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Depression and loss of love??
ChiRunnerGirl posted:
My boyfriend suffers from depression. He started taking medication after we started dating. In my opinion he went from being a kind, attentive, affectionate, sexual person to being none of that. When I tried to talk to him about it he would just shut down. He would say that he did not feel that the medication was even working..he still have depressed thoughts/feelings. Yet when I tried to tell him to see if a different medication would suit him better, he did not even want to talk about it. I was supportive in the beginning when he told me that he was going to take antidepressants and that he sometimes went to a psyhciatrist. But he doesn't see the psych. on a regular basis and he continues to take this medication that does not seem to help with his depression.
As I said, I feel it has changed him He has no desire to have sex.He treats me as a platonic friend when before he said and acted as if he was in love with me. It has gotten to the point where he commented that he doesn't take joy in anything in life...including our relationship. He works hard..he lives a healthy lifestyle. He went from being a heavy drinker/smoker/out of shape person 4 years ago to being a non drinker/non smoker who works out 5 days a week. Yet he says that even going to the gym doesn't seem to make him happy anymore. He does not seem to want to talk about anything related to his depression, our relationship and my feelings as to how everything could have changed so drastically in the past two months.
At this point he has ended it with me..saying that he feels as if we are just friends. He was the one who stopped being intimate with me. I tried to give him time...did not want to force anything...yet when I finally asked him what was going on...that is when things came to an end. Can depression make you feel as if someone that you love means nothing to you?? Or..it could be that he just doesn't love me like he said he did. But I think I noticed a huge change in him when he started taking medication.
Any comments?
As I said, I feel it has changed him He has no desire to have sex.He treats me as a platonic friend when before he said and acted as if he was in love with me. It has gotten to the point where he commented that he doesn't take joy in anything in life...including our relationship. He works hard..he lives a healthy lifestyle. He went from being a heavy drinker/smoker/out of shape person 4 years ago to being a non drinker/non smoker who works out 5 days a week. Yet he says that even going to the gym doesn't seem to make him happy anymore. He does not seem to want to talk about anything related to his depression, our relationship and my feelings as to how everything could have changed so drastically in the past two months.
At this point he has ended it with me..saying that he feels as if we are just friends. He was the one who stopped being intimate with me. I tried to give him time...did not want to force anything...yet when I finally asked him what was going on...that is when things came to an end. Can depression make you feel as if someone that you love means nothing to you?? Or..it could be that he just doesn't love me like he said he did. But I think I noticed a huge change in him when he started taking medication.
Any comments?
4 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:Depression and loss of love??My boyfriend suffers from depression. He started taking medication after we started dating. In my opinion he went from being a kind, attentive, affectionate, sexual person to being none of that. When I tried to talk to him about it he would just shut down. He would say that he did not feel that the medication was even working..he still have depressed thoughts/feelings. Yet when I tried to tell him to see if a different medication would suit him better, he did not even want to talk about it. I was supportive in the beginning when he told me that he was going to take antidepressants and that he sometimes went to a psyhciatrist. But he doesn't see the psych. on a regular basis and he continues to take this medication that does not seem to help with his depression.<br />As I said, I feel it has changed him He has no desire to have sex.He treats me as a platonic friend when before he said and acted as if he was in love with me. It has gotten to the point where he commented that he doesn't take joy in anything in life...including our relationship. He works hard..he lives a healthy lifestyle. He went from being a heavy drinker/smoker/out of shape person 4 years ago to being a non drinker/non smoker who works out 5 days a week. Yet he says that even going to the gym doesn't seem to make him happy anymore. He does not seem to want to talk about anything related to his depression, our relationship and my feelings as to how everything could have changed so drastically in the past two months.<br />At this point he has ended it with me..saying that he feels as if we are just friends. He was the one who stopped being intimate with me. I tried to give him time...did not want to force anything...yet when I finally asked him what was going on...that is when things came to an end. Can depression make you feel as if someone that you love means nothing to you?? Or..it could be that he just doesn't love me like he said he did. But I think I noticed a huge change in him when he started taking medication. <br />Any comments?
whynowIask responded:
Hi, sorry to hear you are having such a time of it. I have been on antidepressants for over 10 years and still have depression. The antidepresssants have help me very much. One thing about depression is that it can really dampen a mans sexual drive. I know it did mine. But, after getting properly diagnosed and properly medicated, my sex drive came back.
Sounds to me as if your boyfriend is not willing to get his depression properly treated. He needs to, you can't do it for him. This is not your fault! I do not believe having depression can cause you to stop loving someone. I have not stopped loving my wife. If anything, I love her more for standing by me and wanting to see me get better.
Speaking from personal experience, it sounds to me like your boyfriend has other issues that he is either not adressing or admitting himself, or not letting you in on. Typically, there are other illnesses that come along with depression. In my case, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I am also addicted to prescription pain killers. I am working on addressing the childhood sexual abuse, and my wife has been bery supportive. It has made us grow closer - not farther apart. Not working so much on kicking the pain killers, but gotta chose your battles wisely if you know what I mean?
How you handle this is up to you. But, like I said I think your boyfriend has other issues besides the depression that he is not letting you in on.
Good luck and I hope you found this helpful.
Sounds to me as if your boyfriend is not willing to get his depression properly treated. He needs to, you can't do it for him. This is not your fault! I do not believe having depression can cause you to stop loving someone. I have not stopped loving my wife. If anything, I love her more for standing by me and wanting to see me get better.
Speaking from personal experience, it sounds to me like your boyfriend has other issues that he is either not adressing or admitting himself, or not letting you in on. Typically, there are other illnesses that come along with depression. In my case, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I am also addicted to prescription pain killers. I am working on addressing the childhood sexual abuse, and my wife has been bery supportive. It has made us grow closer - not farther apart. Not working so much on kicking the pain killers, but gotta chose your battles wisely if you know what I mean?
