Depression Community

you're not alone. I am 31 and have no idea who I am or what I want out of life. I exist. And I exist only b/c of my children and I take my medication reguarly to help me deal with it all. I don't have a reason to be depressed either! I have a pretty good life when I think about it. But the horrible thoughts, the fear of social situations, the intense anger, insomnia, anorexia, and overwhelming sadness have left me lonely and not fun to be around. Sorry- this is not helping you at all! You say you are on meds, have you tried theapy? My poor husband walks on eggshells b/c he does not know how I will be when he gets home from work. He wants to "fix" the situation too. It is hard to explain to a spouce why you feel the way you do. And that there is nothing they can really do to fix it. (I think that is a man thing!) Maybe your husband could read some information about depression and learn that this is not something that can turn around overnight. As long as he stays supportive and you continue to work on getting better and finding yourself, things should turn around for you at some point. (I will do the same)

No, you are not the only one! I also feel lost. I am 47 and do not know who I am. My therapist has been helping me figure out how to find myself but it takes a long time. Keep working on it. I feel some improvement and hope to have success.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and I have no close friends. I have some reasons to be depressed and am working on dealing with what I can. But I am in an unhappy marriage that has only gotten worse. Going to therapy has helped me realize that my needs have not been met, I've been told that I married an emotional child. I'm at a point in my life where I can't deal anymore. I've been on medication for 14 years and have tried many different meds and combinations. I came to doubt myself and decisions I made. Came to feel as though I have nothing to offer friends. I feel isolated everywhere. I feel as though I have no one to talk to. There must be something seriously wrong with me. I have overwhelming feelings of sadness and lonliness. I want out of this life, but will never leave my kids. They keep me here.

no you aren't. im 19 years old and i thought i knew about myself six months ago. im not on any medication and i cant see a therapist because if my parents knew i was depressed they'd make me come home from school. if you are on all of those medications and are not exhibiting better feeling or behavior then i dont think youre depressed. psychology is such a huge area and even if eight different people were to psychoanalyze you they all wouldnt come up with the same answer. i personally think you should try and see a therapist. i know that if i could i most certainly would. the only person in the world who can make you happy is YOU. it is a choice. its more easily said than done and i myself need to take my own advice. but you have a husband and if he knows that youre upset and says he wants to fix you that must mean that he does care and loves you. sometimes medicine isnt the cure. you have to look at the better things in life even though it really is so hard. you need to be happy that youre young, you have a husband who cares, and you have your whole life ahead of you! it is so easy to be sad and negative and it is so easy to say you dont know who you are but dont we determine who we are? you can be whoever you want to be and you have so much time to do it. i feel forever lost as well but i do see that i dont want to and refuse to live my life this way and you should too. do what makes YOU happy. every single day. i know that you can overcome this and i will pray everyday for you.

hello, orchid --

by "school," do you mean that you are in college? most colleges have a student health center with therapists and drs available for free or at minimal cost. i think they have to keep confidentiality; at the very least, you could ask before you say anything. have you thought of checking that out?

-- susie margaret

hello again, orchid --

i've responded to your post in more detail at http://forums.webmd.com/3/depression-exchange/forum/6441?@guest .

-- susie margaret

Anon.....
You are by no means alone. I have experienced two major depressive episodes and further my depression is deemed "treatment resistant" as I have always had a poor response to medication. I eventually had ECT during the second episode and that helped tremendously! I remember in both cases during and while in depression hangover mode I felt a sense of not having a clue of who I was! Before I thought I had it all figured out and it is literally like the depression stripped me of me! Some say the side effects of some of the meds is a disconnected feeling or you still may be depressed. I would recommend you work closely with your doctor, do a lot of journaling (even if only the bad comes out), and find a therapist you can trust! You may have to interview several but one of the keys to success in therapy is the relationship you have with your therapist.

I further did a lot of drawing and painting of my emotions, turned out to be very Rothko-esk..... I did a lot of journaling and sought out some literature on self discovery...... I know that self help may turn some off but it helped me immensley with issues from my childhood. I worked on patterns of co-dependency and counter co-dependency.

One last thing, take care of yourself and set goals! Get excercise even when it is the last thing you feel like doing. Decrease stress and eat well.

I wish you the best of luck. Take care of you and you will find you before you know it! It will take time but I know you can do it! Take care and best wishes to you and your husband.

