Depression Community

Ya know, my husband and I had the same argument this morning. He doesn't understand that my libido seems out of my control and that it's not that I don't love him or am not attracted to him. He stopped telling me to "just be happy" a long time ago tho...I hated that!! It's like he thought I WANTED to feel bad...like it was my choice. It's not something you can just turn off and on. Maybe he should read up on the subject and learn a few things before he decides he's an expert! My husband isn't completely understanding, but over the years he's gotten much better. He doesn't try to blame my depression on me anymore...and he understands that it's something I struggle with everyday. I think he just tends to take it personally and wonders what he's doing wrong, or starts thinking it's something that it isn't. I just try to reassure him that I love him and I try to give him attention and affection, even tho I may not feel like it. I think it's just hard on everyone in it's own way....good luck!!

Your husband's need to go see your therapists with you. Then he will understand depression better.

That's what my husband did and he understands much better.

Good luck
BB

My husband is the one with the depression. I try to understand its hard to know how your feeling all the time.
My husbands mother said that quite a few times his reply was if I could dont you think I would..

As the other person mentioned see if your spouse will go with to try & understand its not so easy.

You are missing the point. Sex is about intimacy, not orgasms. You don't need to have a sex drive to achieve true initmacy. You can achieve true intimacy even if depressed, and it might make you feel better if only due to the renewed connection and the sense of giving your spouse (male or female) pleasure. If you see a sex therapist she can teach each of you to enjoy sexual intimacy even if it is not what it used to be - books might help, but will be harder. If each person focuses on the right thing, whether it is simply the connection of sexual touching, mutual masturbation, or oral sex, or the joy of giving the other person pleasure, and each one accepts the fact that things may not work like they used to, then you can still enjoy it. In short, the lack of a sex drive is just an excuse for not knowing how to be intimate in a new way, and this gets in the way of what is still there for you.

I think you are full of it. I know how to be intimate with my husband, we are intimate in many different ways except sexually because I have severe depression and I have absolutely no interest in sex anymore at all. I used to be a very sexual person and quite promiscuous at times. Now there just isn't any sex drive at all, I don't even masterbate any more, something I used to do frequently. It has been 2 years since my husband and I have had sex, and he always thought that he was the problem, that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. Of course that was not it, I don't really know why, I am on a mountain of medications from depression to fibro. to osteoarthritis and several things in between including bipolar. There's no telling what is doing it, it could be several things. The point I wanted to make is that you can't really believe that all these people don't know how to be intimate with their spouses or significant other. If there is no desire to make love than that's all there is to it, you can't even think about giving your spouse pleasure, the thought of it never even enters your mind. It just doesn't feel right and I can't bring myself to do it. I love my husband very much and I feel bad for him and pray he doesn't go elsewhere for it.

Lisa

my hubby says that all the time, but we have sex 5-6 times a week. I went through menopause and now I just don't have a drive anymore, and hormones aren't the answer for everything.I tell him it's not him he's 'all that' and he's still insecure about it. He wants me to jump all over him and that went away with age. I just wish he would grow up and see more mature love.

He sees too much tv actors and their sex scenes and that just not real life!!!

Hello,
I understand very well what some of the men are going thru as I'm one of those that live with out sex.I'm a medical Retiree with Fibromyalgia,Peripheral Neuropathy in both legs 7 arms as well Arthritis on top of that. i started to have problems in my late 20's didn't get much help until 1995 when President Clinton signed a new law to force Dr. to help people with pain.

Problem with heavy drugs is that they have so many side affects. In Jan of 2009 I had a Experimental Neuro Implant installed in my spine along with a Battery in the hip to Power it.That was the first real help I rec'd from the Neuro Surgeons then a year later I had 2 additional neuro implants installed.This is where my Life has began to be almost normal as I had no Pain but I'm still extremely weak .If anyone wants to check it on line. THANK YOU ----------LEON
PS. poweroveryourpain dot com

