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What do you do when you know you can't be a good mom? "May trigger*
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Jamie_W posted:
When it comes to the point you just have to realize you can't be a good mom, in fact you can barely be a mom at all. I love my kids and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here, they are the only thing that keeps the suicidal thoughts as just thoughts.
I love them, I love watching them grow and am so proud of them. But that's where it stops I feel like I am on the sidelines watching them grow. It is so hard for me to leave my basment office and join the family. When I do spend time with them I end up getting frustrated and literally being around them is like fingernails on a chalkboard. What kind of mother can't stand being around her own kids? They aren't siblings who fight all the time, many times they are jist playing loudly. But after a few minutes I can't take it, it's either walk away or scream.
Their dad is the opposite he loves to do things with them take them places, play with them and for that I am grateful, but to be honest I can't stand being around him either. We have our own issues mostly in the past but most times we start fighting if we are around eachother too long.
I've done counseling and tried different types of antideressants, they help somewhat but I have a hard time staying on them. A t what point to we desode as a mother. the kids are better off without you in there all time.
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onlysis responded:
I'm here to listen. I also have my doubts about my parenting ability but those days when my son says mom I love you it makes it worth it. How long have you tried staying with one medication? I'm also on medication for panic/anxiety and needs to be taken "as needed" maybe this is something you could also try if you have a hard time staying or remembering to take your meds. When I get to feeling frustrated this helps bring a calmness to me. Your kids will never be better off without their mother, even though you may not think you do anything with them you do many little things in the background for them. Have you tried journal writing, sometimes when you want to scream you can write to get it out?
 
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asb11 responded:
I think I know how you feel. I have one child, a girl, and sometimes I just don't want to be around her. Why? I love her, but depression and anxiety get the best of me. I also have low self esteem. When you said you feel like you are on the sideline watching them, that is a very good description. I have also tried many different things. Medication, Relaxation techniques, Herbals, and have trouble sticking with them. I also have just tried to be happy feel blessed as some say I should. Its just not that easy and my mind and body don't go there often. Thanks fo posting, and for reading this reply. Take care.
 
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Mamo1017 replied to asb11's response:
Hi everyone,
It's very good that you can be honest about how you're feeling. I've been there too. It's not easy to deal with those feeling when everyone says you're blessed to have such wonderful children. All I can say is that once I got my depression and anxiety under cntrol those feelings started to fade. If you're not getting the proper care from your doctor you may want to think about finding a new one. I'm on two different meds for my problem and it took years to find the right combo. Keep trying and don't give up. Does your family know you're stuggling this bad? It may be time to have a family meeting so everyone is on the same page. Family counseling helped me with that and meds and meditation helped with my internal issues. Just remember it just takes time and work to finally pull yourself out of that pit. You can do it! I'll keep you in my prayers
 
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Mamo1017 replied to Mamo1017's response:
Sorry I replyed to asb11's post but I meant to reply to Jamie_W's. Sorry about that.
 
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Azcrabcakes replied to Mamo1017's response:
Jamie, it is wonderful that you realize where you are. I urge you to seek help, and possibly anti-depressants, for a time. I know the feeling, but for your children's sake, focus on them. Tell them you are not feeling well, and it is not their fault. Spend short periods of time with them, perhaps an ice cream out, or watch a short TV program together. Retreat before you are feeling edgy. Spend time in short bursts, but often, while you get help. Kids are resilient, but they need lots of love and attention. Read them a short story, and retreat. Be sure they know the problem is an illness and not them. If you focus on them now, it will help. Get involved. Also, spending one-on-one time is helpful. Go to one child's room for a 20 minute period and just focus on that child.... check their homework, talk about their day... hug them. Make cookies together. I think spending some time with each child alone will go a long way. I also know if you focus on the kids and not how you feel, for the moment, it will help. Tell yourself you are going to sacrifice all for them. Of course, you need time for you too. When with the kids, focus 100% on them, and when alone, meditate and focus on healing. It will take time, with a therapist and possibly medication, but you CAN do it. YOU are important, to your family and the world. We all have our reason for being here. I also suggest Glenn Beck's book "The Seven Wonders". It is very inspirational, yet light. I am almost finished and plan to re-read it so the ideas sink in. Please love your kids and yourself! I wish you all the best. You CAN do it. (I did - and you can too!) "665
 
