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    Roller Coaster
    dwashvp posted:
    I am on an emotional roller coaster. My moods are up and down, mostly down. I feel so alone, so lonely. I have always felt disconnected. I felt like this is middle school, high school, college was a little better and so was the time of my older child's first five years of life For the last five years,things have been different for me. The last three years have been devasting. I started therapy, starting seeing a psyciatrist then began medication. But I still feel withdrawn from my family and friends. I am a control freak and strive for perfection. No matter how much I do to myself to make me feel better, its only short term. I'm afraid to share my thoughts with anyone, i feel wierd enough. I have a new therapist and she is so thoughtful and patient. I am getting to a point that i trust her, but I also feel like I'm a burden. I want all of these problems to go away. I wamt to be happy. In my head I know I'm not the only one in my community who feels this way, but its hard to believe it. Even though I have a successful carreer, nice income, husband 2 great kids, a decent house and 2 cars, I don't feel full. I get high anxiety levels when its time for me to interact wit others. I am comfortable being alone, I want to be social, but it's so hard. My medications doesn't seem to be working. I have so many other issues involving my family members and it definitely has cause a delay in my treatment. i just want to be accepted and happy. I want to be able to communicate my feelings more openly with the people that care about me. I need advice.
    susiemargaret responded:
    hello, D --

    i just discovered this post today, and i am so sorry we missed it until now. i hope you are still following this thread. when we have heavy traffic in this community, it is very easy for messages to drop to the second page rapidly, where they are less likely to be seen, and i suspect that this is what happened to you. even so, i wish it hadn't happened.

    it sounds to me as if you are doing all the right things -- seeing a counselor, trying psych meds. if you feel as if your psych meds are not working as well as they should, you need to tell your dr; you may need a dosage change, or to add another med, or to switch meds altogether.

    i understand completely the wanting-to-be-social but being very anxious about it. i try to take it just one day at a time, one experience at a time. working with your counselor will help, because she can teach you some coping skills for the situations that make you the most anxious. i'm glad you're starting to feel that you can trust her.

    you will get there, D. trust yourself. i send you caring thoughts and hope that you will keep us posted on how you are doing.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    FightingB responded:
    Roller Coaster,

    hey there.... i hope you get this, i know it is a bit late but my fingers are crossed. i definetly understand how you are feeling! i have the same ups and downs but my downs are really low. i too understand "having it all" by societies standards and really having nothing. i am a successful professional woman, own my own home and make a good living. no kids but am in a committed and healthy relationship. i am in a much better place now but have worked really hard to get there........ i to was a control freak and perfectionist, 10 years ago i had an eating disorder which prompted my first depressive episode, or that prompted the eating disorder (chicken or the egg!) i have worked really hard in therapy to address these issues because they are greatly at the root of my depression. i know that lack of fulfillment. i am striving to find that in myself, a peace. i have made great strides, work hard in therapy and take my medication as prescribed but i think therapy is the thing that has helped the most on the other end of the depression and believe it will see me through to more happier days!
    i finally got real with myself and my therapist. as a perfectionist i hid A LOT! i denied A LOT, i worried what everyone would think about me, including my therapist........ i denied my own feelings that i have apparently been stuffing away for oh about 28 years of my life. i especially have a problem with anger. can count on 2 fingers the time in my life i have been angry and they were both with my mother which is a whole other subject. what has really helped me is working through things in therapy, journaling, art therapy, and getting real with my emotions for the first time, or rather even feeling them for the first time. the more you suppress them the greater the depression as i imagine you internalize things and blame yourself! i am no longer ashamed of myself and am learning to accept me for me! the two other things that helped immensely was learning and practicing mindfulness...... took a while to psuedo master but it has really helped quiet that inner critic and increase acceptance. i also did a lot of reading on emotional healing. the book i recommend is healing your emotional self by beverly engel. as a kid i was set up to be a rescuer and had to be perfect to be loved. this book really helped me to work through that early trauma and learn how to love and accept in healthy ways.
    i hope this helped and is not too late! take care and i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! keep us posted.
    dwashvp replied to susiemargaret's response:
    Thank you so much for your response. You really seem as though you're concerned. Thank you for being so positive. I tend to reject positive thoughts but I'm trying to move on. These past two weeks have been terrible for me. I just want a way out. I still feel alone, but reading and listening to music has been soothing, but I don't know how much I can keep up the front.
    susiemargaret replied to dwashvp's response:
    hello, D --

    you don't have to keep up a front. being discreet about how you feel is not the same as pretending you feel good when you really don't.

    how often are you seeing your counselor?

    did you talk with your psychiatrist about your meds?

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    An_204052 replied to susiemargaret's response:
    I see my therapist once a week. My psychiatrist just changed my med combination. I went 7 days without anything due to a pharmacy glitch. When I show my feelings, I get negative backlash. People say I'm a snob, snutty and mean. But I am a gentle person. People make assumptions of me that are incorrect. That only makes me pull away from people in general and build walls around me to prevent getting hurt or disappointment.
    susiemargaret replied to An_204052's response:
    hello, D --

    when you are shy and feel bad, it is easy for others to get a wrong impression. i hate when that happens, because usually i lack the energy to try to correct that impression. what i customarily try to do is tell myself, OK, that didn't go so well, let's move on for today.

    in addition to trying to forgive other people for making assumptions, i also try to forgive myself for not trying to "fix" every wrong assumption. everybody has only a certain amt of energy.

    the tricky part, as you've discovered, is being open enough with other people to get some energy from them instead of draining yourself without being so open that every vulnerability is exposed, for all the world to see. this is a difficult balance to calculate.

    be patient with yourself, D. i send you many caring thoughts tonight.

    -- susie margaret

    PS -- you say that people think you are "a snob, snutty and mean." what is "snutty"?
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    dwashvp replied to susiemargaret's response:
    Vaniety. Over confident. Im the opposite, low keyed and have low self esteem

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