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Can't stop crying!
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Jayne4694 posted:
I;m here another day but another bad day. I called my husband at work crying and told him I can't do it anymore. Told him my bad day while crying and telling him I can't do it anymore. I said this has been going on since July 2010. I'm tired of the pain and suffering. Tired of the depression and can't get out of bed. Tired of people walking all over me. Tired of people abusing me. I'm at the end of my rope. I did have an appt. with my therapist but she had to cancel until next tuesday. Don't know if I can wait that long. Because of the way I'm feeling my abusive past is coming back to me. Oh god I just can't do it anymore. I'm sure others out there have gotten to my point. I can't crawl out of the deep hole, instead it's sucking me in.

I just took some pain medication. Hopefully it will help with my pain and hopefully it will put me to sleep. It says take one every 4 hours as needed but I've been taking 2 every 4 hours as needed the last few days. I think that is all that's getting me through because it numbs me for a short while.

My husband will be gone this weekend and I will be alone. That's not usually a good senerio when feeling like this.
Jayne
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susiemargaret responded:
hello, jayne --

i'm hate it that today was bad, i know you are desperately tired. try to concentrate on only ten mins or less at a time. don't think about the ten mins after that, cross that bridge when you get to it.

because you will be by yourself this weekend, please keep the crisis resources list close to you, http://www.webmd.com/help/crisis-resources?printing=true . if you have not looked at it lately, why don't you print it out right now and keep copies everywhere in your house, including your bathrms and kitchen, plus a copy for your purse.

is there anyone you can call and just vent to -- just asking them to listen and not try to "fix" things?

remember, we will be here, but fewer people check the messages on the weekends.

however, please, please do not hesitate to go to the ER. that is what they are there for, and they can give you immediate crisis help whereas we cannot.

please, please also take it easy on the pain meds. it is easy for it to accumulate in your bloodstream faster than you realize.

i know you are in terrible emotional and physical pain, and i am so, so sorry. i send you many caring thoughts and hope you can get some rest tonight and every night, but esp tonight.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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Jayne4694 replied to susiemargaret's response:
Susie, I'm here this morning. Still feel no different. So So Tired. I had a dream last night that I had fallen into this hole and was trying to get out but couldn't. I was grabbing at anything, but couldn't crawl out. My husband said this morning that what ever I was dreaming last night I was grabbing at his pillow and blankets pulling and pulling, so that must have been me in my dream trying to pull myself out of this hole.

I feel so sick to my stomach. Feel like I could throw up at any minute. I know I should eat but I can't and when I try nothing tastes good and I throw it out.

Susie, I have to hold on, but I don't know how. My daughter who is in the Navy informed me and her father this morning that her and her husband are having there first baby in September 2011. They are so excited. I am excited for them both, but couldn't find the real emotions, but did my best. I have to hold on for her. She needs me her mom.

I can't think of that right now though. I need to get myself together and I don't know how I can do that. I guess for now like you said moment by moment.
Jayne
 
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tazmandavid replied to Jayne4694's response:
Hello, you are describing me over 10 years ago as far as crying at work and saying that's enough, the difference is I had a crappy job that payed nothing just like any of my other jobs, so I felt like a total loser working at worthless jobs only to get yelled at all the time and made to do stuff like cleaning bathrooms. I am not trying to say what you went through is not fun, just want to show you that consider yourself lucky you don't feel worse, because you can really feel Horrendously Bad. Now I can tell you that your feeling of tiredness is due to the depresson not because you are physically tired, believe me I know about that all too well. I used to frequently sleep my whole weekends away and I am not kidding, I would sleep about 48 hours straight, so imagine the side effects I would get from not taking my Meds and I went through that every weekend and I have an 8 year old daughter and I was not there for her every weekend and my wife would take her to the park,the mall, etc. Also I seem to suffer from something that no doctor seems to understand,it's when I have a bowel movement and I get so exhausted that I need to sleep and sometimes I would sleep to the next afternoon, so tired from deression and also this, it was like a double whammy. Now you don't go into much detail of the abuse you had done to you and who walked over you. I would suggest talking to a Psychiatrist about getting on Anti-Depressants or Mood Stabilizers, or Anti-Anxiety if you have that. I know that I have been on every Anti-Depressant they make, but finally what seems to help at least a little is a Mood Stabilizer called Lamictal and I fought getting on it because of what I read about the side effects, but my doc said if you keep going like this then you will never know if it will work. He also mentioned Seroquel, but that makes you gain weight, so I chose Lamictal. I have not experieced the food tasting like nothing and wanting to vomit at least not due to depression. Also you might ask your therapist about a technique called EMDR, this should help with the abuse you dealt with before. I know it helps alot with PTSD. I know it is helping me with stuff I went through as a child and beyond to the present. What happens in EMDR is that the therapist has you think of a particular incident that gives you pain or makes you angry or makes you want to cry, etc. Then you think of a negative cognition that this incident makes you feel about yourself and then you will grade it on a scale of 1 to 10 as far how strong the feeling of pain or sadness it makes you feel. You will also figure out a safe place you can go to when it becomes too much for you to handle during the procedure. The safe place is like something you like to do or a place you feel safe and Happy in. Anyway, then you start by focusing on the bad incident and the therapist will either tap on your thighs or have you follow his finger with your eyes without moving your head. If you do the tapping you can close your eyes, but my therapist says the finger following is more intense and is more effective and I agree. You can also try hypnotherapy, I hear that works for abuse in earlier life and stuff like that. Just try to see if you can get yourself to the point where you can talk to your therapist and any other doctors you see about trying this technique and definately look into getting on some type of medication for the Depression, that should help at least a little. Anyway, I am sorry for going into my poblems, just hope that can make you feel that you are nowhere near the end and that you still have reasons to have hope.If you find that hard still go into Youtube.com and watch an inspiring video called You are Not Depressed You are Distracted, it's very uplifting and talks about how god loves you no matter what you do and if you find 1000 reasons to be sad or depressed, just say you can find 1001 reasons to be thankful and happy. Don't give up hope and know we are here for you.
 
