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whatisexpectedofme posted:
depression is killing me - my husband and my marriage. I am beginning to run out of options. My hubby lost his job over a year ago and I went on full disability for having a nervous breakdown at work (not good when you are a school teacher).. We are about to lose our home of 26 years and there are no answers. My hubby is becoming angry at everything and treating me like a child. I find that I look for reasons to go take the dogs for a long walk or go to the barn to work with my horse. I have not cleaned my house like I use to in so long it is embarassing. I do not enjoy going out in public at all. I am very uncomfortable around people I do not know. I do not handle any finances but when I do ask my hubby what is going on - he gets mad. My energy is running low as is my desire for anything. I am tired and lonely. There are not too many places left to go. On top of all this I am expecting my first grandchild in 2 weeks. My son is on the opposite side of the country. No idea when we will see each other. My other son is moving to another state that takes 2 1/2 days to get to. They are my happy places. Is there anywhere to go from here???
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sixoffive responded:
Be kind to yourself. You have a lot of stress in your life--I also have a lot in my life--but love yourself and focus on the good things you are doing. The negative is always easier to see but it doesn't take you where you want to be. Like you, my grandkids are my joy. Think about your new grandchild and what a great miracle is coming into your family. With your kids away, can you communicate via email? Or what about making some simple cards and sending them to them? My kids love to get homemade cards--even my son. Don't be hard on yourself. The fact that you don't clean your house or enjoy going out in public. That is understandable and it doesn't mean it will always be like that. Accept where you are today and hug yourself. Read positive stories, poems or books. You're not alone. I have felt the feelings you are feeling. Life gets better.
 
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sixoffive responded:
I had to reply to you again. There are always answers. When one door closes, another door--or at least a window--opens. I believe this with all my heart. It's good to take your dogs for a walk and to work with your horse. See, those are possible things you are doing! Don't give up. You can email me you would like. cdmemb@peoplepc.com I care about you.
 
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JBLegally responded:
Remember, a lot of times if you are getting your meds from your primary physician, they often under prescribe. It sounds like you have the "avalanche" that occurs when you start a day off from a low baseline and then you become consumed with each stressor as they enter your thoughts.
 
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susiemargaret responded:
hello, W --

i am so terribly sorry about the likelihood of losing your home. i have always thought that life is much harder than it needs to be, and these days that is esp true, the reasons for which i have yet to understand.

i agree with JBL that if you are taking meds, it may be time for a re-evaluation of your meds regime. if you are not seeing a psychiatrist for your meds management, you should do so if possible. psychiatrists usually know much more about psych meds than family drs do, plus if you are not currently taking psych meds, a psychiatrist is the best person to start with. these meds do not turn you into a zombie or alter your personality; they merely rebalance the chemicals in your brain so that you can think more clearly about your day-to-day problems.

in addition, are you seeing a therapist? or is your husband? for either of you, this would be a safe place to vent your emotions, to get some objective feedback on how to cope with each other's frustrations, and to get some advice on your day-to-day problems.

if you cannot afford a psychiatrist, a therapist, or your meds, please write back, and i will send you some suggestions for finding all of these for free or at low cost (these are not hard but are relatively extensive, so i did not include them here).

frankly, i think playing with your dogs and working with your horse are perfectly good ways, and healthy too, to improve your spirits, or at least to keep them from drooping any further. i've been where you are in terms of not cleaning my house, not being caught up with the laundry, not getting the dishes off the counter and into the dishwasher, etc. those are not the worst things in the world, so please don't be so hard on yourself.

in addition, even when i am feeling well, i hate being around people i don't know, and when i feel really awful, i can barely bring myself to go out of the house, so your feelings in these respects are completely reasonable, or at least not unusual, in my view.

i hate it that you won't be able to be with your grandchild! altho e-mail, even with pictures, is a poor substitute, it is better than having no contact at all. if i were you, furthermore, with either son, i would rather e-mail or talk on the phone for five or ten mins/day than try to save everything up for a week's worth of news. it is the regularity of contact -- no matter how trivial it may seem at the time -- that will help you feel connected to your sons.

finally, have you considered going to a support group? many hospitals sponsor them (ask for the psychiatry dept to find out about this), and you can also find local ones thru the national alliance on mental illness (NAMI), http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=Find_Support , and thru the depression and bipolar support alliance (DBSA), http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=support_findsupportlanding .

i know how it feels to be in your situation. you are not alone, and things will not stay forever as they are now. i send you caring thoughts and hope that you will write back to let us know how you are doing.

-- susie margaret
 
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26yrmomof4 responded:
Also look up TMS or ECT and see if either might be a better help to you
 
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whatisexpectedofme replied to sixoffive's response:
Thanks for taking the time to read and answer. I truly appreciate your care. I like the idea of the positive stories, poems and books since I love to read. I will definitely work on finding those.

It is hard not to be hard on myself when my hubby thinks I am wrong all the time - but I am trying to stay clear of him as much as I can. Sounds mean - but it keeps what time we have enjoyable.

