Skip to content

Announcements

Please take some time to click through these links to find out more about our community.

What is a Trigger and When to Trigger a Post
How and Why to Report a Post
Visit our Crisis Assistance Link for resources. For immediate help, call 911 or get to the ER.


Just Reality
avatar
onlysis posted:
[TRIGGER] I'm failing and so alone at the moment. I'm beyond tears and anger just hollow. When the family all comes to me I deal w/ their problems. I put on my "face" and go about like nothing is wrong. When I'm alone I fall apart and no longer trying. Yes I have tried to talk to them but it is always something they need me to deal w/ that is more important. I have quit my therapy why bother? Really it only made me feel worse talking about all the "bad" things. I will contnue to suffer alone and hope with each day I can still continue to get out of bed. What choice do I have I'm a mom of a 6 year old and that is what is expected of me. I'm to take care of everything as slowly I die inside more with each day. Who cares or notices me?
Reply
 
avatar
tabbow responded:
You sound like you're in real trouble. I am also a mother and during a 3 month severe crisis of depression and anxiety, it was my biggest concern. I had to be there for him (I'm a single mother). But stopping things is not the answer. You need to pull together your support system and get the help you and your child need. Talk to your therapist about trying medication to address your depression. Its what helped me. I have been on antidepresssants for almost 15 years and for the most part have been helped greatly. Something happened about 4 months ago (no need to get into what) that sent me spinning downward into a place that was so scary I'm still "shell shocked" by how bad it was. Very suicidal and considered in patient admission. Luckily after trying adjusting the dose of the meds I was on which didn't work - my psychiatrist switched me to Paxil (which I had used years ago) and after about 2 weeks I felt more like myself and things are still ok. My point is that it sounds like you need help from professionals. Trying to parent when you're in the grip of severe depression is extremely hard and I feel for you because I've been there. Please reach out and allow yourself to get the help you need. Good luck
 
avatar
onlysis replied to tabbow's response:
ok I'm going to try this again...I hit some stupid button and deleted the last post. Thanks for your kind words but it scares me when you say you have been on meds that long? I have tried the writing of journals, therapy, meds, and support groups. I reached out but only to be betrayed by the few people I never thought would do that to me. I truley have no one that takes me serious or wants to listen. I'm a lost soul that doesn't remember what it is like to have happiness. I was diagnosed 3 years ago and have been getting by. I'm truely afraid one day it will just crumble around me. My marriage is a joke to everyone and failing apart-both of us contributed to this. My nightmares are back from childhood trauma and with that so is my insomnia. This is only adding to my state of mental health. Why can I be so strong or fake in front of anyone but fall apart the minute I'm alone? Is it true what I read that I will deal w/ depression the rest of my life? I will never be accepted and truely have no one to listen to me. There is no worse feeling than that of being alone!
 
avatar
tabbow replied to onlysis's response:
First of all, my being on meds for so long is what I needed and still need. I developed severe depression in my 20's and started meds in my early 30's and for me it was what I needed. That may not be true for you, but if you haven't given medication a good try (prescribed by a specialist - psychiatrist), its definitely time. You say you've been dealing with this for 3 years and that's a long time to feel so bad. I did go off meds a couple times: the first when I got pregnant and I did well throughout the pregnancy, but immediately afterwards needed to go back due to postpartum depression and a couple summers ago I decided to stop and see where I was. I was ok for a couple months and then decended back into depression along with anxiety. I will tell you that with the right meds (usually two) I function and feel like a normal person most of the time. I can work and do very well, enjoy raising my son and basically control the darkness that is typical of my depression. To me its worth it. I also spent 10 years in therapy with a great therapist which helped me make good changes in my life. She moved about 7 years ago and I went without since that time. During my episode this summer (which I probably caused by going off one of my meds suddenly due to weight gain) I was in real trouble with severe depression and nearly constant anxiety. I could barely function and was scared I would take my own life. I worked closley with my doc and got it under control. I also realized I needed a therpist again and have found someone to work with. Its only been a couple weeks, but I have found it helpful. Its not the same as before, but its not easy to replace someone you were with for 10 years. I'm giving it a chance. I still have a lot of life issues I need to address that probably contribute to my depression (but for me its primarily chemical just like any other illness) specifically that I find it hard to let people in and then can feel lonely a lot of the time. I'm a single my by choice, and I don't regret my decision, but I also haven't had a relationship with man in 10 years. There are a lot of factors that go into that, but its probably something I should really work on, because I do think that having a partner (the right one) would enrich my life. Each of us has to figure out how to handle our depression. For you meds might be a temporary thing to give you a chance to make some other changes, or it might be something you need for a longer period of time. You won't know until you're in it. Regardless, from your posts you're in trouble and when in trouble the answer to me is to get help. I'll be looking for any response from you. I usually check once a day.
 
