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    Dark Feelings (New to community)
    OtterBob posted:
    I'm a 25 year old male who's been diagnosed with depression before, going to a councilor and taking Pristiq which didn't work (it just messed up my personality more). I felt better after the event but seem to be relapsing. I've had this now and again since I was a teenager (I guess I could point to bullying, school advancement issues and my close father's death as possible triggers).

    Recently I've read how my continuing dark thoughts aren't normal. Sometimes I'll think about the end of the world or harm coming to relatives, loved ones or really anybody creating a deep sense of dread within me (makes it so I really hate horror movies). In addition I find myself periodically thinking about harming myself which after events when I was younger is frightening me.

    Lastly since I've been a teenager I prefer absolutely to be alone and have fought feelings of not liking people. I definitely don't wish to harm anyone but just prefer to be left alone. My feelings have made me extremely cynical towards society and fighting back senses that most people don't like me. Its lead me to find solace in nostalgia where I don't have to worry about every little thing in my future.

    I just feel burnt out at this point and my high blood pressure is indicating something isn't right worrying and feeling dark all the time. Not sure what I should do now. Afraid I might have depression again but not sure if all these thoughts mean something else. Thanks for your help
    An_203817 responded:
    Don't warry, please
    runamok76 responded:
    Hi OtterBob

    Just wanted to let you know you are not alone, you could have been describing me. Reading others posts and the tips and articles on here have really helped me. And don't give up on the meds try something else.

    Do you journal or have some other way to express yourself?
    Do you have someone to talk to?
    Do you exercise? I read yoga's good for depression.

    I also read meditation is great, they say negative thoughts is what feeds depression so I guess if you can train your brain to just stop and be still, maybe we can starve the depression. I've been trying it but I have not been able to be consistent. Hope to hear from you soon.
    susiemargaret responded:
    hello, O --

    i am so sorry you've been feeling so terrible; i can tell you are scared, and i would be scared too.

    let me make one suggestion before i say anything else. i know you are having dark thoughts, but they are not your real self speaking; they are (what i suspect is) your depression talking. however, they can confuse you and lead you to ideas that would never normally enter your mind.

    if you feel as if you are getting out of control, please call a crisis line, . in fact, why don't you go there now and print out several copies, then keep one in every room in your house, including your bathroom, and in your wallet; that way you can find it easily if you need to. if talking with someone on a crisis line doesn't help enough, please, please go to an ER; if someone can't drive you, then call 911 or the police if you have to.

    actually i'm not surprised that you want to be alone most of the time; i expect that your fears of other people spill over into every interaction you have with anyone else, and your cynicism is also a reflection of that. your reluctance to be with others and your paranoia about how others feel about you are two sides of the same coin and are self-reinforcing.

    i think the first thing to do is to visit with a counselor and talk about these feelings. maybe it is your depression coming back (this is my prediction), maybe it is not. either way, it will help for you to talk about what your thoughts are and perhaps get some advice on how to proceed from here.

    i also think that it may be too soon to give up on antidepressants; there are zillions out there, of all sorts of chemical classes, and having a psychiatrist assess you in this regard might help (and i say "psychiatrist" because they usually know far more about psych meds than other drs do).

    i hope that your spirits will improve soon. please keep us posted on how you are doing.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.

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