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Azcrabcakes responded:
Jamie, I did not remember your whole post. There are many anti-depressants, and sometimes it takes a while to find one that works for you. As hard as it seems, I do believe there may come a time when a mom needs to live apart from her children. But you must explain carefully that it is NOT their fault or anything they did. If their father can take them, or a grandmother... say for a set period of time. IF they know you will be reunited it will make it easier. Give yourself some time to heal, with intensive therapy. You must find a good therapist to reach the root of your pain, and begin healing. You may need to try several therapists, but do not give up! Yes, there are many ineffective ones. Keep trying. Join a church and get active there... volunteer in the sound booth, distributing bulletins, etc. So... to recap, 1) Love your kids and decide if you need to live apart for a time 2) Seek out a good therapist 3) Find a good anti-depressant. There are man y and you can find one that can work for you 3) Love yourself 4) Volunteer at a church or food bank, or something where you can see the good you are doing 5) Recognize your own self-worth and develop it 6) Exercise - sounds lame, but believe me, it helps many problems 7) Smile - like AA says, "Fake it till you make it" . The muscles used in smiling actually release feel-good hormones, so SMILE Try SAM-E or St. John's Wort. Both are over the counter supplements, and they work well on many people. 9) Stick with it 10) I have confidence in you - you asked for help, didn't you? That means you want things to improve. That's your first step! Go for it!
 
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Anon_157874 responded:
OMGosh, I am so with you! No one will understand unless they have to deal with this! My husband tries to understand but I do feel that I am less of a good parent since he knows how I feel. Even my father would notice that I was trying to leave the house as often as I could. My mother was bipolar so I would think of all people who would understand it would have been my father. I have not been declared bipolar but sometimes I wonder. I do require a lot of time by myself, I don't like the TV turned way up and I have two children that want to crawl back inside me. I have had people tell me if I would spend more time with the kids they wouldn't be as demanding of me as they are but I know in my heart that the kids enjoy me more than anyone else in their life. My son has anxiety like me, he is only 9 but I see what he is struggling with and I know how to help him, help himself. I see that there are "Martha Stewart" moms out there and I wish I could be like that but I'm different. I have to remind myself to slow down and try not to get so much done plus when my kids are up in my face, I tell them to relocate. Everyone needs their own space.
 
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pinkglitter replied to Anon_157874's response:
I am with you, too. I love it- "Martha Stewart" Moms. (And I thought I was the only one who looked at those kind of mothers like that- I call them the "cutesy Moms."

Having depression makes me doubt myself as a parent all the time. I feel like I don't do a good enough job with my son. I get frustrated with him and his homework. And I berate myself for getting that way.

I could say so much here about how depression affects parenting. And you know, this is the first time I've heard someone discuss how depression relates to parenting. I'm so glad to have found this post. Now I know I'm not alone with how I feel.
 
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clipper1956 responded:
All of us moms (even martha stewart moms) never do it all right. One part of being bipolar or depressed is that you are the hardest on yourself. All children are born without an instruction label and we all do as much as we can for them throughout life. I still lay in bed sometimes and wish I would have done this or that for all my adult children. I'm not bipolar or I don't have depression but my mom-n-law and hubby have both. I see these things with experience of raising 3 children and all the mistakes that I have made as a parent but hardly any family doesn't have some disfunction and most children will be ok from disfunctional family life but some have a harder road of life and will be effected and the best thing you can do for them is try as much as you can to be there for them ( I failed in some areas) and try with your best to love them (I failed in some of those areas too) as much and as many times as you can, don't beat yourself up, but appologize to any adult children that complain and tell them you'll try to be a better Grandparent, and pray pray pray alot.
 