avatar
cowboyup53 replied to tabbow's response:
Onlysis; I don't know what you went through your childhood and beyone.I think I can guess what to you. I know that time just drags on with no relief insight. AS a child I was abused, as a teen I was sexualy and physical abuse and time drags on, My parents where my worst, my ex wife fit right in. I have been on drugs and thearpy for better than 12 years now. I moved from therapist to thearapist. Finally I found one that really cared for me. And we where together for several years. But time moves on, I found another, I asked if this was going to take lone to get me sraighten out, she said a life time. She told me the one thing that I was never given was uncondional LOVE. I think that is what you are missing in your life right now. I'll bet your son has some uncondional LOVE for you right now.I'll bet your son doesn't care what happened to you. I'm sure he still LOVES you give him a chance.I'm sending YOU my LOVE hoping that you will start again and again and again as many times as it takes to find the help you need and that uncondinal LOVE.

Love is that mistake ,but we don't care we will always Love you for who you are. You have done some great things in life, don't stop now, just start a little at a time. And when things go wrong just think of us as we still LOVE YOU cboy
 
avatar
tabbow replied to cowboyup53's response:
Onlysis, how are you? You haven't posted in a day or two.
 
avatar
onlysis replied to tabbow's response:
I'm holding my own. Work has been crazy as it seems to be that way lately to em. Everyone runs to me for there problems-I'm just the little peanut in the big circus I'm not the boss, I guess it's casue I get the results I don't know. Anyways let me clarify I have officialy been diagnosed w/ depression 3 years ago. About 15 years I think-I didn't feel wanted or happy I went to a therapist who really did me wrong I was told to get over myself, I just wanted people to feel sorry for me. I am so tired of feeling I'm being judged. Since then I have fought this battle myself-I can't say I really trust anyone wholely Even my current therapist tells me that the "wall" I have built is pretty thick, it is my defese to proctect myself from the world. It is my choice also not to let many people in. Coming from a divorced family I was 5 when it happend and "tossed" aside. Then around 6 I was raped. I'm not sure I know what love is. I try to give my son what think I know but sometimes I think I do more harm than good as I'm so withdrawn. This is the first place I have let more out than ever. Just typing those words make me want to throw up all over again. I'm tired of being judged and it seems everyone does not matter what. I too also choose not to let many people in, ya I have aquaintences but not many friends. I'm really glad you have taken the time to listen and show concern-thank you. It has helped me get through this week a little easier knowing someone also has been there and still going. I gotta run it's time for work.
 
avatar
tabbow replied to onlysis's response:
I guess holding your own is better than not, so I'm glad you're ok. Being raped as such a young child is a terrible trauma that I'm sure has had a huge impact on your life and your ability to trust. I was date raped as an adult women, but I don't think it can compare to the trauma of being molested at such a young age. Trust and the ability to let people in is truly difficult, but I think sometimes its at the core of feeling connected to the world. That was one of the main things I worked on with my first therapist during those years and I guess I'm lucky that I do in fact have some close friends that I feel love for and that love me, but its still a battle. Like your therapist told you about "huge walls", I have very large boundaries around me which still keeps me separate from others much of the time.

