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Overwhemed and Crumbling... (Warning this a long one.)
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LadyCampbell84 posted:
Hello Community,
I am a 27 year old married active duty mother in the Air Force with two wonderful children. I've been taking care of my husband and children on my own financially since I've joined the Air Force in late 2008. Judge me all you want when I say this but I cheated on my husband once when I was in technical training school after basic training. He found out and we have not been the same for the past 3 1/2 years. I am not proud that I've committed infidelity at all, I hate what I've done and I've hated myself for years now.

My husband and I have been fighting for years since he lost his job in the Army. We met when he was in the Army in 2005. We moved fast in our relationship, not really giving time to truly know each other. He knew about my past relationships; every screw up I've ever did. Yet he still wanted to marry me. Later on I learned he married me aside from my screws up because he thought he could change me and truly loved me. Shortly after having our daughter 2 months early in 2005; we really started fighting a lot. I was dealing with post-partum depression hardcore; when I tried to tell my husband that I think I needed help he thought I was being overdramatic. So I kept getting worse; while I was getting worse he was expecting me to keep up with everything with the household and take care of his sexual needs. We were very sexually active back then, at least 7 times a day, every day before our daughter was born. He feels that I tricked him into marrying me because the sex slowed down. I was tired often due to taking care of our daughter (she had colic and I was breastfeeding) and dealing with my depression. I stopped wanting to keep the house clean, only worried about my daughter's well-being and kept spiraling down. The reason behind my husband losing his job was because we had a nasty argument and for the first time and his last time he snapped and attacked me. I don't remember for the life of me what I said to make him snap and attack me but he did. He was arrested for 55 days; shortly after that he was kicked out of the Army. He kept blaming me over and over for years; telling me if it wasn't for being with me he would've still been in the army. We could no longer afford the apartment in Washington, D.C. so we moved to Ohio; where his family lived. Ohio was an awful time for me because I left my family and friends behind; I only trusted his mother and didn't make any friends in Ohio. He is and still attached to his childhood friend/ex-girlfriend of 10 years and won't seem to ever let her live her life; he must save her. I am not allowed to talk to exes; but its ok for him to talk to her. We were working different shifts; his was day shift and I was 3rd shift. He would leave me home alone with our daughter to hang out with his friends clubbing and bars. Not once did he ask me out, he didn't want me around his friends because they didn't like me due to half stories about our situation. They do not know that I've been emotionally abused for most of this marriage and even more so worse now. Fast forwarding to the present; I have been enlisted in the Air Force for 4 years come December. I self-admitted myself in Mental Health after a severe meltdown I had in March this year over long distance fighting with my husband while he was in Ohio for a month. I was depressed, dealing with insomnia and wanted to die. I am deploying before xmas and I really believe that I will come home to an empty house. We just had an argument today about him not having sex again. I was very tired and passed out twice. At 5 am this morning, he was angry and told me he didn't need me for anything. I'm feeling worthless yet again and took my ring off to put it in its case because I feel like I will never deserve to wear it. EVER. I am doing it all on my own taking it all on my shoulders.. I don't know what to do anymore.. Theres more, but I post that later.. Help!

Shani
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lazydazey responded:
Oh girl, what a mess! I don't condone cheating, but some women do it because they are looking for intimacy, support, something they aren't getting from their partner, and it just made your situation worse....you cheated, the results weren't pretty, you can't undo it, you need to get into therapy or counseling if you aren't already, to get to the reason why you did what you did, and maybe in time you will forgive yourself, and not make that mistake again. Hating yourself isn't helping things. No one has the right to judge you but God.You also need counseling to help you figure out why you have stayed in this relationship that is so abusive; emotional abuse is still abuse, it wears you down, it destroys your confidence and your sense of self worth-throw in post partum depression and you have a hot mess. You are in an abusive situation, you need to get out-it most likely isn't going to get better, it's going to get worse. I am surprised the air force is wanting to deploy you when you are in this frame of mind. Is there someone in the military you can discuss this with? I don't know the rules with respect to the military, truly sorry for that.
As for "deserving to wear your ring"-you think he "deserves to wear" his? This man emotionally abused you and nothing, nothing gives him the right to lay hands on you or attack you physically-NOTHING. And he is still tangled up in some past relationship, supporting this other person when he should be supporting YOU. Find a domestic abuse shelter in your area and talk to them, they are usually very well trained to help in situations of abuse like this.
Marriage is about wayyyyy more than sex; it is also caring for each other, helping each other, sustaining each other, not being belittled, or abused or made to feel worthless, not being abandoned when we are overwhelmed, exhausted, and need help and support the most.
Your daughter doesn't need to be witness to this, and you wouldn't want her to grow up and end up in a situation like this, thinking it is normal or ok to be treated like this by her partner, would you? Reach out to your family, friends (even if they aren't where you live), tell them what is going on, even if they can't help in other ways, maybe they can at least give you the emotional support you need to help you through this. You are going to have to gather what strength you have left to get your life in order, but you can do it. Get in touch with a domestic abuse shelter ASAP. If there is something like this through the military, get in touch with them. Don't put it off, just do it. Sending you lots of prayers. Please keep us updated how you are doing, I am worried about you. God bless you, and help you put your life back together-for you and your daughter.
 
