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hard time. need to vent
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chrissyzajac posted:
so my bf and i have been dating for almost 3 years. 1 year ago i got preggo. after a while i found out that when i was on my florida trip (i got preggo almost immediately after i got back) that he was planning on breaking up with me from. then baby came and he decided not to, hes got anger issues. he says he'd never lay a hand on me but for someone that gets mad quickly, throws things across the room, punches holes in walls, and only threatens to throw stuff at me im scared one day he will. last night we got into another big fight where i take all my hidden feelings and tell him everything, he gets pissed and argues back, he tells me he doesnt want me to leave but acts like hes not in love with me anymore, and NEVER wants to be with me in public, blah blah blah. i know i need to get out of this relationship cuz weve done this dance 4 times now and it never gets better. he says if i leave with my daughter he'll report me for kidnapping. i called the cops to see if he could get away with it. they said since we arnt married she is legally MINE and he cant take her from me. that finally made me get the courage to leave knowing i wont lose her and his history of holes in walls from anger and whatnot, ill win any custody. his ENTIRE family is on my side 100% which helps a LOT. problem is i plan on packing up and leaving while hes at work and tell him im gone when im a ways away (i moved to SC from OH). it kills me to know he wont get a proper goodbye with his daughter and im still completely in love with him. but if i told him i was leaving he'd either yank her from my arms and leave or take 1 of his 2 guns and kill my moms bf (hes threatened to do it b4 but only to me). my mom and her bf are taking the 15 hour drive here on a moments notice to help me out. i know i need to get away for not only safety but my mental health (i know im clinically depressed, just dont take my pills anymore. he wont let me). but he came home from work just recently and is being nice and whatnot. that makes me regret leaving. i will leave tomorrow but i need to know what im doing is right. i need support.. i have no friends here so its not like i have a shoulder to cry on. give me your input please
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lexismom11 responded:
It sounds to me as if he has anger and control problems. That's not a healthy environment for anyone to live in. Even though you have a child with him, that does not mean you have to stay. It sounds to me as if you know what you need to do, but need some support.

Just because he comes home and is nice to you for one day, doesn't mean he's not going to punch a hole in the wall later on tonight. You have not only yourself to look out for, but your daughter as well. For both of your sakes, it may be time to move on. Don't be afraid to be without him because any environment where you have to fear for your safety is unhealthy. You would be better off just you and your daughter. It's not an easy life per say, but it would be healthier for you. I am a single parent of a six year old so I know what it's like to be the only parent in the home. Trust me when I say you can do it without him. You don't need to expose yourself and your daughter to his anger issues.

You can't allow his threats of taking your daughter worry you. You are her birth mother and unless you are doing something wrong, you won't lose her. Maybe when he works on his issues, he can have a relationship with his daughter, but for now you have to make the tough decisions. If this means he doesn't get a proper goodbye right now, then that's what it'll be. Again, your safety and her well being are your number one priority.

My sister went through a similar situation except she has two boys and her husband had real anger issues including punching holes in walls and threatening her. She eventually made him leave when she was fed up and has learned that she deserves better. So does her children. Now she is engaged to a man who would never think of laying a hand on her or the kids. It is possible for you to find a person who will treat you right.

I hope this helps you a little bit.
 
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susiemargaret responded:
hello, C --

you are doing the right thing -- get out of there, NOW! and then don't let your boyfriend know where you are. in fact, i would not tell anyone where you are except perhaps your mother and her boyfriend, and you must persuade them not to tell anyone, either. if you don't tell people, they can't accidentally let it slip to someone who might tell your boyfriend.

for mail, get a post office box, then arrange for its mail to be forwarded to a second post office box, at a second post office. this will make it harder to find you in case your boyfriend figures out where you are and starts haunting the post office.

in addition to the help you will get from your mother and her boyfriend, you might call the women's shelter where you are and ask for advice on how to arrange things.

violent people don't get less violent, C; they only get more violent. you need to get out of there before your and your daughter's lives are in danger.

i send you caring thoughts. when things calm down, please let us know how you are doing.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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chrissyzajac responded:
todays the the big day. im packing up and getting out today. after dealing with with this for 2 years and just ignoring it cuz i love him too much, ive been crying a lot today, sad that i wont get to cuddle him (although rare to begin with), or really have a relationship at all with him. his ex sarah left him in a bad way too and after 3 years of no talking whatso eer they are just now talking. i HATE HATE HATE that im hurting him this much and that theres a lil one involved its only gonna hurt more and make it worse. i just really really hope he doesnt come home while im packing and my parents are here. i KNOW something bad will happen. please pray all goes well and smooth. at least for the packing up and getting out quietly part... i really need it.
 
