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What has happened to me?
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maquan posted:
I remember a time being so happy and fullfilled in life! Having my children, a steady income, and being content. It seems as if overnight everything changed. When my daughter passed away over a year ago, I died with her. Not soon after her death, my steady income came to a hault-nothing. I feel now as if I am in a bottomless pit and everytime I come to the top someone/something kicks me back down to the bottom. I smile and laugh, but I am crying/screaming inside! What has happened to me? When will I see the light and love life again. I try to be strong for my son, but when he is away at school I find myself crying by myself. Medications did not work and neither did counseling. I pray everyday all day for God to help me through this period. What will become of me?
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77elizabeth responded:
Please do not give up on the medications. There are many different ones out there. It is hard to deal with a deal let along the death of your own child. You said it has been over a year but it does take time to heal. She will always be with you but you also need to take care of your self so that you can be there for your son.
I started dealing with depression about 20 years ago with the death of my brother. My daughter was in 2nd grade. She can remember coming home and me being in bed. I had nothing left in me. I did not have the energy to get out of bed. I hate that my daughter has to remember me that way. I have had to work hard to learn how to deal with my feeling. I have to remember how much i loved my brother and how much he loved my kids. Because of that I had to learn how to cope so that I could go on for them.
I went to several therapist untill I found one that really clicked with me. I wasted alot of time but I had to find the riight one so I guess it really was not a waste of time. Consider seeing a therapist. You are reaching out for help by posting here so finding the right therapist that you can open up to may help.
You will get past this. You have to work on your self so that you can be there for your son.

Hugs.
 
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onthejourney responded:
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. Grieving takes time, so if you feel like crying, let the emotions out and cry. So much of what you said I can relate to. I am grieving several things in my life right now (maybe I'll find the strength to tell my story later) and it has caused me horrible anxiety, confusion and depression when things should be great. I have 2 children, a wonderful husband, nice home, etc...but like you I'm waiting to feel happy and fulfilled again. Please be patient with yourself, and maybe try another counselor. Sometimes it takes time to find the right one. I have never been to counseling, but I'm going for the first time today and I feel like it is the first step towards helping myself. Be gentle with yourself, and try to take small steps toward feeling better. Maybe go out for a walk, or try to find beauty in some small thing. I would like to write more, but feel too overwhelmed right now. I am thinking of you.
 
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kindnesshelps responded:
Hi maquan,

It's such a devastating thing to endure the loss of a child. No one should ever have to go thru that kind of loss but they do. It's so hard to be able to get thru the grieving to start to live again.

You don't say what kind of counselling you tried. Your local Hospice(s) usually offer grief support groups, there may be others in your community, and some therapists specialize in grief and loss. I'm not suggesting you need this specialized kind of assistance, because I think any good therapist can help you get what you need to move through your pain.

I too encourage you to not give up on counselling. It often times can take some seraching to find the person you can 'click with'. I don't see the efforts as useless though, because just working and being persistant to find help for yourself can uncover fresh little pockets of energy in you you didn't know you had.

It's true that meds take time to have their effect, so persistance and patience here can also pay off.

It may be that your grief is causing your depression and will begin to ease up when your grieving becomes a journey toward healing instead of a barrier to living life once more. But what is clear to me is you do need help to get through it, and believe me when I say it will make a difference in the rest of your life. I am a nurse and used to work in Hospice, and have been a witness to many deaths and losses, including my own. It's not an easy journey for anyone, it may be the hardest thing you ever do. But it is worth the effort to get your real life back.

What may become of you is, if you take the journey through your grief, you may find you are stronger when you come out the other side, having been tempered by the journey.

You have my encouragement and support.


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