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barbarafromtucson responded:
Shani,

I agree completely with lazydazey. I'm not in an abusive relationshiop--but I can speak from the perspective of your child. I grew up in an abusive home, with an abusive mom.

My mom was (and still is) emotionally/verbally abusive all my life...and I've had issues with low self-esteem, depression, and other issues as a result from living in an abusive home.

You need to get out, not just for your safety, but for your daughter!!!!!

There are women shelters and other organizations out there for those who need to get out of abusive situations...I would encourage you to take the step to take you and your daughter out of it a.s.a.p.

My prayers are with you!
 
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LadyCampbell84 responded:
Hey there to those who replied;

Well we are in marital counseling; after I begged him to get individual counseling for himself because there are a lot of issues he needs to get out and get help for himself. The military the knows of our situation and is working with me to get as much help as I need. Yes it's been 6 years since he's laid his hands on me; yet he is still bitter about me rushing into the air force; losing the army and now the cheating. I wanted to get my family back on our feet. We were struggling in Ohio and I was tired of not being able to spend time with him and our daughter as a family. With two children now, I am working hard to take care of my husband and my daughter and son with one paycheck. I am doing counseling for myself and I was getting better; yet it takes ONE mess-up to destory an actual good weeks of no fighting. I miss one day of sex and he freaks out. It is going on 4 years AFTER my cheating and he still can't move on about it. He's constantly holding that and everything else over my head. I swear he's addicted to sex and I'm just an f**k buddy. I want to be more than just that. I KNOW I'm more than that. I know I am depressed but I'm not so far gone that I am unable to deploy. A month ago my husband was getting paranoid about what I am doing on my phone so I gave him my phone. Mind you he's being going into my email accounts, facebook and yahoo accounts to see if I'm talking to other guys. He's changed the passwords so he'll know whenever I change my password he'll change it back. However, after I surrendered my phone to him I snapped. Something in me just screamed "ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP!!" and he was trying to walk away from me and I jumped on his back. He would not give me my phone no matter how many times I asked for it. I got tired of being monitored. I basically have no right to privacy, no right to enjoy my hobbies. I mean there is nothing I can do without being critisized for it. I have stopped enjoying things I loved to do. I lost interest in being social, I changed my looks and still dislike the way I look.. I can't keep weight off... Let alone my mother is dying and I keep getting treated like a piece of meat instead of a person. I am the one doing everything, yet he thinks he can get his needs fulfilled after my home looks like crap? Why do I have to clean up after a grown man? We switched roles and he's not doing his part. He tells me I'll never be his equal, for someone who is a military kickout who is NOT earning any money in the household has no business telling me that I'm below him. Even with the situation I am in, I can still do my job the best that I can, passed my physical training test in the top category; passing my college courses with high grades yet I'm still below him. There is something very wrong with this picture. I'm at a loss here, and worried that I will snap again and it won't be pretty. I'm not in trouble with the military for my actions a month ago, they know that I was way past my limit. I've been stepped on for so long that I lost it but I controlled my rage; it could have been worse. I felt horrified right after he got out of the apartment, I turned into him that day. I thought I just gave the ticket to take my children away and ruin my career... I'm still just wondering when will it get better, I'm tired of these rollercoasters...

Shani
 
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barbarafromtucson replied to LadyCampbell84's response:
Shani...you need to get off the rollercoaster. You do not deserve to be treated like this. It is normal for there to be hurt and anger when there's an affair...but to hold onto the hurt/anger and to continue to hold it against you...that is wrong. If you've expressed sorrow for your affair and you've taken steps to show that you are sorry and that it won't be repeated...he should be coming around to forgiving you and allowing you to take the steps to build up that trust again.

An abusive person, whether the abuse is physical/sexual/emotional/verbal, will not change his/her ways until he/she recognizes that he/she has a problem and is wanting to change. You can NOT change that person or force change on that person.

This is why you need to get out. Even if he never lays another hand on you...he's still laying his 'hand' on you emotionally/psychologically. And I do not know how young your children are--but he will most likely be abusing them as well at some point!!!!
 
