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Please help - trigger
pizzacakes17 posted:
[TRIGGER] I'm having a really rough time right now so I am writing on here. I'm just balling in tears right now because life just hurts so much right now. Basically for the past 8 years I watched both of my parents die from cancer, slow painful deaths. Those give me enough issues. My mom died in march and my husband left me a week before thanksgiving. A week or 2 ago I was in the hospital for attempted suicide. I just can't deal with all of this right now. Now my husband says he wants to come back but then every day it's like a different story and people are telling me all of this other stuff that makes me think otherwise. And he says to give him space so he can spend time with his family. Well not to be selfish but what about me? He left me while I was sleeping and notified me by text, a week before thanksgiving, the first thanksgiving without either of my parents, when thanksgiving was my mom's holiday. Now I am just alone in my apartment with all of these stupid tv stuff about christmas and i don't mean to sound like a grinch but i hate it. It hurts so much and I just can't take it. I started drinking to numb the pain. Not good, especially since I'm diabetic. I don't know just haveing a really hard time right now and i don't know what to do.
wylee21 responded:
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
life can be such a mess, and then you look
around and see all the people that seem
to have a wonderful life and everything
seems so unfair and then you feel worse.
I don't know what to tell you. I haven't found
anything to help myself yet. I think talking
to other people is a good thing to do.
unfortunately I don't know many people
that I can talk to. maybe you do?
talk to friends, sister, brother, minister,
and talk about anything, it doesn't have to
be about your situation. just talking is very good.
it distracts you for the moment. and life is
made up of moments. God bless you.
missingyou123 responded:
Hey Trigger, sorry about your mom and dad. I just lost my dad last year and I haven't been able to stop crying. We were so very close and it hurts so very bad not to have him anymore. I also just lost my best friend of 19 yrs. Her name was sasha. She was a cat but she was part of the family. I agree with you about xmass. I don't want to deal either. I am so depressed I want to take all of my pills and go to sleep. I was abused by an uncle from the age of 3 to 10. I have been on meds for a long time. I have been in the hospital 3 times. 1 time I was put in by my parents the other 2 times I went by myself. If I didn't I would not be here today. I was so messed up on drugs. I was in for a month. They help you withdraw and then they have classes on depression. Whatever your needs they will help you until you are ready to go. I have been diagnosed with kidney disease, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, high cholesteral and low blood pressure. I am on 11 meds for depression and other health issues. I want to just die. I am sick all the time. I wish I could drink but I pewk when I do. I am a grinch too! I hurt so bad, especially this time of year. I too am having a hard time. I can't eat or sleep. I can't work hell I don't even go out except to go to the dr's. My family lives in Va. and I live in Ma. I miss them. I moved to Va. to see my dad while he was sick. Then one night the emt's came and gave him cpr and I can't get that sight out of my mind. He died and I haven't been the same. I am so depressed. My Bi-Polar is really hell. I also have Disosiative Identity Disorder and OCD. Needless to say life doesn't seem worth living. But I don't know why I am hanging in there. Well you try to take care.
susiemargaret responded:
hello, P --

this is the absolute worst time of the year for those of us who suffer from depression. all of that forced gaiety, all of that emphasis on "family" when very few families that i know are all that happy with each other, all that blaring music permeating the air. every year i wish i could somehow be put in a state of suspended animation between nov 15 and jan 15!

here is how i have learned to get thru this -- one deep breath at a time and one day at a time. i know, i know, easy enough to say. but if i tried to do otherwise, i would collapse under the emotional weight of heartache and despair. sometimes i have to tell myself, OK, let's get thru the next five mins, at the end of that time i try to get thru the five mins after that, or even the one min after that.

please don't keep drinking. for one thing, it doesn't dull the pain except for the shortest period, and for a second thing, it brings its own problems. now, in addition to crying over what you are genuinely entitled to be in despair about, you have to worry about not being able to do your job, not being able to keep up with your personal obligations, not being able to get up every day and eat something. these things are hard enough to do when you feel bad (as your own hospitalization proves), but adding the drinking makes them even more painful.

i don't know what to say about your husband; from following your other posts, he sounds like a complete jerk, irresponsible in the extreme and heartless besides. if he wants to come back so bad, why doesn't he? it is not selfish to expect your very own husband to anticipate that his timing would have a disastrous effect on you; it is a perfectly reasonable expectation that anyone would have. except an unreasonable person, of course, one with a rock for a heart.

let me make two suggestions in terms of avoiding all the christmas hullaballoo -- one small and that you will probably think is silly until you try it, and the second more of a production. the first one is to turn off the volume on your TV and just watch with captions. it takes a little bit of adjustment to get used to it, but it definitely has benefits. (i did this because i am so hard of hearing that i had to turn up the TV so loud that nobody could watch it with me.)

benefit no. 1 -- no screaming laugh tracks on programs. benefit no. 2 -- no screaming commercials, which -- despite what the TV people say -- are louder than the programs. but, most important, benefit no. 3 -- you don't have to listen to all that christmas music in every ad, all that ho-ho-ho-ing in every ad, all those bells and horrible songs in every ad. i can tell you from personal experience that your blood pressure will immediately go down and that your mood, even if it doesn't get better, at least won't get any worse.

my second suggestion is to get away from wherever you live, at least for christmas eve and christmas day. this depends on money, i know, which may be a problem. if so, just try to do something that gets you out of the house -- seeing a movie, taking a walk, whatever; one year, a girlfriend and i went out to dinner at a thai restaurant (you have to think of people who are probably not christian to come up with a place to go to eat!).

but i'm actually talking about physically going away, like to another town or even your town, and not staying in a cheap, junky place (the no-tell motel) but a place where you like sitting in the lobby and reading and watching the people, with whom you do not have to be "social" unless you want to. mid-price places like the comfort inn, which are quite nice these days, are good for this.

well, i don't know if this helped, but i can say that it is possible to get thru this, you just have to do things very slowly and not try to do very many of them at once. i send you many little treasures from my heart to give you what solace they can, and i hope you will keep writing to us.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
pizzacakes17 replied to susiemargaret's response:
Thanks for all of the suggestions. For the moment, my husband is coming back Thursday. I don't really know what to think or how it will be so I am getting out of town for a few days so we can really just talk and see if there's anything worth salvaging. I would do that where I live but I live in an apartment where the walls are paper thin and have a screaming bird which creates stress enough on it's own. I think it would be good for me to get away as well for me because I haven't left since my mom died. And every night I sleep here, even though it's in a different environment I close my eyes and I just see her laying there lifeless and then trying to do cpr and it failing. I am going to stay at a vacation house where I don't have to watch tv if I don't want to, which would be good to get away from all of the holiday stuff I think. I tried to sleep with the tv off last night but just wasn't ready yet, the silence was too much. Well anyways, I have to go pack but I wanted to say thank you for the suggestions. I will think about going away for xmas. My aunt has this big production on xmas eve but I could always go for an hour and leave too or just say I am sick lol. Anyways, hope you all have a better looking holiday then it seems to be. I am sorry some of you are having a hard time as well.
susiemargaret replied to pizzacakes17's response:
hello, P --

i think that going away to talk about things with your husband is a good idea. it will give you a place where you do not have to deal with all of the day-to-day distractions that usually plague us.

my sister often has a "production" dinner on christmas eve. i always go because i love her very much, but when i get tired and crabby because of the stress, i tell everyone how great it was to see them but that i have to go. fortunately, my sister knows me very well and understands that i can only handle a limited amt emotionally.

i hope that everything works out in a way that you can be at peace with.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.

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