May your time be happy and positive. Thank you so very much!
 
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whatisexpectedofme replied to JBLegally's response:
All of my psych meds are from my psychiatrist. She is thinking about some changes in the near future. I am not sure how that will go but I am willing to try. Thanks for your advice!!!
 
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whatisexpectedofme replied to susiemargaret's response:
I am talking to a real good therapist and have a psychiatrist as well. I am taking a large amount of psych medications and have been told to count on being on them for a very long time - if not permanently (sorry - my spelling is questionable). i just want some peace for a little while. I want to know that I am not the loser I feel that I am. I want to know that my hubby respects me and doesn't really mean it when he says that I am a "disappointment" [his exact word> to him. I don't know which way to go. I will not deny that suicide has crossed my mind more than once - but the thought of missing my first grandchild helps a lot with keeping focused on here and now.

Thank you for you care and concern. And you are right - sometimes it feels like there is no one else there. Talking to someone who understands what life can be like is a blessing. If know one else around you understands, then where do you go. Bless you!
 
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susiemargaret replied to whatisexpectedofme's response:
hello again, W --

i'm glad to hear from you again.

is there a possibility that your husband would agree to go to marriage counseling with you? as is already obvious to you, the collective effect of all of these recent problems has been to sabotage any effective communications between the two of you. i know that you are working on this issue with your therapist, but it is really a joint problem.

and/or is there a possibility that your husband would agree to talk with your therapist for one session, not to discuss the specifics of your treatment but to get a better understanding of the stresses you are feeling and how they shape your behavior toward him and the situation in general? (for instance, saying that you are a "disappointment" to him doesn't help.)

and/or is there a possibility that your husband would agree to see a therapist by himself, even if only for a few sessions? perhaps you could frame this request by suggesting that he might be able to learn some ways to make his interactions with you less difficult -- in other words, to suggest that it might benefit him as far as coping with you, rather than because it is his behavior that is the problem. have you talked with your own therapist about persuading him to consider this?

one more thing has occurred to me -- your frustration is increased by the fact that you have very little knowledge, and no control, of the financial details that affect govern your life. maybe your husband wants to spare you from knowing them, maybe it is a power/control issue with him. regardless of why, i think that you might feel less helpless if you knew more. have you talked about this with your therapist?

and finally, you are not a loser! it took insight to figure out that you needed help and courage to get it. these are not the signs of a loser. i hate that term, and even if i didn't hate it, i wouldn't think it applied to you. please try not to be so hard on yourself.

the horrible things that have happened to you were not because you did anything to cause them. the horrible things that have happened to your husband were not because he did anything to cause them. the horrible things that are making your marriage difficult right now are not because either of you did anything to cause them.

it is completely unjust that horrible things happen regardless of what anyone does, did, or could have done, and i am so sorry that you and your husband are having to cope with them. i hope that you will keep us posted on how you and your husband are doing.

-- susie margaret
 
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sixoffive replied to whatisexpectedofme's response:
You are SO welcome! I hope it helps! You are doing GREAT! Be true to yourself. Everything you need is inside YOU. I know what you mean about doubting yourself when someone thinks you're wrong, but don't doubt yourself. If you are your best friend, you will find, in time, the strength from within--not from outside sources--to emerge and be the person you want to be. You're welcome to e-mail me whenever you want. I truly care about you and I have experienced many hardships in my life so I am trying to pass on the things that have helped me.
 
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whatisexpectedofme replied to susiemargaret's response:
Thank you for the WONDERFUL suggestions and how better to word them when asking my husband to go to therapy. He went once but he told me that he felt that the therapist and I were trying to put ALL the blame on him which is not so. He can be such a good and loving man when he wants to.

I have asked him this morning about some financial things and was pleasantly surprised by his response. He did not get frustrated or anything. We get to keep our home this way and he explained every detail of what and why he was doing . It may not happen everytime BUT I will take all I can get. I also took the time a little later to thank him for taking the time to explain as carefully as he did. I told him how it made things so much easier for me to understand when he did it that way.

I will work on the "loser" part of my life - but - its hard. There are things I should have done differently that would have made my life better - everyone can say that. However the problems that my choices caused were huge. I keep trying.

Please know that you are a wonderful person and if I can ever help you, please say so. I am so glad that I found this site. Know that God will have a special place for you.

XO
 
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whatisexpectedofme replied to sixoffive's response:
Thank you for all your help and support! I am glad that I have found this chat site. I appreciate all that everyone is doing. It is hard to believe that I am not a "loser" - I have been one for so long. However I am trying what you have said and be my best friend. (That would make me my only friend because I have pushed everyone else away - another thing to work on?)

Know that your time and help will not be forgotten. Know also that I believe God will have a special place for people like you.

XO
 
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sixoffive replied to whatisexpectedofme's response:
Thank you! When you are your own best friend and are being kind to yourself, you become happier and people want to be around you more. Good things will come to you. You are a winner--not a loser. You are making great strides every day. It's the moments that make life better!


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