Skip to content

Announcements

Please take some time to click through these links to find out more about our community.

What is a Trigger and When to Trigger a Post
How and Why to Report a Post
Visit our Crisis Assistance Link for resources. For immediate help, call 911 or get to the ER.


Lost and without hope
avatar
Nintanto posted:
[TRIGGER] I really just don't know what to do anymore. It just keeps getting harder and harder to go on. Even on days that I don't feel sad and really depressed I am just so empty and just so without hope that I have no desire to go on. It has become a daily task to convince myself not to commit suicide. Suicide is an almost ever present thought anymore. I know one of the big warnings people look for in suicidal people is if they have a plan and the means to achieve that plan. I have so many plans at this point that I couldn't count that high. Something as little as grabbing a pen to sign the attendance causes me to think of killing myself with that pen. I can't remove the dangers and temptations from my life because I've thought of ways to kill myself with the most mundane objects and also objects that I have to have simply to be able to do anything.

I am just at a lose as to what to do. I'm in counseling and on medication. I've yet to find a medication that has had much of an impact on me after about 14 months of taking antidepressants. I know people say the big three things you can do to help is exercise, eat well and get enough sleep. I wouldn't say I exercise a lot but I walk a minimum of 2.5 miles a day just simple to get to work and one class (I normally skip my other two classes so I'm not counting them). I also am getting between 7 and 8 hours of sleep a night on average. I wouldn't say I'm eating extremely healthy but my eating is far from being bad. I also make an effort to socialize and get out and do things. I mentioned in previous posts of mine that I joined a coed service fraternity on campus and I go to the weekly meetings that we have. I also try to go to any parties or events I may be invited to despite not wanting to go in an effort to just get out and do stuff. I also tend to volunteer on average once a week.

I'm just at a lose as to what to do to get better and I have all but given up hope of getting better. It honestly just feels like it's a matter of time before I finally kill myself. The only reason I've found to not kill myself so far is I know it would hurt people around me and I don't want to do that to anyone. The problem with that is that it just has less and less impact on me as time goes on.

I don't even know why I'm writing this post or what I'm expecting from this. I guess I just felt like I should write something or say something. I've had friends tell me I should hospitalize myself but I just don't see that helping. My doctor even said he didn't know if that would help my situation right now. He said it's very good for those that don't feel they can keep themselves safe and it helps there. The problem is they can't do that much for me other than try and monitor me to make sure I don't kill myself, they can't actually do anything more to help me feel better.
Reply
FirstPrevious12NextLast
 
avatar
sweetypie295 responded:
I am so sorry your going through this. I appriciate you posting your thoughts & feelings.
It sounds like your doing everything you can think of to help. Are there things you are enjoying doing?
Do you have family & friends that you can turn to at this time?
You may want to get more information on the hospital idea. My friend said it really worked for him by going. Others I know would never thing of going.
Keep up your activity - I give you all my best during this hard time.
((hug))
 
avatar
alivings11 responded:

Be well, friend. It sounds like you are in incredible pain but still putting one foot in front of the other. That takes so much strength and courage. To me, so much of this comes down to brain chemistry and the negative self talk we do when we don't feel well. I can see your frustration and fatigue. And you are making yourself go and do things! How fantastic.

It sounds like your friends really care about you. Friends also know us really well. Hospitalization definitely keeps you safe but it also gives you the opportunity to be re-evaluated medically and maybe get you closer medications that work better for you. You can feel better and you are trying so hard. Sometimes I have to reevaluate my doctors to make sure I am getting the best care possible.
Bless you.
 
avatar
marysings responded:
Another poster commented on your outside activities and I totally agree that when you are trying your best to get involved, it'a few more hours to being safe.

I understand your frustration with yourself and the depression that only seems to get worse by the day. When the school semester ends I really want to encourage you to go to the hospital and seek help. At that point, you won't have the frat activites and meetings to keep you occupied.

Keep posting as long as it helps you. You write well. Keep in touch through this community and let us know if you are going to go inpatient. I hope you get the help you need.