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Jayne4694 replied to tazmandavid's response:
Tazmandavid, Sorry First
I don't know who you are, but you obviously don't know who I am or what I am. Don't know how old you are, I'm 47. Been on plenty of medications, am already see therapists etc. etc. etc....
 
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susiemargaret replied to Jayne4694's response:
hello, jayne --

i was just going to write and ask how you were holding up. i know that for a lot of people, the weekends are different from the weekdays.

yes, when i am really in bad straits, i try to concentrate on tiny little periods at a time -- sometimes as small as five mins. you've already made it from yesterday to today, so you are making progress tho it may not feel like it. as of now (saturday afternoon), you're halfway thru; please try to hang on a little longer, dear jayne!

your daughter needs you, but esp your little grandchild will need you as well. it is different being a grandmother than being a mother (i'm not sure if you have any other grandchildren?). fewer direct hassles, more immediate rewards.

i've been thinking of you all weekend even tho i couldn't get to write before now. i send you many caring thoughts and the hope for a restful night.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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Jayne4694 replied to susiemargaret's response:
Hi Susie, I had my first facet block today in my neck. It involved 8 different injections, felt everything, hurt so bad. They gave me Versed in an IV but it did nothing for me. My neck is really sore and swollen tonight. Been pretty sick to my stomach today and actually for the past 4-5 days. Wonder if it's from my mood, depression, feelings.

I was thinking today how I would love to be able to go someplace warm and think about my life. My husband wouldn't allow me to go though. I just feel I need to think with no distractions.

Well I see my therapist tomorrow since 3 weeks prior and see what she thinks.

I'm really tired, I'm calling it quits tonight.
Jayne
 
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susiemargaret replied to Jayne4694's response:
hello, jayne --

i'm sorry i missed your post until now; i have been more disorganized than usual.

did you see your therapist?

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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Jayne4694 replied to susiemargaret's response:
Hi Susie, My therapist said I need to do what needs to be done, but in a diplomatic way, because I need a job and insurance. I told her I have been walked on and abused by people all my life. I can't take it anymore. The right people have to know the way my boss is treating me and the truth of the way my boss is to other people. When I go back to work, how long, how long Susie will I explode up at her. I have never felt this way my whole life. I also have so much built up anger and it's going to fly out but who is going to be on the other end of it.

I hate to make this statement but I think I know why people go postal.

Jayne
 
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Jayne4694 replied to Jayne4694's response:
I emailed my boss a nice note saying how we have always worked together so well etc. etc.. What is happening, Why is she treating me this way. What is going on.

I got an email back from her to blanketly say that she will no longer email me or respond to my emails ever again. That I'm turning everything around.

So where did I get. I am never going to be able to walk through that door on the 28th of Feb. like nothing happened.

Last night I looked my husband in the eyes and as I held his face I told him I am 100% serious about what I am about to say. If I have a nervous break down and end up in the hospital file charges against my boss.. If You find out that I have committed suicide bring charges against my boss. Because I feel that is where and how she is pushing me to.
Jayne
 
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susiemargaret replied to Jayne4694's response:
hello, jayne --

i've been out of commission and missed this post.

you are entitled to be angry at your boss, but please don't think any more about hurting yourself because of her. she is not worth it. you are such a valuable person and have so much to give to the world; don't let such an unworthy person weaken you in this way. she is not worth it.

i know this is hard for you to keep believing, because you've had to deal with so much emotional and physical heartache lately, but you are strong -- strong, jayne. much, much stronger than any of these horrible people you have to work with.

i agree with your counselor -- go in, do your job, be gracious to everyone no matter how rude they are to you, then leave and go home. there you can let out all of the rage you've been suppressing all day. get directly in the shower and start screaming for as long and as loud as you need to.

when you're thru, have dinner, spend some time with your husband, then go to bed. lie down and slowly tense up, then release, all of the muscles in each part of your body. take some slow deep breaths. hold on to your husband's hand and know that he loves you dearly, more than anyone else in the world. you are the most precious person in the world -- say this to both yourself and your husband. hold his hand while you are lying in bed, then drift into sleep. don't think about bad times, think about good times, while you are getting more and more sleepy. there is no provision in there requiring you to use up your energy to talk back to someone just because they want to give you a hard time.

joke around the stupid things you've had to put up with, and come up with secret and sarcastic retorts you would have made to everyone who crosses you. work on not reacting, no matter the provocation, in fact, anticipate everyone being so shocked when you stand up for yourself so publically; the office will be so stunned at this development!

i send you caring thoughts and the hope that things will get better on all fronts.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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An_255129 responded:
I have just seen this website. I really hope you are doing better now and have been able to work through your problems. Remember to focus on the good things (I know this can be very hard). If you are still suffering today maybe even get a dog or a pet of some kind because they always cheer me up and give you unconditional love. When you can't rely on the people around you, animals never let you down. You are not alone.
 
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47rodents responded:
oh wow, just signed up didn't realize this was 4 years old, but right now i cannot stop crying
 
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rohvannyn replied to 47rodents's response:
It's okay, you are welcome here, 47rodents. Sometimes it's good to just let it all out and cry. It flushes the stress toxins out of your body and it's good for you. I've you've cried yourself out and there are no more tears, and you still feel terrible, we can listen to you. Writing about why you are sad can help you get it out of your system too. Thank you for joining us.


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