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lazydazey replied to LadyCampbell84's response:
Shani, (what a pretty name by the way!) what barbarafromtucson said is just what I would've said-but might I add, he is not getting past this, and I don't think he will. This is not good for your kids to be around. He contributes nothing to your life but pain and anger-doesn't help around the house, doesn't contribute anything financially, emotionally abuses you-exactly why are you keeping him around? Do you think so little of yourself that you think you won't be able to find someone that treats you with decency and respect? And/or do you think you don't "deserve" someone that treats you with decency and respect? You say you are in marriage counselling-and he still moniters everything you do, won't let you have any privacy; doesn't sound like the marriage counselling is working, at least on his part. Does the counselor know he is behaving like this? And what about the counselor you are seeing on your own or is it the same one? I would think that any counselor that knew how he was behaving and continuing to behave would agree that this is abuse.
You think he's acting horrible now, wait until you're deployed-and not where he can directly control you; abusers hate it when they lose power and control over you. Of course that would give you a break from him for a while, maybe give you some breathing room to think about things and make a plan to get out of this mess...but there is also the fact that as the time for you to leave draws closer, he may realize this too-how is he going to react? If you don't do something about this situation before you have to leave, what may he do when you're gone?
You say you finally snapped when he wouldn't give you your phone.....what is it going to take for you to snap and decide to save yourself and your children? Even if you don't feel that you "deserve" saving, don't you think your children do? Don't they deserve a mom who isn't constantly on edge and upset and stressed out? As I said before, do you want them to grow up thinking it's ok for married people or couples to act this way? Even if your kids are young, children notice a lot more than you think, what do you want them to see, what do you want them to learn? Only you can make the decision to get out of this situation-only you can save yourself and your children, only you can take that first step. I urge you to do so. It doesn't get better until you get yourself out of this situation. Take care, and please get yourself out of this-you deserve better.
 
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gd9900 responded:
Shani hon (((((HUGGS))))) I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You are worth more than being a f*** buddy. He's using you in the name of anger and resentment and its turning you into someone you are not.

My husband told me you can't give love unless you have love to give...you must love yourself first. I'm worried that you don't feel that way about yourself. He's definately not loving or supporting in his role as a husband. And you've stated the role-trading to which he isn't holding up his end of the bargain. Are any of these issues a deal breaker for you?

First thing that strikes me is your deployment. Go to JAG and speak with someone about your situation. Find out what you can do to protect you and your kids in case he decides to blindside you while you are away. Deployment is hard enough without having to worry about what is going on back home.

I want to ask you to read, and re-read, and re-read again what you've written and put thought into what you've lost of yourself in this relationship. Ask yourself for your sake, is it worth continuing on this path? Do you want to continue suffering with his lack of love and respect for you? Is his lack of love & respect affecting the love & respect you have for yourself?

Girl, please keep us posted...there's a lot of love & support on this site.
 
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bakuphil responded:
Hey, I'm new here also.I read your post and it was like reading about my marriage. I grew up in an abusive home, mentally and physically. I then married into it and believe me it never gets any better, and they can not see where they did the wrong, because to them it is NEVER THEIR fault, it is always yours or mine or anybody else. I understand how you are feeling, believe me I really do. There is some things you need to do: GET OUT OF IT- Do Not try to make sense of it all because it will drive you crazy- It is NOT your fault. Yeah maybe you responded in ways you are not happy about, but remember it was a response to him mistreating you.- PRAY PRAY PRAY God loves you and He does not want you to be treated like that.You don't deserve it. I will pray for you and I hop you will keep posting. It really helps.
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
I kind of did this backwards, i read your most recent post before this one and after reading this, it is clear. Get the hell outa there. I grew up in Ohio, its a nice place to call home, but it is one of the most depressing places on the planet i swear. For all the crap he puts you through and for him to say that he loves you is complete horse sh#t. He is completely taking advantage of you. You may not realize it, but you are the rock of your family, with out you, he would fall apart. He takes you for granted and he knows that you will never leave him, so he does what ever he wants. He doesnt want you to get better, because he knows when you do get better, your going to leave his sorry ass. I didnt say "if" you get better, i said "when" because you are going to get better. If and when you do deploy, first i hope you return home safely and second, if that house is empty its a blessing. You can start to live YOUR life and you can get custody of the kids, he has a history of abuse and your the provider for the family. Finally, when that happens, get as far away from ohio as you can. You seem like a very kind person and I am sure the right person is out there for you, who will treat you the way you deserve to be. Clearly its not the way you are being treated now. Stay Strong!


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