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trying to reach out
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An_203441 posted:
[TRIGGER] Just feel like I have to share this story. I have been in a deep deep depression lately that I haven't shared with anyone except those of you on here. I took a week off work to try and pull myself together and to just relax and do things just for me. Well 2 days ago I started my day by running a hot bubble bath and climbing in to just relax and do something just for myself. It worked but just when I started to feel relaxed I thought to myself that I am at total peace right now and that this was the time for me to go. I actually picked up the razor and ran it across my skin and felt great about it. This really scared me, I immediately got out of the tub tried to busy myself for the rest of the day. I have never been suicidal before unless it was a drug side effect and I dont feel suicidal now but that thought really scared the hell out of me. I will not tell anyone close to me about this and I will not go to the hospital as I'm sure some of you will reccomend but I just had to share this and get it off my chest.
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JustAnotherGirl83 responded:
Well I would be the last person to tell you to go to the hospital... I know I should but since I have refused to go many times when I probably should have (I'm a cutter so things get messy sometimes and that is not taking any suicidal ideation in to account)... I'm just not one to talk I guess. But I do want to *hug* you and tell you that I think it is great that you were scared. To me it is a good sign. I also think it is great that you got out of the tub immediately and found things to do to keep you busy and otherwise distracted. This is really huge. Really. So good job, hun, really, way to go.

But (there always has to be a but, unfortunately )... I do hope that should you find yourself likely to act on such thoughts that you will get your butt down to emergency.

Take care.
 
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miserable_sob responded:
[TRIGGER] So why do you want to kill yourself? I can post mine straight up here:

-Nothing but failure for me after my head injury
-I hate my J Pouch, it makes life miserable for me
-Unemployed
-Sorry I wasted my time getting a bachelors degree
-Women hate short guys
-Stuck in a hell hole for years that I can't sell
-Alone
-$$$$$$$$$$$$
-Failure after failure
-Sorry I didn't let my last life threatening illness kill me like God wanted it to.
 
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NCgirl333 responded:
I too want to "hug" you online. While it is wonderful that you "caught" yourself, I don't want you to depend on that to keep you safe. Everyone on these pages has had those days when we simply think we can't go on. But as trite as it sounds, tomorrow is another day. And you never know when the next day is the one that's going to turn it all around. Hope is a hard thing to find in the dark hole of depression. But it is there. Just tell yourself, "Let's see how I feel tomorrow." ... Do you have a good therapist? Please find one. I tell mine everything. Things I could never tell another living soul. There is no judgement; just acceptance and support. Don't know what town you're in, but I'd be happy to connect off line and see if I can get my therapist to find someone good for you in your town. Please take care. And please post tomorrow and let us know how it's going. Not one of us knows each other; but we all really care. We are the only people who really know what we're all going through. As an inspiring thought, my best friend had an attempt two years ago. And thank God she didn't succeed. She started therapy -- we all dragged her there. Two years later, she has moved to a new city and is having a wonderful adventure. On that night that she tried, she couldn't see a happy future. But it was there waiting for her all along. Your future is waiting for you too. Don't miss it. XXOO
 
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An_203442 replied to miserable_sob's response:
Miserable_SOB,
I always love how you are straightforward, no b.s. great trait to have! I also saw a little bit of humor in your response which is great also. (Short guys rock!) I have absolutely no reason to kill myself except the daily grind of depression! Medications that don't work and therapists that don't work. I am just really stuck at a low right now and its getting worse daily. I can't speak to my husband about it and i'll tell you why. My husband's best friend suffers from depression and every time he tries to reach out to my husband his response is "Jesus Christ here we go again". Not very encouraging for me. My husband also doubts his friends feelings when he is in depression he thinks he is just trying to get attention. I on the other hand am trying not to bring attention to myself I am so ashamed of this disease! Well another day of stress and crying for me just to try and make it through another sucky day.
 
