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    wife depression
    offshoreman1972 posted:
    well i my wife seems to be in better sprit away from home. at home she just there and sometimes she seems mad. I sometimes think she may be angry with me do to my travels for work. and she is always looking for ways to get rid of the kiddo's or go do something away from the house. can anyone help me see through this.
    kathycornflakes responded:
    I am not sure exactly why your wife may seem angry at home, but for me I know that it can be tough to be home all of the time with the kids. Does she work? I don't and my husband travels a lot for work too (military). I like to get out if/when I can just to get a break, change of pace, etc. You should try to talk to her in an non-confrontational way- ask if you can help in some way when you are home. Not sure how old your kids are- but offer to take them somewhere for special Daddy time, so she can get a breather. Is your wife in therapy or anything?
    offshoreman1972 replied to kathycornflakes's response:
    she just got out of the hospital. and i have been taking care of the kiddos too. she going to all different support groups, PHP, bible studies and i have not traveled in three month. she is just there, like tonite we get home and she wanted to leave to the book store after she stated she wanted some her and me time. its like all about her and nobody else.
    kathycornflakes replied to offshoreman1972's response:
    sorry, did not know all of that background info. Hmmm... I don't know- will she talk to you if you ask her if everything is ok? Do you think she would go to counseling with you? I am so sorry this is happening.
    offshoreman1972 replied to kathycornflakes's response:
    last nite i told her to try harder. and yes she is at the hospital all day from 9 to 3 to learn coping skills and soforth. she will be starting her 2nd week of it. it just seems she is more worried about her than anybody else.
    ffltat replied to offshoreman1972's response:
    Hello Offshoreman1972,

    Eight weeks ago I was in the hospital as an in patiant and then did 3 weeks of outpatiant therapy at the hospital. The depression sucked the life out of me. As I have been getting better it has been all about me. All my life I have given to everyone else. Taken care of them, put their needs and emotions in front of my own. Sacraficed constantly for them. I am angry that I have given so much to everyone else and given nothing to myself. I am angry because I was taught that giving anything to me was selfish. But the fact is that after all of these years of giving to others, I have nothing left for anyone includng me.

    So now I am taking care of me. I am putting me to the front of the line. I have to in order to have anything to give to the people that I love and have taken care of for so long. I want to give to them. But right now I am recharging so that I can.

    Please do not be angry with her. She is trying to get better so that she can give to you again. It is a hard and long process. My story does not start eight weeks ago but three years ago. She needs your love, support, patants, and understanding. She needs you to listen, hold her, tell her that she is special, that she means everything to you, that it is ok to cry, that it is ok to take time for her, and that you love her. To tell her to try harder....well that will really piss her off. It pisses me of and I do not know you. I have had people tell me that. My husband keeps saying that he just wants to see me smile again. He keeps wanting to fix the problems and is just learning that he can't. that when he trys to fix it that just makes me mad.

    I know that this is hard for you. I know that what your wife is going through is painful for you to whatch, knowing that there is nothing that you can do to help her. It is a horrible feeling to feel helpless. But you are not. she needs your strength, your love, your understanding. For you to be able to hold her when she crys for no reason. When she opens up to you she needs you just to be there for her.

    Be there for her......if you love her, be there for her and understand it takes time to heal.
    larsstarscanary responded:
    If she just came out of the hospital, she doesn't feel well at all. I know, because I've been there. I'm assuming she is depressed--Depression is an awful illness.

    I agree with ffltat --If you told me to try harder, I would feel anger towards you, too--You don't know what it's like. Could you try harder to understand her and her illness? Could you ask her how you could help her? Could you truly listen to her and see things from her standpoint/viewpoint?

    I, too, am one who was always there for everyone else but me. People get too comfortable, thinking that I should always be there for them--Everyone wants a free ride. Well, illness changes the entire scheme of things. What little I have left, if any, goes to me.

    If she has depression and she's taking care of the kids, I can see why she wants breaks from them and the house. She probably needs a break from the continuous responsibility she has, and a break from the same "scenery" all day long, every day. Being sick and depressed makes things so difficult.

    Now that you are home and not traveling, could you take care of the kids and not leave it to her? Could you do the cooking, cleaning (including the bathroom), mopping, vacuuming, laundry, grocery shopping, shopping for clothing and school supplies, ironing, dishes, pots and pans, homework, nurturing, etc, ad infinitum?

    I think what would help you through this is to help her.
    offshoreman1972 replied to larsstarscanary's response:
    she does take breaks. she not talking or using any coping skills and journaling when she is home. i am studing and studing about major depression. i am doing most of the home duty but the kids are 7 and 3 yrs old. that is what makes it hard here. i do help her a lot and sometimes she rejects me or say not so nice comments and bad body vibes. but she is getting better each day as times goes. i only want her to try harder for the kids is that a lot to ask.

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