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    40 + yr old runaway....
    Nowherenow posted:
    I'm new to this on-line stuff, but feeling REALLY alone & overwhelmed, silly, angry, sad, confused, just everything right now! I'm sitting in a hotel room many miles away from home. I just couldn't ake it anymore. I'm bi-polar, was diagnosed 20+ years ago, but didn't do anything about it. Had surgery 2 yr's ago, everything went wrong, had a HUGE meltdown, and have been on med's and under Dr's care since, and have still gotten worse...Yes, the Dr. knows this and is trying new med. We, (husband of 15 + yr's, , there's one adult child from my previous marriage who lives in NYC, btw), are moving to a new home in our town, so there is stress there, and we are arguing A LOT lately, don't even know why, I also suffer from chronic pain, (not associated w/ depression, but arthritis in my back, neck, shoulder, torn rotator cuff, RSD, and degenerative disc, disease, lumber and cervical). There's just so much stuff going on and I can't seem to get through one day without feeling pushed on or poked at. So I got in my car and left! Now I don't have the energy or the desire to go home, I don't even feel like there is a home. And I'm mad at my husband, I feel like he let me down, by pushing my buttons all the time. I'm just so tired now, so sad, lost for hope. What do I do? Can't stay here, but still want to hide, better then dying, right? help....
    marktheotherone responded:
    Wow you are dealing with so much! I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. You will find a lot of caring people on this list. We all have gone through so much dealing with depression. It is not easy! I have been battling this for about 13 years now and every day is a battle, some days better some days I would just as soon fall off the face of the earth. I do know one thing that doesn't work for me and that is running and shutting everyone out. (Although I am tempted many times to run away!) Sometimes I feel like I would be better off just moving to the woods and becoming a hermit. Are you seeing anyone beside your doctor? I recently found a really good therapist that has been a godsend for me. It took quite a while to find someone I am comfortable with. Anyway, please know that there are people here who care and you can use us to help too. Please take care of yourself. (((HUGS)))
    Nowherenow replied to marktheotherone's response:
    I am seeing a therapist, but just started doing that in the last 3 weeks. I'm not a quitter by nature. I've worked REALLY hard to do everything right, both mentally and physically. I take my med's see my Dr. and Therapist regularly, stay busy w/ positive stuff, I don't drink, I read, and limit TV time. Physically, I get out of the house and try to walk once a day, do my physical therapy every week, keep goals for myself. But none of this matters! My husband constantly wants to "split hairs" about everything, my daughter and I are "estranged", I can't make a friend to save my life, I'm absolutely exhausted and can't understand why I'm working so hard to do everything right when it's all so wrong, and seems to be meant to be that way, no matter what!There's such a sense of doom, I don't just feel alone, I am alone, and this proved it, 1 reply, just 1....
    marktheotherone replied to Nowherenow's response:
    You aren't alone. There are other people on this site that care. Sometimes it takes a while for them to reply. I am so sorry that you are feeling the way you are. I can't imagine being estranged from my kids. It has to be very hard. I am here if you need to chat. I try and check this site every 1 - 2 hours during the day. I would be happy to be a friend of yours. You seem to be doing the right things to take care of yourself. Some days it doesn't seem worth the effort and those are the days that you need to put yourself first. Please take care of YOU.
    ripcmw responded:
    I apologize. I read your post but am having a bad day today and wasn't going to respond or try to offer advice to anyone because I feel like a fraud.
    Anyway, my advice is to return home to your husband. I know it seems like a never ending battle with him and with the world, but only you can change it. Running away is not the answer. I have been with my husband for 20 years and have left him 4 times. I always come back because in my heart it is not what I want. I love my husband, even though he is flawed and doesn't really understand too much about what I am going through, but he tries. I just get overwhelmed with everything that I feel like I need to get away by myself. It's not really what you want either, right. Then you need to go home, sit your husband down, and tell him exactly what is going on with you. He may not understand, but at least he can be there for you. Take him with you to your therapist and have them help explain what you go through. I know you are mad at him for letting you down, but try to think of it from his perspective, he's frustrated because he doesn't know how to help you. He's hurting because your hurting. He loves you and just wants you to be happy. I am truly sorry you are going through soooo much in your life, but take one day at a time; one minute if the day is tooo long. You will get through this as you have before. You can be strong and courageous. Don't let go of that. Find it in yourself. I hope you can do all I suggest. I give this advice as a person who also likes to flee when I just can't take it anymore. My husband threatened to line my shoes with concrete!!!! HUGS to you. Keep us posted on how your doing.
    One Day At A Time Where There is a Will, There is a Way
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Hi Nowherenow and welcome to WebMD,

    I see you're getting a lot of good support here. You may also want to post on our Bipolar Disorder community .
    Nowherenow replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Came back "home", husband says he can't go on being "judged constantly" that I cause too much stress FOR HIM, that I need to try harder. HA! Had already spoken to my Dr. and, of course he upped my Rispiridone, fine.....but that he's going away for 3 weeks and really doesn;t want to "play around with any other medications, right now".
    I get it , it's all my fault, my Dad says "suck it up, you have no where else to go, anyway, you're sick and can't hold a job and I'm too old to deal w/ it". My husband says...well I already told you. My sister says, I've ALWAYS been too much to handle and my daughter won't talk to me. There! That's where I'm at, all comfy and tucked in. Happy as a F'in lark....
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to Nowherenow's response:
    Breathe, Nowherenow, and try and tackle things just one at a time, one day at a time.

    You are feeling so overwhelmed. Again, I hope you'll also post on our Bipolar board. I hope the upping of the med helps (and it's responsible of your doctor not to do more in that regard until he returns).

