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    Very angry at everyone
    An_203928 posted:
    [TRIGGER] I tried to get help for my suicidal thoughts and ended up with even more... I have now lost my job, and therefore my insurance. Now there is no more therapy.. which wasn't helping. No more meds.. which wasn't helping... My husband doesn't trust me anymore and my kids are showing the signs of major stress. So now what... I am angry and down so low. I don't think I can come back up. I can fake it for everyone, but its not going to last. I don't have the energy anymore. I don't have the will to wake up and move everyday. I barely get my kids up and going for school and when they come home I don't want to be around them. I hurt them too much by not being all "there" for them. I used to sing. I used to write. I used to do so much, now the energy and the will is gone. And that used to be so much of my life, to sing to my kids. I can barely write this through the tears. I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to. I am alone in all of this inside.
    And I know this will be glossed over by everyone, and thats fine, I'm used to it. I just needed to get some of this out. One way or another. Maybe to feel a little better for a little while.
    ednaroberts1978 responded:

    It sounds like you are in a very low spot. I can honestly understand how you feel as I'm there as well. I will not gloss anything over. This is a bad place to be, and not one in which we asked to be put in. I'm with you on the being frustrated because you no longer have the energy to pretend everything is "OK". I don't either. I also know how bad it feels to not want to be around your kids when they are home from school, I'm all the time sending mine to their room because they are being kids and making noise. I don't want to hear it. Every sound seems to grate on my nerves. It does make a mother feel horrible to know that the kids are suffering because we can't be there for them the way we want to be or used to be.

    I considered myself at one point to be "super mom". I was President of the PTA, I volunteered once a week in my children's classroom, I was invovled in their homework, I participated in their lives. Now I barely go to school except to drop them off and pick them up. It's not something I'm proud of and I'm working daily to find something that works and will help me be me again.

    I guess the best I can tell you is not to give up hope, your kids still need their mom and you need to fight to get back. It may not be the way it was before depression, but it's better than nothing. Take Care and keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

    susiemargaret responded:
    hello, A323 --

    i won't gloss over anything, either. i know how desperate and scared you feel.

    i know you said you lost your job and therefore your insurance. i want to encourage you to try one more time with counseling and possibly psych meds (which you should be getting thru a psychiatrist, because they usually know far more about psych meds than other drs do).

    here are some resources for finding free/low-cost medical care, including counseling. you may have to start with a primary-care dr, but then you can ask for a referral to a counselor and/or psychiatrist. don't try to tackle all of these at once; you'll get overwhelmed. pick one or two, see what they say, then go to a couple more.

    -- check out these websites -- , , , , , , , , and ;

    -- check out this website -- , be sure to click on both national and state organizations;

    -- check out the website for the "live united" campaign of the united way -- -- and use the "search our site" box at the right in the second blue ribbon to do a "search" for your city or state to find medical care programs in your area;

    -- call your city, county, or state dept of health and dept of family services (or something that sounds equivalent), and ask if there are free or low-cost clinics in your area;

    -- go to the website for your state government, e.g., http:// , and click on every social services link you can find;

    -- look for free or low-cost clinics at nearby medical schools, divinity schools, large hospitals, and university graduate programs in nursing, social work, or psychology; often students who are close to graduation provide health care under the close supervision of their instructors;

    -- see if any hospitals near you have a social worker; often they have very extensive knowledge of their own and other hospital and community resources;

    -- call the legal aid office to see if they know of programs for free or low-cost medical care;

    -- check with churches, synagogues, and mosques to see if they have someone who does counseling; with many of these, you do not have to be a member, their only concern is that you are a person in need; and

    -- check out these websites to determine your eligibility for various govt assistance programs -- , , and .

    once you get established with someone, i also have a list of resources for getting free/low-cost meds, and if you will write again, i will send it to you (too bulky to send it along with this post).

    i hope this helps.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    susiemargaret responded:
    hello again, A323 --

    i forgot to add one thing. you said you had suicidal thoughts, and that concerns me a lot. if you feel close to being out of control, call a crisis line, , and talk with someone there. in fact, why don't you print out that list right now, then keep copies in every room in your house, in every bathroom, and in your purse. that way you can find it easily if you need to.

    if talking with someone on a crisis line doesn't help, please, please go to the ER. if you don't have anyone to drive you, call 911 or the police if you have to.

    i send you caring thoughts and hope that you will keep us posted on how you are doing.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    marysings responded:
    I love the time and energy susiemargaret puts into her posts. I can't possibly give you all that information but I will write something else.