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tderksen3 replied to Mamo1017's response:
I too didn't want to be around my kids or my spouse. It took 3 years of trying different levels/kinds of medication before we finally found what works best for my depression. I take a combination of 3: Strattera, Wellbutrin and Lamictal. We added on the Lamictal because the Wellbutrin was causing quite a bit of fluctuation in my moods. Even on meds I still didn't like to spend a lot of time with my kids - they are sweet lovable children but are very noisy and constantly in action. I'm now divorced (other issues) and I eagerly look forward to "my" nights on Wednesdays and every other weekend. It's taken me by surprise at just how much having those times away from the family helps me appreciate being around them when they are with me.

I don't know anything about your situation so I don't know that I can offer any advice. For me, I had to take time for myself away from the kids. When I was married, that meant having my spouse and kids go visit his parents, or for me to go by myself to visit my parents for the weekend.

The more I read other posts on this site the more I realize that I am not alone in how I feel. Thank God, because I thought I was a freak, not wanting to spend all of my time with my kids. There will always be others who tell me I need to spend more time with my kids, but I have come to realize that in order to be the mother they need I have to first take care of me. I'm taking the kids out this weekend for a day trip, but have already planned to get together with friends Saturday night to unwind and de-stress. I've learned that I have my l limits and to put a game plan into place to help accommodate my needs. It seems to help the kids as well. I feel that we have a closer relationship than we've had in quite some time.
 
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clipper1956 replied to clipper1956's response:
also when I was 20-40 yrs old I had PMS bad and I didn't want to be around anyone because everyone got on my nerves. So a little quiet time and tell others it's your quiet time away helps (alone time somewhere for a while) reading (it helped me) or a movie alone.
 
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Rochella53 responded:
For many years I was on various antidepressants, which didn't help very much at all. Finally, I found a psychiatrist that prescribed several medicines along with my anti-depressant, which has shown me a world without depression, FINALLY! One of the medicines is the kind you take when the anti-depressant isn't enough. For most of my life I suffered with depression and it sure feels good to finally be free of it. I understand what you are going through, and if you can at least be free of the depression then you can work on these things that are probably making you depressed. I wish you the best.
 
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Rochella53 responded:
Your children are never better off without you.
 
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Jamie_W responded:
Thank you everyone for the replies. I really appreciate the support, and for sharing how you have felt the same. I grew up without my father, and my step-father was less than idea. I can't say he didn't treat me like his own, I think he treated me better than his own son, but that wasn't much of an improvement. My mother worked all the time and now I can recognize that she probably suffered from depression as well. I still do not have much of a relationship with her. So I was determined to be a better parent, and it hurts so bad that I am failing in that. I have been on numerous different antidepressants, but am also horrible about staying on them one because they have not seemed to help and because the side effects are horrible. Then when I am ready to go back to the dr. I am afraid of getting lectured for not staying on my meds and put off going back. It also doesn't help that we have massive medical bill piling up from my husband being ill and my daughter requiring surgery that I feel guilty about causing any more. We have insurance and don't qualify for assistance, but the insurance keeps going up and covering less.
I have also tried counseling, I know I have a lot of issues including PTSD to work through again when I didn't see any results I couldn't justify an additional expense.
We have talked about getting divorced and honestly I think my depression is the major cause. I have no emotion towards my husband and fight with him whenever he tries touching me. I know it's not fair to him. And honestly if that did happen I know I would have to seriously consider letting the kids live with him. He is a great dad. But I don't know how I could do that without them feeling like I abandoned them.
I like the idea of trying to spend time with them in higher frequencies and less legenth and trying to break it up into one on one time instead of having them all together and fighting over me.
Thank you so much for the responses.


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