    (And no, I'm not trying to get rid of you from here. I know there's a lot of understanding here too. And I totally get feeling overwhelmed. (((hugs))) )
    h1980 replied to Nowherenow's response:
    Have things calmed for you? I hope so... are you still feeling alone? Please know you are not!
    buddyr1234 responded:
    Been there done that. The right meds really do make a difference. Took me 20 years to find the right doctor and meds. Try finding out if there is a day hospital program in your area. You go every day, envolved in individual and group therapy, and see the doc. Is a great alternative to inpatient care (been there too). Just keep trying and if you dont feel that your doc is listening, find another one.
    ladybuggail replied to Nowherenow's response:
    too have depression and bipolar when my children found out because of my behavior 1 of my daughters has stopped seeing me and she has my grandchildren said if i could stay well for awhile she would think about seeing me the other daughter was always angry with me and said things nasty to hurt my feelings wihile i was sick my other daughter who i thought understood my illness was just caught saying mom is always sick just to get my attention i think all problems or major relationship problems are due to partners negative ideals about mental illness so much stigma is attached to any mental illness if the world could learn more and not label us i am not dangerous never addicted and i live in reality this stigma is the reason we have so many suicides the military is concerned about suicides but are blind to it s being related to stigma some think we are weak many would rather die than have mental illness known and sometimes when your husband needs a break from your illness let him but don t be hurt after all these years one of my daughters is smart enough to know the real truth about mental illness keep trying to find the right doctor the right medicine don t get on pain meds now after 16 hospitalizations in 10 years i am free of symptoms for a year i have tried 5 doctors 4 therapist and almost all meds i gave up and fell on my knees and told god i was going to pray non stop until i was well and he answered right away your illness takes someone strong to survive i really hope for your sake people around you realize the truth about mental illness i feel for you where you are is a horrible place to be without family support just keep on keeping on the cure is just around the corner
    Lisa12696 responded:
    Hi, I just read this letter and the best and only answer I can give you is to talk to Our Lord. I use to be an alcoholic and drug user and also was depressed. I used these things thinking that they would help. But that was only for the moment and then I had to wake up the next morning and face the same stuff all over again.I spent a decent amount of years being high and trying to find an escape and numbing myself. For alot of years I wasn't into the holy roller thing and I use to think that those people were nuts. Well after all the crap that I went thru and also having a gun to my head while being robbed, I found out that there is no high like The Most High, Jesus Christ. He will never let you down and turn your life around for good. Just talk to Him like you would talk to a friend even if it's just a few minutes a day. I can guarantee you that you'll never be sorry. At this point what do you have to lose? God bless you.
    angiebiehl responded:
    please try to get your blood work done for your vitamin D levels.......I was amazed at how many of my ills (many the same as you) were taken care of with 4000iu of Vitamin D...wish you well..angie
    Slowlygettingbetter replied to Lisa12696's response:
    Hey to everyone who has posted....Every case/person/situation is different. There are so many factors involved in just making daily decisions that sometimes it can become unbearable.
    In my case, I had to do a total house-cleaning. I started by quitting drinking. HUGE STEP for me. But it was that first little baby step towards getting both physically and psychologically "healthy". I did the 12 step program and have been sober for 4 and a half years. In regard to lisa12696, I respect the fact that you now have a relationship with your God. I, and many others, feel more comfortable using the term Higher Power.
    Yes, the correct meds can do the trick many times. However, it may take A LONG TIME for you and your Dr. to find the right combination for your body and your lifestyle as well. You are dealing with so much at the same time and it becomes very hard sometimes to even function on a basic level. Try to put one foot in front of the other and take each situation (day) as it comes. In my situation, I left my wife of 25 years and started "fresh" in a neighboring state. Divorce pending.
    Thankfully I have great contact with my kids, one of which still lives at home. I honestly think that one of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that NOBODY SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR HEAD EVERY DAY! Bi-polar, depression, the pressures of daily life, your spose, bills, work (or lack of it), medications doctors, pain and lethargy. The list could go on and on.
    Get a good therapist that you are comfortable with. If you don't feel you can tell that therapist EVERYTHING that is in your head, you have the wrong therapist. Keep searching for the right one!!! You WILL eventually find one.
    Of course, all this is never-ending. Please try to put yourself FIRST, take one step at the time, try to keep moving FORWARD, make one decision at a time, take each situation as it comes. And just like quitting drinking or drugs ONE DAY AT A TIME...I can tell you from my experience that those days DO add up and you will be amazed one day when you stop and take a look at where you are at as compared with last week, last month, or last year. (4 1/2 years for me, one day at a time.)
    One last thing...try your best not to blame yourself for where you are at in your life. Put yourself first in your recovery and keep it that way. Nothing "out there" will ever be fixed if you yourself aren't "fixed." And yes lisa12696 is correct about your connection with your higher power. Even if it's just a few minutes a day, or an hour a day, keep that connection open. Good luck.
    mbcinslc responded:
    I see so many good responses to your original post. Hope your world is better today. I've found, from dealing with this stuff for the past 20 years, that the words "One Day At A Time" are so true. Especially with bipolar and chronic pain. I'm a member of that club too. I'd advise one thing that I didn't see in the responses though. Talk to your therapist about the problems you're having with your immediate family members and see if leaving is perhaps the best solution. All the negative comments and attitudes you've listed when you've tried to relate to those people may be dragging you down even further. I don't know your situation regarding financial support or such, but there are places for people who are without it. Your counselor can advise you on that too. Best of luck and just take it easy and one day at a time. That's all you can do right now it sounds like.

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