    Your depression wears on you, doesn't it? I know because I've been there. I've been on the brink of death. I've been in that deepest pit in the darkness and cold. I lost my job after 25 plus years of employment. I've not had any energy and my house is not clean anymore. I try to keep the clutter down but nothing works for that, either. I used to sing in a trio but after my first suicide attempt, I was told that it was hypicritical to sing about God's love when I tried to "play God" and kill myself.

    That's just the tip of what I could write but what I want you to do is realize that you are not alone in your battle with depression. Keep posting and we'll try to help you. This community is wonderful.

    susiemargaret replied to marysings's response:
    hello, mary --

    thank you very much!

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    An_203929 replied to susiemargaret's response:
    [TRIGGER] I sat in my bathroom last night with several bottles of pills in hand. I don't know what made me put them back in the cabinet, but I did. I told my husband, who told me I was a bad mother for trying to leave my kids this way. I believe he is right. But I see no other way out sometimes. I want to see the brighter side of life, but it is beyond me. Tomorrow I will look into some of the resources you offered. Thank you for listening to me when no one else will
    An_203930 replied to marysings's response:
    As I have said to susie, I thank you for listening to me rant and rave. yes, the depression wears on me. I feel like a huge rock is on my shoulders that i have to carry all day long. I only feel free when i sleep at night. again .. thank you for listening to me
    puttinupafight responded:
    Those of us who have been there fully understand and are not going to gloss it over here. You may feel the need to put on that happy face to others in your life, but this is a place you can come, be honest, be listened to, be understood by the majority of us. I'd like you to persevere in your fight because I'm living proof we do come out on the other end. I was where you are once in my life back (referring to suicidal thoughts when the darkness and pain were too intense). It took time but I eventually got treatment that worked, the pain went away and I slowly got my life back. I was even anti-depressant free for a decade (though I had another spell about 7 yrs back that was also successfully treated). I'm now med-free and here to give hope. Persevere and believe. I have children and am glad I stuck it out and am here to enjoy them today.
    runamok76 responded:
    Don't give up, it gets better. It might take awhile but one day you'll wake up and think wow I was really down back there.
    lostinmyownthoughts replied to susiemargaret's response:
    I just want everyone to know meds arn't always the answer! I was on cymbalta. I got off it and suffered such bad side effects, withdrawls. Dr. doesn't tell you about the side effects when trying to get off the meds. Well now I'm misserable!! Angery, eritable, no energy at all. Don't want anyone to talk to me, or touch me!! I hate everything going on around me. I don't want to get out of bed. And so sad, and emotional... I don't know what to do about it now.... How do you fix the problems your having now???? Hell...
    lostinmyownthoughts replied to An_203929's response:
    Your NOT alone!! I feel the same way sometimes, but the sad thing is once you do it... death is final, I'm hopeing there is something else ahead.. a mircale.. I pray everyday..
    SadCyndi replied to lostinmyownthoughts's response:
    Hello Everyone,as I sit here reading different post,I realize I am not alone,I am 48,I have had so many bad relationship,I also am going through menopause,and depressed,I hate life,I don't want to get out of bed any more,I lost my job last yr,I have no job,no money,no place of my own,and no could it get any worst........well it did after 30 yrs I meet back up with this great man,who I liked in HS and he like me....its my little joke It took 30 yrs to get that date and less than 30 days to lose him,because of everything I was going through I said some things took thing the wrong way so he stopped calling now he has a new GF and it just breaks my heart that she is there and I am not.....I am a loser.....I really don't blame him,I hate myself right can I expect some one to like me we I don't like myself. I an so sick of trying to be happy around others....I need help so bad...and yes I have thought of killing myself,but I know that is wrong,a sin.....I am so sad all the time,I used to smile all the time,I have gained over 60 lbs,and that just makes me hate myself more....I pray every day that God help me out of this...
    Thanks for reading sadcyndi.....
    ineed2smileagain replied to SadCyndi's response:
    I know exactly what you're going through, you pretty much related my life to the letter, maybe we can be friends and help each other out of this darkness. I'm Colene and I'm a great listener, write me SadCyndi, maybe together we can find a solution.

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