it will work for you too, and you'll be cured... but what I quickly found was that I had to find my own hopes and encouragements because everyone is unique. This is your time to be creative and do it FOR yourself, not anyone else. You know yourself better than anyone. You know what small things make you happy throughout a day, so try to fill your day with those small things and find reasons for you to enjoy a day. Most of the time it feels impossible, through the hazy skies of grey, just take comfort in knowing, we've all been through the same.

    As for your therapist... he sounds like a decent guy, just perhaps not the exact match for you. It doesn't sound like he's actually been through the hell that is depression, therefore I don't think he can relate on a complete level someone else might be able to.

    I think it's excellent you're making the efforts you are. You sound like a strong and motivated woman, and for that I applaud you. You are steps ahead of most, and I hope you find the strength to continue doing so and possibly help others going through the same obstacles. And maybe one day get through it all, look back, and say it was all worth while... because I helped someone LIVE.
    amailia responded:
    Hi Kanialei,

    Thank you for the wonderful post, you are such a wise lady for your age. You have such a wonderful insight!

    I am glad to hear that your family loves you; so many do not have that to hang onto. However, when I am in the throws of depression love from others does not hold me. The depression is all consuming and there is no room for any other emotions. When I am feeling suicidal I am in so much pain that I just want it to end. Then I think of the legacy I would leave to my kids and grandkids and I know I could not do this to them. This usually pulls me back to reality and I have to be strong and push on for another day in hopes the depression will lift. The depression does lift I am a product of this, so this gives me the hope that I need.

    I agree with you depression is an individual disease; each and every case is different. We each own our depression and how we cope and what works for us may not work for others. By sharing our experiences may give someone a new tool to help them cope better; if I can do that I would be happy. I have found over the years that I had to take responsibility of my depression; and in the down times, I tell myself this is the time to look at me inside and take care of me..I alone can only do that. This is my time for reflection and take baby steps to make my life better. When I am very low; I tell myself that this too will lift and have to believe it.

    As far as my therapist; he is the best we have around here. Some of the things he says really do disturb me; like my kids are killing me. It took me by surprise and it took me along time to get my head around this; I thought his job is to make me feel more confident and better about myself, not shoot me down. I could get a referral to another therapist but that would mean a 60 mile drive one way. My wish is to get off my meds so I don't have to see any therapists anymore.

    I am so glad I found this website; it has opened a whole new world for me. I hope to help others through my experiences and hopefully that will make their life somewhat better. I have come along long way since I was diagnosed in 1985 and am a testimony that there is light at the other end of the tunnel and want to share this with others in their darkest hours.

    I believe there is a reason for everything, and we have to learn from our journeys to help others...

    Take Care,

    HairlessPoleCat responded:
    I have been battling depression for MOST of my life. I have been on medication for the last fifteen years. I have gone through many different medications attempting to change my depression and nothing seemed to working. I also battle with suicidal thoughts continually. It is an addiction for me. It is my drug of choice you might say...I resort to it when I think I have no other answers or when things seem hopeless. "How I survived while my brain was trying to kill me" is the name of a book written by Susan Rose Blauner, you can buy it off the internet or get a bookstore to order it for you. I highly recommend it IF you are still struggling with those thoughts. It has helped me immensely especially in moments when I was really fighting because the book gives you hands on things you can do while you are staying alive. It really works! If you don't have a counselor (a therapist) that recognizes suicidal ideation as a possible addiction you might want to look into that. I have not had an easy ride on this planet myself. I fight those thoughts every single day. Hope I have helped a little anyway.
    amailia responded:
    Hi HairlessPoleCat,

    Thank you for the post and reference to the book "How I Survived While my Brain Was Trying to KIll Me" by Susan Rose Blauner. I will try to track this down through Amazon.

    I never thought about suicidal ideation as a possible addiction; this is a new concept to me. When I think about it this does make sense.

    Right now I have decided to keep my suicidal thoughts to myself; last time I was asked if I had suicidal thoughts and if I had a plan of action, I said "Yes". Then they got all hyper and wanted to put me in the hospital for a rest. I talked my way out of it, but now I am very careful at what I say... I have this tape that keeps running in my head about suicide. In a way it is a release for me because I still have this choice to make, when I cannot go on any longer. So far I have been hanging on and have not taken any action. This is such a struggle to keep going when the final solution would end it. These are my thoughts on my bad days. I have children and grandkids and if I do this what a terrible legacy I would leave them with; this keeps me in reality..

    I am sorry to hear that the meds did not work for you. What does your doctor say about this? This is such a struggle to find meds that work for you, don't give up there has to be something that will work for you.

    In my journey I had tried many different therapies and have learned new coping skills from all of them. There is so much yet to learn about depression. hopefully in the near future research will discover new therapies.

    Take care,


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