This is a product of depression but you are still you. Depression causes moody behavior often and poor thought. Understand that you have no reason not to be happy with yourself in general but maybe you have some things to face, such as that your thoughts about things don't have to be right, and are effected by depression. Remember depression is not impossible to overcome. If you didn't read a book and thought you never could learn to read then you would think it was near impossible for you, but with time you get used to it.

Although I'm sorry for what you and others that have replied are going through, it does feel good to know I'm not alone. I'm also 26, and have been battling depression my whole adult life. After years of trying to avoid medication, I'm finally on antidepressants, but it still hasn't taken away my sadness, lonliness, loss of interest, and anxiety. And now I'm lost. I've forgotten what I've wanted out of life, and completely lost touch with my dreams. I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly.

I'm trying to dig myself out of this hole with journaling, self-help books, and trying to change or eliminate the negative things in my life. I should probably find a therapist, too. I know it's SO exhausting to be consumed by depression every day - but you/we are young dammit!

Dig deep, find your hope again, and I'll do the same. We can't just give in. I think the answer to who you are will come a day at a time once you learn to overcome your grief. Hang in there lady - you can do it.

I know how you feel it happened the same way for me it just progressivly got worse and worse. I just started on meds a few days ago. I'm hoping this works also getting therapy. But I know its a process and it takes time. So I'm trying to be patient and stay hopeful.

fightingB, how longago did you have ECT? how many rounds did you have? did you have memory loss? did it help only short term? i'm trying to decided if it is right for me but the memory loss scares me. thanks

vrydprsd, I have had 4 episodes of ECT treatments. Over 4 years. when medication just isn't helping ECT can really jump start your body and your brain back to working. You should have a series of 9-12 treatments for it to work well. Yes you do have some short term memory loss but after awhile it comes back. After my treatments and when I was capable of going back to work it took me a few weeks to remember some names and some things I did in the office, but it all came back to me. I do take medication now but if I ever had to if things got that bad again I would do it all over again.

There is something new out now that my therapist is trying to get me to do. It is called TMS. Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.
It's not a hospital procedure, it's in your own Psychologists office if they are certified to use it. You sit in a chair with magnets on your temples then a helment is put on your head and it is turned on. You feel nothing. It lasts 30-35 minutes then you get up and walk away no effects at all, no memory loss etc. Only thing is you need to devote 4-5 days a week to have it done for 4-6 weeks. It can be costly. Insurance dosent like to pay for it, but you just have to work them and prove to them that it can help you. There are even attorny's out there fighting for us who use it. Look it up and read about it.

Good Luck.
Jayne

I am sorry that anyone ever has to feel the way you do. I am right there. The other posts are generous however; what is missing is the undestanding that you may not even be able to so anything for yourself even though you know you should. I fing myself paralyzed from my feelings. So all the tips are good but how does one even get to where they can start doing them.
It is nice to hear you have someone in your life that wants to make it better even though he might not understand and that might make it worse for you as it adds guilt that you cannot perform this task. I have a husband that does nothing but put me down about my state and DV is what got me here. I lost my job over it, lost all my friends over it, and then have a husband that constantly is dishing out mental torture to add daily to the problem. Yes, he shouldbe gone but the only way to keep a roof over my head now is to put up with him until I can find the strength to get back on my feet. I have been diagnosed with a couple of debilitating diseases since all this. One day, I was a strong independent woman that owned her home, having savings and retirement, and a great, stable job with good health. The next day, I woke up and it was all gone. I do not know what to tell you to help as I am right there with you. I hope for both of us, life will hand us something that will start the process of recovery and can continue to spur us until we are twice the person we were before it all started.

Hi:) Sorry for such a delayed reply.... I started therapy, and it helped alot for me to set boundaries. That was an area that I lacked, which fed into my anxiety and depression. You see, my father isn't a nice man, and recently wrote me a letter telling me to be 100% in his life or get out. He had his wife write it. It broke my heart at first, but I realized that my mom protected me from him when I was a little girl and adolescent. Now it is my turn to ptotect myself(my heart) with boundaries of how I let people treat me and situations I put myself in. I struggle every single day with depression, over whelming thoughts, and anxiety, but I keep telling myself that I really want a child. I have to get better , because until I am better, I can't give "me" to someone else. My future child deserves the best of me, not the unstable side. So I will continue on my meds, journaling as best as I do, books, therapy, and starting physical therapy, like yoga.

You are right, we are so young, and it is exhausting.....but "this too shall pass". I put the Prayer of Serenity beside my bed, and every where...I recite when I feel a panic attack coming on. It may not be what you run to, but this is what I run to:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."