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need an ear
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An_204186 posted:
[TRIGGER] For the last 3 weeks, i have been trying to fill the void inside. Im so empty and it hurts. I've been over eating and on a sugar bindge. I have noticed a change in my weight. This is extreme because prior to this i wasn't eating hardly anything. I feel so lonely, and i want to just disappear. I want to be alone. I just want to sleep, maybe not even wake up. I miss my therapist. I want to talk, but to embarassed to call. I have missed feelings, not sure how to deal with my feelings. I want to cut my arms to make the pain seem real. I need help. I probably need to go away, but I'm afraid. I have a secret, i don't want anyone to know that I;m messed up, I'm supposed to be the one in control with all of the solutions. I don't know what to do. I;m just so tired. All i want to do is sleep. I do want to talk, but noone understands me. Noone knows about me. but i want to be happy, I just cant. My biggest relief is french fries and bubble gum. I wish I had a friend to share my dark secrets with, but I cant, its too embarassing. It hurts so much. please help me.
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7Shorty50 responded:
I am here for you. I know I am a complete stranger, but I am a great listener. And I don't know you, therefore I can't judge you (not that I would if I did know you). You don't need to feel embarassed to talk to me because I can't see you. It helps tremendously to get things off your mind. Who knows, maybe by me trying to help you, you will be helping me. Talk to me. I can't promise I will always have the best advice, but I can listen as long as you need to talk.
 
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An_204187 replied to 7Shorty50's response:
[TRIGGER] My heart is thumping fast, i just happened to go back to my post today. I feel miserable. I have stuffed myself with food today, now i feel really bad and extremely tired. i was thinking of leaving work and going home to bed. I just feel numb. I'm not teary eyed at this point, but i feel like im in another world, like I'm high without drugs. I can't relate to my surroundings right now. I wish I could go away where there is no pressure, no expectations. My heart feels so heavy, so when i read your post. it gave me a little hope, but Im so scared. i want to call my therapist but she's out this week and i'm the last one she probably wants to hear from. i dont know what to do, but i want out of this life as i know it/
 
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7Shorty50 replied to An_204187's response:
Try to think of a reason to stay in this life. I know it's hard and it seems like there is nothing, but there is always something. I do it for my kids. Maybe the fact that you just made a new friend will help you hold on. I know what you are going through. I no longer feel sad, I feel numb and out of it. I've started some new medications recently that seem to be helping a little. Do you take any medications. If you feel that you are the last person your therapist wants to hear from try to find a new one that you are more comfortable with. I'm sure that is not how your current therapist feels, but if you feel that way then maybe you need change. Its a good sign that you at least got out of bed and to work. Although you want to go home now, you did accomplish getting to work. Do you like your job? Lets take baby steps to getting through this together.
 
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dwashvp replied to 7Shorty50's response:
I just started a new medicine therapy 300mg of Effexa, i take seriquil and ambien. i just got off of wellbutrin. i also take Ziipromax. I know i mesed the spelling of these meds up majorly. You're right i did do something right by coming to work. I love my job but lately I;m totally disconnected. I've been trying to cover my feelings. I just want to let it out, but I;m too embarassed, everyone will think Im a psyco. Thank you for your offer and I accept. I have friends that dont know anything about my depression, this is my little secret. so i think talking with you will help. I;m afraid to die, but sometimes that seems like it would help the feelings of hopelessness I feel. I don't think my death would really have an impact on anyone. after a week or so, everyone;s lives would be normal, and noone will think about my pain. sometimesi think so much of Micheal Jackson and all of the meds he took because he was in emotional pain. Even though our circumstances are extremely different, i think the pain is the same, the lonliness, the burdens. my meds are nothing like his, but every now and then i think about how lonely he was. and how all of his money, fame and regonition couldnt satisfy the void he had in his heart. i hope i dont sound extreme.
 
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7Shorty50 replied to dwashvp's response:
You don't have to keep your secret any more. I suffer depression and anxiety and I get what you are feeling. You are right when you say nobody understands. Everybody thinks you can just snap out of it. I wish it was that easy. People who do not suffer do not get it. I don't talk about my depression to my family and I don't really have friends, so I hide my feelings too. I act like everything is okay on the outside, but inside I'm numb. I go through the motions of life. It is very exhausting, irritating and frustrating to live this way. Like I said though, the new medication I started is starting to help, so there is hope. Don't ever feel like I'm gonna think you are psycho, no matter what you say. I'm not here to judge. And you say nobody would be impacted by your death. That is never true. There is always somebody who will be deeply impacted and that impact will last their lives. I am your friend now and I would be impacted if you were to take your life. I will stay here and talk to you as long as you need. Truth is, I need to talk too.
 