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An_203443 replied to NCgirl333's response:
NCgirl333,
Been there done that on the therapy front many times in fact too many times. It just never seems to take hold or to last. I just feel like such a liar to everyone all the time. I cant speak to anyone offline about my true feelings and it's very lonely. I feel like just bolting. I just want to get in my car and roll.It wont solve anything but it feels like some kind of an escape. It's just a real low time for me and don't get me wrong I have my good days and I try to live them to the fullest. I love a good day! Right now I am just real uncomfortable with my almost dead calm that I feel about everything. Oh well just another day with depression!
 
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miserable_sob replied to An_203442's response:
Anon you have a good idea of why I'm depressed and feel hopeless or welcome any kind of help or death. From what you tell me though, my only guess is something about your husband gets you down or basically his cold attitude. But I don't know exactly what's getting you or your husband's friend down. I can't really start judging your husband because of that too. At least you've got some significant other. While I'm stuck alone with no real hope. I don't even have a dog. I hate the town I live in. I was born here and feel imprisoned by this cold, corrupt, place. It's just a continued miserable existence, and at this my point, I'm even depressed by the selfish attitude I've seen by psychologists I've contacted. You can put them down on my list as one more reason I'm very depressed.
 
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bamstanley replied to miserable_sob's response:
Miserable_SOB,
Let me fill you in a little about my husband. I had a real hard time 2 years a go and tried to find some place to go and try and work out my own demons in my head. I went to a center to ask about their program and endeed up commited against my will. You know how they have their buzz words or thoughts and right away you are no longer safe in society. So my husband fought (with an attorney) to get me released and was successful. Since then the whole depression issue has been off limits in any conversation that we have really. He's afraid that I will be committed and not be able to contribute financially to our household, material things are very important to him. So that leaves me untreated and feeling like a freak or an embarrassement to him. Let me just add that the reason I was committed was that my husband had guns in our house and the staff felt that I was unsafe around them even though they were locked up in a safe that I dont know the combination to.I too have grown up here and feel the same about my town I hate it. I have never found that trusting warm and fuzzy feeling about any therapist or doctor and am afraid I never will. I feel like they all have their agenda to follow and don't deviate from that at all. Just felt like I needed to explain myself a little further so maybe you can understand where I am coming from a little better.
 
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miserable_sob replied to bamstanley's response:
Bamstanley, I understand your feelings about putting only so much trust in therapists. The last therapists I was working with gave me the feeling I was walking on thin ice while talking to her. I could only go so far with discussing how I really felt because she did mention her professional responsibilities all the time. And that was just her friendly way of threatening to institutionalize me. If I believed that would do me any good I'd have no problem with the idea. I know it works against me though and feels wasteful confining to me. What it all boils down to is punishment for sharing my real thoughts. Although they'll be more than happy to suggest they're helping, not punishing you. Well if that's the case why am I still miserable and stuck with the same problems too? I even went with their suggestions of sticking unwanted chemicals down my throat. All that's ever done to me is get me more depressed or make me feel anything but natural. I'm still asking myself now, what can I do? I feel so miserable and hopeless, stuck alone, ill with no future.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
It sounds like the calm was lovely and enticing.

The thing is, though, you can get that calm again without taking the step you're contemplating. You found it in the bath, you can find it again and find it in other places.

You need to tell someone how you are feeling. Isolating yourself in your world by not letting others in is not helping you. It is self-defeating. Tell someone. Tell as many someones as you need to until someone hears what you are saying. And keep telling. Isolation (physical or otherwise) is our own worst enemy when we are depressed.

And if you need help keeping yourself safe, please call a crisis line .
 
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miserable_sob replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Caprice, it's not as simple as you say, especially when it comes to psychologists who must make a habit out of saying "no" to next day suicide victims.

While last year I was telling a so called friend of mine on the phone how depressed I am, the next thing I hear is "well I got to go" followed by a click/disconnected.


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