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is.I make mistakes,I'm sometimes out of control but I love and give with all my heart.If you can't accept me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best.
 
avatar
FightingB replied to marysings's response:
hey there.... i am so glad you posted on here! first i have to say you have so much strength and courage! i know that you cannot really feel positive emotions of any sort right now but i do admire you! you are doing everything you are "supposed" to be doing to recover and do not stop.

if you at all feel like you are going to follow through with suicide please go to the hospital. it is absolutely a safe place. is it the magical cure, no, not by any means. i had to be hospitalized myself and what that offered me was a second opinion and a new treatment and more importantly i kept me alive. i did not care at all about that back then but i have recovered and am so grateful to myself that i had the courage to do something i never would have ever predicted. i would take the exact same steps looking back with the exception of waiting so long to go to the hospital. i had been struggling for so long...... just like you doing everything that was recommended and i just fell deeper and lower. i worked so hard on my negative thoughts and cognitions but it did nothing. i think when you or anyone is experiencing that level of depression it is largely chemistry, or rather wholely chemistry and until you stabilize, all the counter thinking in the world will not help.

the thing that helped me the most was a support network and seeking out different medical advice. they have articles on here about "treatment resistant depression" i was diagnosed with a treatment resistant depression and became eligible for some of the alternative treatments. my doctor recommended ECT. this is a somewhat controversial but safe treatment. there is no other way to say this but it saved my life. after 7 treatments i made tremendous, vast improvements! i have maintained ever since. it is hard to admit and accept that i had to have such a radical procedure.... at the time, when it was recommended i did not really care at all.... actually at the time i did not care at all! it was just one more motion for me in the day...... one more thing for me to do..... i believed in nothing at the time. i would explore with your doctor options to treating treatment resistant depression. read up on it and educate yourself on the different treatments. have your own opinion on your treatment. some people are very opinionated when it comes to alternative treatments like ECT. it is actually the most effective and quickest treatment for major depression, it is FDA approved obviously.

i hope you explore different options. i do not know if my route will work for you but i do know how you feel and i wanted to share my story with you and let you know in spite of the fact you cannot feel an ounce of hope right now..... there are some alternatives. it saved my life.... i would not be typing this message of hope and understanding if i did not do it. i quickly stabilized, take my meds daily, go to therapy weekly, excersise...... ect, ect, ect.... you know the routine. now that i am stable those things have helped immensely!

please keep us posted and come back to the forum, even if you are just venting about how utterly screwed up depression is indeed! this is not the real you, it is the depression, do not forget that! i am going to be a bit cliche but hang in there! take care, you are in my prayers..... and let me know how your day/days go!
 
avatar
Chris_WebMD_Staff replied to FightingB's response:
Nintanto,

Hurting yourself is never the answer.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing. You need to reach offline for help. You need to keep trying and get the help you deserve.
Here is a list of Crisis numbers.
I hope it helps you to post here with us, but reach out for help as well.

(((hugs))))
Chrissy~ When the world says, Give up, Hope whispers, Try it one more time. ~Author Unknown
 
avatar
Nintanto responded:
[TRIGGER] So I saw my new therapist for the 4th? time yesterday. Yesterday was the 2nd time talking to him that he said he even almost cried, he said he could feel the tears start to well up in his own eyes. How bad is it that I make my therapist want to cry? He said he is frustrated too because he doesn't know what to do to help me. He says I'm doing all the right things but they just aren't working for me. Yesterday he did mention ECT, but more in passing than anything, just as something else that is out there to I guess remind me that we haven't done everything yet. He also told me he was scared for me because of everything I was saying. He agreed with me though that hospitalization doesn't seem like the best choice or most effective option for me at the moment, he did say though that he would hospitalize me if he thought I was going to try and kill myself.

I don't blame my therapist for not knowing what to do to help me though. I have looked up so much stuff on depression and traditional ways to treat it that I know more than most people out there. Also my nature is just a very understanding one and I don't know, I guess I have a therapeutic nature. I've had many people tell me that I sound like a therapist. I was talking to my sister a while back (she is also depressed and in therapy) and she said that I sounded just like her therapist with everything I was saying and how I was acting. I do and say most of the things that my therapist would want to say before he has a chance. I also finish half his sentences because I know the "right" answer and the "right" thing to do, they just don't work for me.

I spent almost the entire hour I was with my therapist yesterday in tears. Just more than anything I want this pain to simply end, I wish for my death every single day. My therapist also said that he could tell how incredibly kind I am. He was saying how my first and main concern is for others and that I don't want to kill myself simply because I don't want to hurt anyone. He said it was amazing that despite how much I've been hurt and everything my main worry and concern is about others and not wanting to hurt anyone. When he said this I just started crying even harder because it's true and to be honest I hate that it is.

My best friend is Kathleen and she is someone I talk to often about everything I'm going through, the problem is that she isn't very compassionate or sympathetic, at least not towards me. A while back I was talking to her about one of the things that bothered me and her response was to tell me to cry her a river and just get over it. I can't even put into words how much that hurt me, and that's not the first time she has hurt me with what she says to me. I know that she isn't trying to hurt me on purpose and I always forgive her for what she says, I normally even end up apologizing. Still she is one of the reasons I can't kill myself because I know it would really hurt her.