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An_204188 replied to 7Shorty50's response:
your comments really made a difference in my day. i finally have someone to chat with. I dont want to lose your ear by being too whinny, so please let me know if i become a burden. if you dont mind sharing, what meds do you take, im willing to try anything. usually on thursdays i see my therapist, but the session was not held today in my therapist absence. this really has had an impact on my week. i didnt have an outlet. even though i saw my psychiatrist this week, its not the same. i tried something different this week and went to a group session in another town. my therapist didnt know i scheduled it. i felt even more odd after that session, i dont think i will go back. seeing other people in more extreme circumstances didnt really help. i dont think the group matched my needs. i dont think i will ever find anyone who truely understands my needs. my interests are different from most people i know, so i either dont do it or do it alone. that may seem off topic, but what do you do to feel normal, to try to get people to like or accept you, are you unhappy more than youre happy
 
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An_204189 replied to 7Shorty50's response:
I'm going to bed, I want o thank you for having an impact on my day. I hope to talk to you soon
 
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7Shorty50 replied to An_204189's response:
Good morning. Don't ever feel like you are being too whinny or you are burdening me. Trust me, there will come a time when I'm gonna whine away too. That's what friends do, they lean on eachother when they feel they have nobody else. I take 100 mg of Zoloft, 10 mg of Buspar, 50 mg of Ativan (as needed) and I take 1-1/2 Ambien to help me sleep at night. I have switched medication a couple of times because it didn't seem to work. The Zoloft alone was not working so my doctor added the Buspar. I think that has helped tremendously. I at least feel a slight difference. I'm not doing the happy dance yet, but at least I feel it may work. I have another dr appointment at the end of this month and my doctor is going to up the dosage of my medication. Hopefully that will do the trick. I don't have any secrets for feeling normal. I never feel normal. I do try to distract myself with mundane tasks. I work in the yard (I love flowers and gardening), I try to go to the gym (that one is a little hard) and I play video games. I don't try to get people to accept me or like me. I have never really cared what people think of me. I would rather have one friend who knows me and loves me than a bunch of friends that don't know the real me and fake friendships. I used to be always unhappy, never really happy. The medication I have been taking has allowed me to have some good days. Hopefully I'm on the path to at least partial happiness. At this point that would be tremendous. Let's talk about you now. What are your interests? You say you know they are different from most people, what are they? You married, single, divorced? Any kids? Where do you live? How long have you suffered from your depression? Talk to me.
 
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dwashvp replied to 7Shorty50's response:
Well I'm early 40s I'm married, been married 19 years. I have two girls 18, and 13. I have a great career with good salary, we own a home with 2 cars. I think I've been depressed all of my life. I started seeking help three years ago. I changed my therapist about 6 months ago. It has helped a lot. I'm earning my phd now so I'm in school at night and I'm working on my dissertation. I love the theater, there are 4 new shows I wasn't to see I want to schedule to go but I always feel guilty. Most of the time I go to the theater alone, sometimes I take my girls. I love painting pottery. I love museums. Basically I'm corny. Oh and I have a new love of my life, my cavipoo, she's so precious and brought so much joy inall of our lives. She's cute all white like a marshmallow. I have two close friends, been friend for 24 years, we met in college. They don't know about my other life.
 
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dwashvp replied to dwashvp's response:
Hi are you there?
 
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7Shorty50 replied to dwashvp's response:
I am here. I'm trying to respond but having computer problems. I tried a couple of times. I will keep trying. I don't have access to a computer on the weekends so I can't check in, but I am here now.
 
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7Shorty50 replied to dwashvp's response:
I don't think you're so corny. One of my favorite past times is playing Call of Duty on Xbox. That wouldn't sound bad but I am 39 years old. Pretty nerdy! I also enjoy gardening, planting plants and vegetables, working in the yard (when it is warm), painting (anything) and reading. I have only been to 1 play (Wicked) and I loved it. I would like to see The Lion King. Between myself and my boyfriend we have 5 kids (only 1 girl), 2 dogs, 1 snake and a 250 gallon fish tank full of exotic fish. My life is really chaotic. As you can see, I have a lot of people that depend on me. That is why I try to pretend that I am fine. They need me and I don't want to bring them down with me. I too have been depressed most of my life. I was in total denial though. It finally became too much and I just started getting help in January of this year. Hopefully I'm on the path to being somewhat happy. So how are you doing today? How was your weekend? I'm glad I am talking with you. It's nice.
 
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dwashvp replied to 7Shorty50's response:
I like gardening too. I need to play catch up, i have a flower bed full of weeds and other unwanted plants. i had a bad weekend, i thought it was going good but then yesterday, i lost control due to a disagreeement with my husband. yesterday i began it cut. i started on my arm, its badly bruised now, when i was doing it it felt good to take everything out on me. now Im badly bruised, some of those feelings are gone, i dont want to continue to cut that would bring to much attention to me but for now it is a releaae.
 
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7Shorty50 replied to dwashvp's response:
I'm so sorry you had a bad weekend sweetie. I don't mean to be totally nosey, but does your husband and your girls know that you cut yourself? I understand the need for release, but maybe you can involve yourself in the things you like to distract you from the thoughts of cutting yourself. Can you call your girlfriends and just talk? Or can you go spend a girls day with your girls, do some shopping, get your nails done or go see a movie? Maybe girl time will distract you. It will at least get you away from the source of your frustration for a while. I wish I could give you the magical advice, but I'm not a pro at this. I have never cut myself. I'm a total whimp and don't think I could do it. When I feel bad, really bad, I hide in my room and play Xbox. Or I put my Ipod in my ears and go for a walk or go work in the yard. Its not my miracle cure, but redirects my focus. I will be here for you any time you want to chat. I will borrow my daughter's computer and check in on the weekends too, if I can. I don't want you to hurt yourself. Your too good for that.


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