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    deeperin2 posted:
    I can't tell my family, friends or even my doctor how bad I've gotten. I know they would try to have me hospitalized. I can't let that happen. I'm afraid to call a "help" line for the same reasons. All roads lead me to the same end. Who do you talk to when you can't talk to anyone? When you can't trust anyone?
    lostsouls49 responded:
    you and u are in the same boat, reading what you wrote. was like looking at me, i am pretty bad too. i just spend most of the time crying, i dont know the answer to that, what is scares me that no one cares
    Adonna0 replied to lostsouls49's response:
    I too know how you feel. It is so hard to let other people in on your very personal and private life. And somethings are just hard (too hard) to talk about. I finally let one person in on mine. A good friend, she asked why I wasn't sleeping. I told her I stay up all night, just can't sleep. I said, "Do you want to see what I do at night while I'm awake?" I told her I get on WebMD and write about how I feel. I told her she could read and try to figure out which one was me (since I usually post anonymously.

    Next thing I know, she was where I work. We went outside and she asked how she could help. I was a little embarassed, but I was glad when I found that she had felt some of the same things I was feeling. And she was there to help, to listen, to understand, and to be a friend, and someone I could confide in. I now have an appointment some time next week to see a therapist for the first time.

    It is so scary though allowing someone to know details about yourself that are personal.

    People do care....we just don't reach out and find it because of what we think other people will think of us, because we are afraid and embarassed and untrusting. I suffered in silence for a long time, trying to hide what was going on. Trying to hide the fact that I did not even want to be on this earth any more, that life was just too hard for me.

    I do hope you find someone to talk with. It is hard to do. I am glad I did reach out.

    In the meantime, we are all here for you. We are all listening, and we all care.

    God Bless YOu
    momuv4girls replied to lostsouls49's response:
    Its not that no one cares, its that you THINK no one cares, two very different things.

    I'm sorry you and deeperin2 are feeling this way *hugs*

    There are ways you can feel better, baby steps, and each day make a baby step.

    Take a homeless person some food.
    Go to a nursing home and bring flowers.
    Go to the SPCA and spend some time with the animals.
    Go to the local homeless shelter and talk.

    Then make the Dr. appt. you need to make and go.

    Thinking outside your world is enlightening and necessary otherwise you just wallow in yourself and that is very unhealthy.

    I know depression is dark and ugly and meds are super important - but so is self-care.

    Go out and do something out of your norm today, you'll be proud of yourself and others will too, I promise.

    ((((((((((((((Big Hugs & Support)))))))))))))))
    deeperin2 replied to lostsouls49's response:
    I don't cry, I can't. My family cares, I know. but I can't be hospitalized. it isn't safe for me. I can't go into why. Hang in there Lostsouls49 and I will also. Take care and stay safe
    lostsouls49 replied to deeperin2's response:
    thanks, i told you this to let you know that your not alone in how you feel, if there is something to give you and get help then take it.
    deeperin2 replied to lostsouls49's response:
    Thanks for your and everyones response. I don't feel quite so alone. I don't want to worry my adult children so I try and hide how really depressed I am. I'm afraid my work would use my depression as a reason to fire me. I have been sent for a "fitness of duty eval" before. It is not something I wish to repeat. Makes everything worse. If I were to be hospitalized I'm sure this info would make it back to my work. (Whether it was voluntary or not) I could very possibly lose my job. I may not be safe physically in a crisis stabilization unit. (My job again) So I really have no one. You are here for me...but you aren't. Understand what I am trying poorly to say?
    joynevercomes2me replied to deeperin2's response:
    deeper...i understand exactly what you're saying. we can be "here" for each other, but when we really NEED someone, there's either no one online, or we can't access a computer.

    i don't have anyone to talk to other than my therapist, and that's only for one hour one day a week. the rest of the time it's just me and my dog. i talk to him and myself alot, but that's not good because he doesn't talk back and i can't talk myself out of the darkness.

    i don't trust anyone either. i've been very deeply hurt by everyone i've ever opened up to, so i'm very closed. i'm working on trusting my therapist, but it's really hard.

    i understand having to hide your depression, i have to do that, too. i have no support from my family (parents, siblings), so i can't let them see how bad it gets so i either stay away from them or try to put on a good show.

    about your job...i don't think they can fire you for having a mental illness or being treated for it, in or out of a hospital. i was hospitalized last october for 5 days, and expected to get out and not have a job (i worked with children), but i was told by the nurses and staff at the hospital that they can't fire you for this stuff. my employer just required a letter from the hospital psychiatrist saying i was capable of working with children. companies have to show actual evidence that they have a concrete reason to fire someone, and it can't be related to your mental illness. it all falls under the American Disabilities Act. you might want to check out the policies held by your company for future reference, though.

    well, i guess i've rambled enough. just wanted to let you know i understand how you feel. ~joy

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