I suffer so much every single day anymore and I'm always just around the corner from breaking down into tears. I just want everything to end, I just want to be done with it all. I just continue to suffer day in and day out though because I don't want to hurt anyone. I've given up on ever feeling better and I'm just trying to not hurt anyone at this point.
 
avatar
susiemargaret replied to Nintanto's response:
hello, N --

no, no, it is not time to give up on ever feeling better. for one thing, you have not exhausted all of your options.

dr. schwartz, our expert in this community, says that there are at least 20 antidepressants (including mood stabilizers and antipsychotics, which are not as scary as they sound). how many have you tried? have you tried them in various combinations?

since your depression seems to be so intense, and if you've tried all of the antidepressants that you and your counselor or psychiatrist think might help (see PS1), i'm wondering if you have reached the point where it might be helpful to consider some of the more advanced treatments, specifically ECT or transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS, see PS2). i think you and your counselor should talk more about these.

i don't understand why you apologize to your friend kathleen for feeling bad or talking about it. a more productive approach might be to ask her if she would rather you didn't talk to her about your feelings; my guess is that she might be feeling somewhat emotionally overwhelmed by what she is hearing and that that is what's leading to what sounds to you like a cavalier attitude toward your despair.

some people can handle others' confiding in them about depression; some people can't. it's not a good thing or a bad thing; it's just whatever it is. this is why we have counselors -- because they are trained to help us sort thru our feelings without reacting in fear. our friends don't always have that capability, even if they want to or we want them to.

i hope that you can get some relief soon; i'm very concerned about you. i send you caring thoughts; please keep us posted on how you are doing.

-- susie margaret

PS1 -- who is prescribing your meds? if it is not a psychiatrist, now might be the time to switch to one, because they usually know far more about psych meds than other drs do.

PS2 -- webMD info on transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is at http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/electroconvulsive-therapy?page=2 (second section on that page).
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
avatar
Nintanto replied to susiemargaret's response:
[TRIGGER] I'm seeing a therapist on about a weekly basis and then seeing a psychiatrist for my medication. I don't even remember what all I've been on as far as medications, I was on celexa then had wellbutrin added then I went to maybe prozac then had abilify added to that then had wellbutrin added to both of those then went to another med, effexor i think and that didnt work and now I'm on nortriptyline and it's having no effect on me so my doc upped my dosage on that yesterday. I'm not sure I think I might of been on another medication somewhere in the middle of all that.

I just don't know what to do anymore, suicide is always on my mind anymore. I went and saw Stephen Lynch last night, one of my favorite comedians, and had a great time, he was funny as hell and I really enjoyed the show. The problem is that almost the moment it was over I went back to being depressed, I live within 10 minutes of where he was playing and I didn't even get home before I started thinking about different ways to kill myself.

Monday I wasn't doing very well, I normally work 9-11, just 2 hours a day, but I stayed an extra 30 minutes just because of how bad I was feeling. It was safer for me at work, if I stayed at work I couldn't do anything to hurt myself plus while at work there is a lot of pressure not to let myself break down and cry, I knew if I went home I wouldn't be able to stop myself from crying and I'm just so tired of crying.
 
avatar
susiemargaret replied to Nintanto's response:
[TRIGGER] hello, N --

i am really sorry you are feeling so awful.

have you told your therapist how desperate you are? that you think about suicide all of the time? you are doing the right thing in coming up with strategies to keep yourself safe (working extra hours, going to the comedy show), but i'm very concerned about whether you can continue to do that 24 hrs/day.

the one useful thing about being hospitalized, regardless of whether you get anything else from it, is that it is a place where you are safe. you will get emotional support and you can rest. i think you should talk about this in more depth with your counselor, preferably tomorrow. if he seems unable to handle your feelings, it is time to ask for a referral to another therapist. it is not your job to make sure that your therapist doesn't get overwhelmed.

i send you caring thoughts and hope you will take care of yourself. if the next two hours seem too hard to think about, try the next ten mins, then the ten mins after that. please keep us posted on how you are doing.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
avatar
Nintanto replied to susiemargaret's response:
I have talked to my therapist about how I'm almost always thinking of suicide. He and I both feel that hospitalization isn't the best option right now because it wouldn't do much for me. I would only be there a couple of days where as this suicidal feeling I've had for months, a couple days wont make any difference. I've also spent a lot of time thinking of ways to kill myself while in the hospital, it might be a safer place but unless I'm in restraints 24 hours a day they cant really keep me from killing myself if I really wanted to. I just want to give up, I'm so tired of everything already. I'm only 23 and the thought of having to live like this just kills any hope I have left.
 
