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    Feeling like a hostage
    az330 posted:
    I am trapped in my own thoughts. I am a prisoner of my own brain. Today has been very emotional for me. Very bittersweet today. I can't seem to breathe. I have been sighing all day to get a little relief, My chest feels like its gonna explode. My feelings are holding me hostage and I don't know how much more I can take. Does anyone out there ever have these days. HELP!!!! I feel so confused.
    something09 responded:
    I don't know if this helps at all, but I know exactly how you feel. I have these days a lot, and I usually try to distract myself when I start feeling like I'm about to panic, like I play my guitar or try and read, or if I'm really down and can't bring myself to do anything, I just turn on the tv or computer and watch shows. It sort of numbs all the bad feelings.
    az330 replied to something09's response:
    I just can't do it anymore. I can't get out of this cycle. I am so angry. I hate myself. My hand is throbbing from punching the wall!!! Its the only thing that is relieving my pain on the inside. The more I try to take a step foward the more I fall back. I am too angry to cry.
    rosana11 responded:
    Yes, I know how you feel, only that for me it is like that every day.
    Mohandas Gandhy once said: A man is but the produce of his thoughts, what he thiks, he becames.
    Try not to became your thoughts at less are good for your soul.
    Wish I could help more, the truth is that I'm looking for help myself.
    Chris_WebMD_Staff replied to az330's response:
    What's going on? Did you reach out for help? You need to if you have not, or get to an ER. Here is this list of Crisis Assistance.

    I'm so sorry you are having a more than difficult time right now. I'm glad you are talking to us. (((hugs)))
    Chrissy~ When the world says, Give up, Hope whispers, Try it one more time. ~Author Unknown
    az330 replied to Chris_WebMD_Staff's response:
    I had my appointment yesterday. She asked me alot of question. She asked me a simple question about being abused and It all just rushed me. It felt like I got swept away by a big wave. It set me off...... It triggered something inside of me. I walked out of my therapists office. I couldnt stop thinking about it and the years of being scared and lonely. The questions I have can never be answered. The rage came over me. The destructiveness came out and yeah I had quite a mess to clean today. I started punching the wall. I couldn't stop. It was relieving my pain. I have been trying to catch my breath all day. The pressure in my chest is a constant. I don't know what do now?? I am so disappointed in myself.. Im sad today The only thing in life I strive for is to be happy and remain happy. I am tired of this cycle I want off of this roller coaster ride.
    susiemargaret replied to az330's response:
    hello, AZ --

    i'm glad you went to the therapist even tho it brought up many horrible memories. the way to exorcise these memories, tho, is not to punch the wall; it is to go back to the therapist.

    you don't have to talk about anything you are not ready to talk about. no one can make you talk about anything you are not ready to talk about. maybe it would be easier simply to start with talking about ways you can keep your anxiety at a manageable level? please don't give up; you've done one of the hardest steps by deciding to see a therapist in the first place.

    finally, and this is not meant to be frivolous, but it might be both less painful and less expensive to punch a pillow instead of the wall, or at least to put a pillow (or two) between your hand and the wall.

    i send you caring thoughts and hope that you can get some relief soon. i know you are in terrible emotional pain.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    az330 replied to susiemargaret's response:
    Susie-Thank you for responding. Thank you all for responding. I have been reading thru other posts and realize I am not alone. Its been a difficult journey to this point. Im nervous of whats come. This therapy thing is so new to me. I let my anger get the best of me. My mind goes a million miles a minute and I get frustrated when I can't get it out. My therapist is still learning about me. I realize I need to find another way to get my anger out. Its something to talk about when I go back to her this week. I am still second guessing myself. I hope I am doing the right thing.
    susiemargaret replied to az330's response:
    hello, AZ --

    you are doing the right thing. i know it's scary, but you can do this.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    az330 replied to susiemargaret's response:
    Thank You Susie for the words of encouragement. I am sad today.
    angelaok replied to az330's response:
    Az Hi. I know this sounds wierd, but , you may feel really alone now where you are, but there are people out here who feel the same feelings as you. Including me. Keep reaching out. Even with small steps.Sooner or later it's gotta help.
    Anon_231361 responded:
    Here's a few things I do when I'm in one of these funks that you're describing:

    Overall I remind myself that there are 2 parts of me; the emotional and the logical. I figure that the emotional is telling me everything is hopeless and there's nothing I can do and is thus obscuring the thoughts of my logical side. From there I think to myself what my logical side would say. Usually I realize that it would tell me that none of this is permanent or hopeless, even if it feels that way. I'm not really alone and I'm not really going to lose the ability to connect with all my loved ones, even though it feels that way, and so on.

    I've found that this alone isn't usually enough though. Part of the problem for me is that the emotional and negative thoughts stated above cycle through my head. I start off thinking about something like, "I can't get along with my mother". This becomes too painful to think about so I move on to, "My close friend won't talk to me." It goes on like this until I feel just like you described.

    I figured out that a way to disrupt these thoughts and give my logical side a fighting chance was to write them all down. By taking the time to list them out on paper, it makes me think about it longer and physically see it. For me, being able to really think about these things for longer than a few seconds at a time gives the logical side a chance to counteract them. For instance: "Maybe my friend won't talk to me, but I still have other friends who care about me and aren't mentally unstable enough to cut off contact with me."

    Basically what I'm describing is a "free-write". I write down every thought that pops into my head. It usually starts out sounding hopeless and desperate and leads into the logical side counteracting it and concludes with "I know that even though I'm unhappy now, eventually I'll be okay again."

    I really hope that helps you, and as my doctor said to me, "hang in there."
    ABWood responded:
    Wow you are describing me - I have my ups and downs but this past two weeks- I just feel defeated- like a broken record -When you walk around with tears in your eyes all day and you need to appear that you are fine- my own worst enemy- my logical side is there but sometimes I just can't get to it- the biggest stressor currently? Money I find myself feeling like I am drowning and every time I almost get out someone comes and kicks me in the face. I find myself getting bitter and angry because really don't see how everyone else seems to live prosperously and be fine!?!? Or is it really not fine and they are just better than good at handling it? I have kept everything going for the last 12 years that I have been with my husband (common law) and I have always done what I had to do to make it and we always have-for this I know I am blessed yet every time a tight spot comes around I fall apart- why can't I trust myself enough to believe it when I tell myself that it will be ok- you don't have to be stuck in a web of anxiety but every time I lose my grip- the worst abuse is self abuse and the more you try to control everything in hope that all will then be well the worst you end up feeling because you cannot control everything- that would get boring after a while wouldn't it? Meds work really good most of the time and my panic attacks are pretty much under control these days- manic depressive? Cycothymia? Major anxiety order- severe self esteem and confidence issues- I have spent my entire life at least all my child hood wasting who I really was because I was so focused on who I should have been and who I could have been- it saddens me so- I never gave what I was chance-but knowing that is something I suppose"026sorry for the rambling bad day and two months of rain L
    ABWood replied to az330's response:

    Just curious- for the anger have you ever tried natural herbal relaxations teqniques (blink blink)?

    I only ask because I had not since high school but when I found that I couldn't even wash dishes without wanting smash them- I tried it and you what? My anger went away and I stopped squeezing my fists. It worked better than a Xanax and let's face it is all natural where any kind of pill is not- I also think when you look at it that way rather than a young kid looking to party the entire experience is different and I think that helped me relax more as well- and I do take pills- which sucks-
    ABWood replied to angelaok's response:
    <3- angelaok :' )

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