hi, lisa, (i'm sorry if i'm doing this improperly according to form, so if i'm not doing it right, just somebody let me know, and what the correct way should be and i'll be able to learn), the topic as it came down through WebMD certainly sparked an interest, and it's been enlightening reading from the top on down, and truly sympathize with your situation. I suffered major depressive disorder that dwindled to just absolute non-function, and my sex drive went down to none well before the rest of my emotional state hit bottom. Of course with all of life turning to grey etherial slush (to my perception) the whole of my life was the priority concern. What was paramount to me was trying to get on top of or a leg up on the depression (and not the factors and issues that it caused/created), though those were always what was being pushed, with backwards rationalizations, insisting that the circumstances which the depression caused were the cause of the depression (which is so easy for others to say, since they only look at what they have an interest in seeing, or for what they want to see, but don't have to experience anything from the inside, much less live with that experience all the time). It's an easy way out for people to avoid doing two things, the first is obviously, to put aside what they want and can't get or get you to do as a result of the depression (which in pursuing only reinforces the depression), and the second is even harder for others to even attempt, much less seriously engage, namely to try to submerge into a depressed mindset and have a look at why they can not do things, or don't want to. Instead people relate depression to something they "got over" in the past, usually a state related to an event or incident, and remember, yeah, it was hard, but i got over it, and so will you ... (that's the most pervasive full-of-it-ness that gets thrown at depression, and it's nothing but self-gratifying insult). I wasn't in an [intimate type> relationship, much less married during the years of my decent, but none-the-less had my personal relationships, parents, friends, family, etc. And so i was spared getting pushed for sex, but was getting it for everything else. And i can certainly say that if the same efforts that went into trying to get me to do things in spit of or that were already diminished by the depression, had been applied to overcoming the depression itself, the rest would have resumed/restored itself, the drives, activities, interests, work, all elements, would have resumed as the brain improved, and probably they would have come back stronger than ever. And there is no magic cure, fix or miracle treatment that somebody can call on. Anyone concerned has to be as much a part of the difficult and complicated process of being the recovery in action, not pushing you, but pushing themselves. That's what love and care for someone is. Caring, and carrying forth that what is worth everything is living, really living, fully. That, to me, is knowing love. (sorry, that may have wound up just turning out to be 2? worth from a soap box. i'll try to do better, but hopefully there was something useful that i wrote)

You must be married to my husband, because clueless doesn't even begin to describe it. My husband doesn't care if I'm happy, he just wants me to stop bitchin and complaining and act like a wife and mother.

Maybe if I didn't have to take care of everything in his home, try to make ends meet with the $2 we get each month, and drop everything while I'm working (I work from home) because the laundry needs to be done or the dishes are piled up, just makes me want to puke.

I'm so sick and tired of him laying on his ass, playing solitare on the computer, while I'm trying to make money. He doesn't work becuase of a physical disability, but he gets around fine when it suits his needs. He thinks because he gets SSDI, he doesn't need to do anything around here, because that's his equavalent of earning money through working. I've got to pick up the slack, so I went back to school at the age of 50 and finally got my degree, oh with a 3.7 GPA I might add. What does he say? Why did it take me so long to do it, and how come it takes me days to write one lousy paper or a report, etc
His highness could do it better and faster. I keep betting him, but we all know he won't, because he can't.

As far as the sex goes, well, first of all yes there's the antidepressants, which sure make the one enjoyable thing in life, impossible. Then, when I quit smoking I gained 40 lbs so I hate the way I look and am trying to take it off, so I don't "feel" sexy. After I went rhough menopause things changed too, and the biggest reason is he disgusts me. Sit around all day in pajama bottoms, snores so loud you guys can probably hear it, pees in a cup in the kitchen, and makes disgusting noises when he blows his nose, etc. I've told him a million times if he wants it do something tomake me want you. Depressed as I am, I still usually manage to shower and put on some makeup. I try to look human at least, but he looks like an old brillo pad, gray kinky hair.Won't go get a professional haircut, cause he's playing martyr, but will spend $500 on a keyboard (musical) I've got a closet full of hair color, all he has to do it put it on his head, but if he wants to look like hes 75 instead of 58, fine, I'm not going to join in.

And that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I have the same problem with my boyfriend, father, and other members of my family who don't know why I can't 'snap out of it.'
I suggest you let him read up on it a little bit. Sometimes knowledge can help someone understand better. Or are you seeing a therapist? Sometimes letting them go with you to talk helps.