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    dunno what to do :( soooooo confused
    chrissyzajac posted:
    heres a link to my other post explaining everything thats happening. (read my replys too)

    he keeps asking me to come back cuz hes changed now. says hes willing to do what it takes to keep me and sophie there. his boss even garuenteed 1 day off a week so we can do something together. i do miss him. i miss having the routene i had, miss my bed that i had to leave behind, and i miss the fact that i didnt have to work. if i stay in town with my family i lose him, ill have to go to work, live with my mom for a long while (this house is sooo stressful to begin with- they force me to babysit my younger sis and bro everyday like i dont have a life to live. and when i dont babysit they get mad or when i want time to myself which is when sophies asleep at night, they use that as an i owe them. they dont have to do anything, shes sleeping. ugh...) i want to stay with my friends and family cuz for the first in 6 months im out of the house and having fun but i want to go back to him. im soo torn between it i dunno what to do. please help me deep inside me i know whats right but im just so split between my heart (whats right) and my head (whats not)
    chrissyzajac responded:
    ill also be afraid that if i go back to SC with him, im worried im only going back for wrong reasons (cuz i feel bad for him, etc..) , ill end up wanting to stay on the couch like i was for 6 months and not want to make new friends or get out of the house. also scared that if i want to leave again cuz it gets worse, ill be stuck there next time. i know im terrified of being alone and scared of change.
    susiemargaret replied to chrissyzajac's response:
    hello, C --

    listen to your own self -- in this post and your earlier ones -- to get your decision.

    reasons to go back, but reasons to stay away

    -- you miss boyfriend, but he was already planning to break up with you until you got pregnant,

    -- you feel sorry for boyfriend for losing daughter, but you might not be able to leave if you change your mind again,

    -- you miss boyfriend, but the two of you have already broken up and gotten back together four times and it is worse each time,

    -- boyfriend says he would never be physically abusive to you, but has already done physical damage to house and has threatened you, your mother, and your mother's boyfriend,

    -- your parents' house is stressful, but boyfriend's house is stressful,

    -- you miss daily routine of being with boyfriend, but he won't show affection in public and says he isn't in love with you any more,

    -- you miss hanging out with friends and are afraid of being alone, but might isolate yourself and not want to make new friends,

    -- you know you are depressed, but he won't "let" you take the meds you need,

    -- you miss your bed, but may end up sleeping on couch for another 6 mos,

    -- you miss not working, but how long do you think your undependable boyfriend will continue to support you?

    -- scared of change versus won't have to change.

    of course, i'm not you, but it seems to me that every single reason you have for going back is countered by a very good reason why you should not or a very good reason why going back will not solve the problem you are concerned about.

    the only comparison that is even close in my mind is your missing not having to work and your not having to change. but these are things that every grownup has to face, and you are a grownup now; you have a one-yr-old daughter.

    you cannot expect to stay with your parents forever, but going back with your boyfriend is not your only other choice. what about getting a roommate? what about looking for a roommate with a small child, then you could switch off sitting for each other's children while each of you went out. what about finding a job with employer-sponsored day care?

    what about asking your parents to help support you for just a few months, until you get settled in a different situation? do you have aunts, uncles, other relatives, who might also be able to help? what about even your boyfriend's parents?

    what about petitioning a court to grant child support? and don't wait until he sues for custody, just go ahead and do it (i agree with the posts in your other thread, , saying that the chances of your boyfriend's getting custody are zero). if you don't know who to get as a lawyer, call the women's shelter and ask who they recommend.

    C, you know what you need to do. there are pros and cons in every decision, but in my view the pros here far outweigh the cons.

    we will give you advice and emotional support no matter what you decide; our own support is not conditional on your doing what anyone here thinks you should do. but you asked for advice, and this is mine.

    i send you and your sweet girl caring thoughts; please keep us posted on how you are doing.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    An_204216 replied to susiemargaret's response:
    Everything Susie Margaret has posted is the absolute truth, please listen to her, for your sake, and your child. No one but you can make this decision, but an abuser doesn't get "all better" because you left....

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