avatar
Nintanto replied to Nintanto's response:
[TRIGGER] I'm so tired of everything. All I think about any more is my death, it is a near ever present thought. It varies in how I think about it but I'm almost always thinking about my death. It can be anything from when I walk across a street I imagine getting hit and killed by a car to thinking about committing seppaku (a form of Japanese ritualistic suicide) to imagining how my death would impact others. I keep going back to the idea of seppaku because it is a very painful way to commit suicide and sometimes I think along the lines of if I'm going to hurt others by killing myself then I should chose a way that is extremely painful so that I suffer for hurting those that care about me. I also think a lot about other ways to kill myself, I'm always thinking of different ways to kill myself and weighing all the options. I will think about how quick it is to how effective it is, how likely will I be that it is effective and that I will die even if someone finds me. I also think about how it will effect my body, will my mother be able to have an open casket funeral for me if she wants. I also think about how much of a mess will certain ways of suicide create, I don't want to make people clean up after me, I don't want to ruin the carpet or anything by leaving a big pool of blood where I die.

I know all of these thoughts are horrible and I shouldn't think about that stuff but it's all I can think about anymore. It's the last thing I think about before I go to bed and the first thing I think of when I wake up. The worst part is that I can feel myself becoming desensitized to all of it, the idea of committing suicide is becoming more and more acceptable.

I don't want to hurt anyone that cares about me, I really don't but I just don't know how much longer I can keep myself alive. I know that suicide is something major, I know it would effect those that care about me as well as those that barely know me for a long time to come, it's just that the more I think about suicide and the longer I think about it the less important that becomes. I find myself telling me that it's not about me, people wont miss me that much, they will get over me and get on with their lives. The thing that is shocking is the act it's self, suicide is just a huge thing to so many people, the person doing it doesn't matter that much, it's the event it's self that matters. I tell myself that I move so often I'm always meeting people and leaving people behind so me being gone isn't a big deal, people can and have gotten on just fine without me, they will still be able to go on if I'm gone.

I really don't want to hurt anyone, I really don't, hurting those that care about me is the last thing I want to do. I just honestly don't even feel that it's a question of if I will kill myself anymore, the only question left is when and how will I do it.
 
avatar
marysings replied to Nintanto's response:
[TRIGGER] I read this thread very carefully and I can feel your despair. I can also appreciate your feelings because I too live in a world of fantasy of suicide. Like you, I have countless plans and the means to carry out those plans.

However, I have made a vow that I will never again attempt siucide. I've seen what it does to family and friends...my psychiatrist committed suicide while I was inpatient and under his care. His death led to me staying an additional 2 weeks in the hospital. I was hurt and grieving and then I got mad for his stupidity. I saw what his death did to me, other patients, the hospital staff; and I promised my husband I would never try to kill myself again. YET, I still day dream about dying every single day.

I've told you all of this so that you will have something to hold onto for a while. I would like to suggest that you make two lists - one of family members by name and their relationship to you - and another list of friends, again by name and their relationship to you. Begin list #2 with your therapist and your psychiatrist.

I once had this conversation with my therapist, Dr.B. He told me that when he's had a patient commit suicide, he has to summarize their treatment plan and share that with state authorities. He also has a ton of other paperwork for the state. Then he has to sit with his peers and reflect on what he could have done differently. And last, but the most important part, is that he grieves for the hopelessness of his former patient and his loss of their friendship. As a therapist, he knows more about his patients than their families do. It's a lot of weight on his shoulders when the patient gives up.

Please, help yourself by going inpatient. You need the rest. You need some one-on-one daily care. You need the time away from the hustle and bustle of life so you can work on your lists of family and friends. You need to put yourself in a safe place for a while.

I'll be looking for your response to this post. I pray that you will seek the help you need. Contact your therapist today and commit to staying safe between now and tomorrow. Spend the weekend getting ready to leave your home for several weeks. Stop the mail, get someone to look in on your home/apartment every other day, and if you have pets, put them in a kennel.

My heart hurts for you,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.


Featuring Experts

Thomas L. Schwartz, MD, received his medical degree from and completed his residency in adult psychiatry at the State University of New York (SUNY) Up...More

Helpful Tips

Sexual Problems from Meds..What to do!Expert
Serotonin type antidepressants can cause 5-30% of the time- sexual problems such as no orgasm, impotence, no libido. Consider that ... More
Was this Helpful?
28 of 35 found this helpful

Related News

There was an error with this newsfeed

Related Drug Reviews

  • Drug Name User Reviews

Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.