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lexismom11 replied to chrissyzajac's response:
Just keep reminding yourself of why you are doing this. He has had many opportunities to correct his actions. Since he hasn't changed, you shouldn't feel bad about leaving him. You certainly shouldn't be worried about how he will feel.

Just pack up and leave as quickly as possible to avoid running into him. If he does show up you can always call the police to assist. They can make sure you get all of your things without him interfering.

You will find someone else who will be there for you the right way. Someone who won't be abusive or threatening. Take care and let us know how everything goes and that you got out safely.
 
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lazydazey replied to chrissyzajac's response:
Honey don't let anything stop you from leaving! And if you are afraid he might show up while you are getting your stuff together to leave, call the police and ask that an officer be present in case he does show up, explain it is a domestic violence situation. You deserve better, and your child does too! Honey, I've been where you are...but I decided to stay, and it almost cost me my life-get out of there, find someplace far away and safe, and get some counseling, you could probably get it free at a domestic violence shelter.
Love is never about being afraid someone is going to put a hole in you instead of the wall...take care and may God bless you and keep you and your child safe.
 
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chrissyzajac responded:
so i left yesterday around 1pm. he didnt show up but called me 2 or 3 hours later crying like a lil baby begging me to come back. saying i crushed him. and i believe it. i took the family (his daughter) doctors told him he couldnt have (truth). i feel soooooo bad and wish i could turn back but i know he wont change. he told me we'd get counseling and everything. now hes in the stage where hes mad and hurt at the same time. his boss and best friends are even asking whats really going on. they see his side and my side. it hurts sooo much to leave him. but high stress makes me not want to eat. today would be day 4... guess its a way to get rid of the extra pounds i gained from depressed sitting on the couch and eating cuz i was bored, not hungry, etc...
 
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lexismom11 replied to chrissyzajac's response:
I'm glad to hear everywent went well as far as getting out of there. I would expect that he will call you quite a bit hoping you will come back. It may be hard, but you have to keep saying no and continue to find a better way to live for yourself and your daughter. You will feel sad and guilty for leaving, but there is a reason why you left. Keep that in mind when he is begging you to come back.

I hope you will find out very soon that your life is less stressful without him and you will be able to function better. Nothing is going to be perfect, but at least you will have piece of mind that you are giving yourself and your daughter a chance at happiness.
 
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An_204199 responded:
Please stop taking his calls. He can be just as abusive on the phone as in person. Only talk to him if you are ordered by a court to pass info on about your daughter.

I know it is sad when a child can't know their other parent, but safety needs to come first. I never talked bad about my son's father; he was a looser but has matured into a somewhat better parent. My son figured out for himself that his dad was not a person he should use as a roll model. Your daughter is young enough that she shouldn't remember this time in her life.

Please be safe.
 
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talanaa2 replied to An_204199's response:
opps, Role was spelled incorrectly. Sorry
 
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chrissyzajac responded:
so my first day away from him and back in my parents house... i remember why i moved out in the first place. this place just screams stress. you can feel it. not to mention my lil brother and sister dont listen and i dont want sophie acting like them. i really miss having my own apt and sophie having her own room. but im happy my friends and family are near me now. ive talked to my babys daddy, still wants to work it out. i dunno. 1/2 says yes cuz its what im used to and i had a normal routine me and sophie were used to but more of me says no. but now that ill most likely say no, i have no clue on how ill afford a lawyer for custody... i know he'll get one. and even tho i have a really good chance at winning, im still terrifyed that i wont.
 
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lazydazey replied to chrissyzajac's response:
First of all, since you weren't legally married to him, a paternity test would probably have to be done before he had a chance at custody; second, since he has anger management issues and was abusive to you, I really doubt he has much chance of getting custody-MAYBE supervised visits, but not custody. And courts don't like taking babies away from their Mom unless it is a horribly abusive situation and there is no other option.
 
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susiemargaret replied to chrissyzajac's response:
hello, C --

you are doing the right thing.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.


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