I also have trouble feeling valued, which I think comes from my up bringing. My mother (a single mom) loved us but could be very cold and manipulative. Both of my siblings have issues with trust and depression, but I got the worst of it, maybe because I'm the only girl. Like I told you in a previous post, I'm a single mom by choice. I had my son 9 years ago, when I was in a very good place. I think I've done well raising him and being there for him, but it is hard to constantly have to be present and meet his needs which as a child never stop. He has ADHD which can make things even harder. I think the fact that you also have a child is what drew me to your post and your story.

I wish you all the best and hope that you can find a way out of your darkness. If I can help, I'm here.

I'm not pushing you towards meds, but for me it is the only way to keep the beast of depression under control. This summer during my last crisis I was in a very dark place - feeling very suicidal and had to do everything to get back because I knew I couldn't leave my son and damage him so severely. The only way for me was with meds and now that I'm in a better place I am so grateful. It doesn't mean I still don't have issues, but I'm living to fight another day.
 
avatar
onlysis replied to tabbow's response:
Crazy lonely me I don't know what I was thinking. I still do take meds just not for depression. My panic attacks were getting so bad that I have to take meds for them. They have worked the best for me even in dealing with the depression. All the other meds I tried while working with a pychristriat did not work for me in the long run. We tried many giving each new pill it's time to work, I just never did feel "right" on any of them. I will be out of town this weekend, famliy event, every time I do this I get more down. I feel my family never really cares about me. I just hope this time it is different and I can hold my head up high. My son enjoys the camping trip and to him he knows not of the struggles I will endear to see his smile each day. I'm still fighting the battle for another day.
As I also feel we have a common bond with our sons I will also be here for you.
 
avatar
tabbow replied to onlysis's response:
Try to have a good weekend and enjoy the time with your son. Reply back to this post when you get home if you want to continue to talk, or just post your feelings in a new post to get them out and if I see your username I'll read it. Good luck and remember you're not alone.
 
avatar
onlysis replied to tabbow's response:
I hope you had a good labor day weekend. I'm just getting back from the horse show and then left right away for work to a week long conference. My emotions are all over the place and to top it off I broke my rib over labor day when I fell off a horse. I love horses and my niece and I had a blast even though I did get injured this time, my son even got a first place. I had to then leave by myself for work. While I was scared to take that adventure by myself I did survive and am back home now. Now that I have time to slow down I can't help but feel useless especially with my current injury. I'm just want to quit feeling so alone and keep facing all my challenges alone. I'm sure I will have many struggles in the week to come. A flower that's petals are slowly falling away.
 
avatar
tabbow replied to onlysis's response:
Glad to hear you're back. Sorry about your injury, but it sounds like you had a good time with your family during your trip. Unfortunately when we suffer from depression we do feel alone in our struggles and in many ways we really are alone. But there are people who love us. I can't post too much right now because I have to be somewhere. I'm glad you're back and I will write somemore later. Remember that you can write your feelings here on this board and people who truly understand are reading them. Terry
 
avatar
tabbow replied to tabbow's response:
Its evening time, how are you doing? Feeling any better? Broken ribs can be really painful, are you taking anything for the pain? Be nice to yourself and try to take it easy this week.
 
avatar
onlysis replied to tabbow's response:
I'm holding my own. I'm not taking any real pain meds just aleve. I figure I deserve to feel the pain and suffer. Taking it easy as much as I can but with a six year old there are things that have to be done. Very worried my depression will come back full force with me not being able to do much so I'm trying to stay busy so as to not let my mind think of how useless I really am now. It's only Tuesday and I'm ready to call it a week. How's your week?
 
avatar
RebaTrau responded:
you can call me if you like and talk to me I dont know if that will help you but if you want to try Im game at least you have your family tho mine booted me out am Im still tryn to figure out why?Im a mom of 4 ang grandma of 4 and dont see no one


Featuring Experts

Thomas L. Schwartz, MD, received his medical degree from and completed his residency in adult psychiatry at the State University of New York (SUNY) Up...More

Helpful Tips

Sexual Problems from Meds..What to do!Expert
Serotonin type antidepressants can cause 5-30% of the time- sexual problems such as no orgasm, impotence, no libido. Consider that ... More
Was this Helpful?
29 of 37 found this helpful

Related News

There was an error with this newsfeed

Related Drug Reviews

  • Drug Name User Reviews

Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.