How you handle this is up to you. But, like I said I think your boyfriend has other issues besides the depression that he is not letting you in on.
Good luck and I hope you found this helpful.
Report This| Share this:Depression and loss of love??Hi, sorry to hear you are having such a time of it. I have been on antidepressants for over 10 years and still have depression. The antidepresssants have help me very much. One thing about depression is that it can really dampen a mans sexual drive. I know it did mine. But, after getting properly diagnosed and properly medicated, my sex drive came back. <br /> <br />Sounds to me as if your boyfriend is not willing to get his depression properly treated. He needs to, you can't do it for him. This is not your fault! I do not believe having depression can cause you to stop loving someone. I have not stopped loving my wife. If anything, I love her more for standing by me and wanting to see me get better. <br /> <br />Speaking from personal experience, it sounds to me like your boyfriend has other issues that he is either not adressing or admitting himself, or not letting you in on. Typically, there are other illnesses that come along with depression. In my case, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I am also addicted to prescription pain killers. I am working on addressing the childhood sexual abuse, and my wife has been bery supportive. It has made us grow closer - not farther apart. Not working so much on kicking the pain killers, but gotta chose your battles wisely if you know what I mean?<br /> <br />How you handle this is up to you. But, like I said I think your boyfriend has other issues besides the depression that he is not letting you in on.<br /> <br />Good luck and I hope you found this helpful.
ChiRunnerGirl replied to whynowIask's response:
Thank you for your comments. It is a diff. situation. Perhaps
you are right..there very well could be more things going on
that he is not telling me. But due to him not wanting to discuss
anything pertaining to his depression, or for that matter anything all all that he finds difficult or unpleasant , I have no clue. He has totally shut me out. On top of it...he doesn't seem to care. I am all for standing by someone during diff. times but when the person totally pushes you away...what can you do?Thank you for saying it is not my fault. Part of me realizes that..yet it is so easy to blame myself and say maybe I could have handled things differently, maybe i could have done something more. I wish you all the best and am very happy that you have someone who has stuck by you!
you are right..there very well could be more things going on
that he is not telling me. But due to him not wanting to discuss
anything pertaining to his depression, or for that matter anything all all that he finds difficult or unpleasant , I have no clue. He has totally shut me out. On top of it...he doesn't seem to care. I am all for standing by someone during diff. times but when the person totally pushes you away...what can you do?Thank you for saying it is not my fault. Part of me realizes that..yet it is so easy to blame myself and say maybe I could have handled things differently, maybe i could have done something more. I wish you all the best and am very happy that you have someone who has stuck by you!
Report This| Share this:Depression and loss of love??Thank you for your comments. It is a diff. situation. Perhaps <br />you are right..there very well could be more things going on <br />that he is not telling me. But due to him not wanting to discuss <br />anything pertaining to his depression, or for that matter anything all all that he finds difficult or unpleasant , I have no clue. He has totally shut me out. On top of it...he doesn't seem to care. I am all for standing by someone during diff. times but when the person totally pushes you away...what can you do?Thank you for saying it is not my fault. Part of me realizes that..yet it is so easy to blame myself and say maybe I could have handled things differently, maybe i could have done something more. I wish you all the best and am very happy that you have someone who has stuck by you!
whynowIask replied to ChiRunnerGirl's response:
Thanks, yes I was very lucky to find such a woman. Sounds to me like you are alot like my wife 
You are right - difficult situation when one shuts you out completely. Again, not your fault - nothing you can or could have done. You're doing what those of us who are Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) survivors call the "what ifs". What if I would have fought off my abuser, what if he was not stronger than me, what if I could have prevented it? Nothing I could have done, I was just a child. Nothing you can do, he won't let you in. Sounds to me like his loss! You seem like a very nice, very sweet girl and you are not to blame!!
It is not easy to hear "maybe you should just find someone else" especially if we still care about the other person. But, for your own sake - you may want to look elsewhere. If there is one thing I know, it is that there is a person out there for everyone. I know it sounds cliche, but it is true. You will find your soul mate and you will know when you have found him!
Good luck, and take care!
You are right - difficult situation when one shuts you out completely. Again, not your fault - nothing you can or could have done. You're doing what those of us who are Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) survivors call the "what ifs". What if I would have fought off my abuser, what if he was not stronger than me, what if I could have prevented it? Nothing I could have done, I was just a child. Nothing you can do, he won't let you in. Sounds to me like his loss! You seem like a very nice, very sweet girl and you are not to blame!!It is not easy to hear "maybe you should just find someone else" especially if we still care about the other person. But, for your own sake - you may want to look elsewhere. If there is one thing I know, it is that there is a person out there for everyone. I know it sounds cliche, but it is true. You will find your soul mate and you will know when you have found him!
Good luck, and take care!
Report This| Share this:Depression and loss of love??Thanks, yes I was very lucky to find such a woman. Sounds to me like you are alot like my wife <img src="http://img.webmd.com/community/images/smile.gif" align="top" border="0"> You are right - difficult situation when one shuts you out completely. Again, not your fault - nothing you can or could have done. You're doing what those of us who are Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) survivors call the "what ifs". What if I would have fought off my abuser, what if he was not stronger than me, what if I could have prevented it? Nothing I could have done, I was just a child. Nothing you can do, he won't let you in. Sounds to me like his loss! You seem like a very nice, very sweet girl and you are not to blame!!<br /> <br />It is not easy to hear "maybe you should just find someone else" especially if we still care about the other person. But, for your own sake - you may want to look elsewhere. If there is one thing I know, it is that there is a person out there for everyone. I know it sounds cliche, but it is true. You will find your soul mate and you will know when you have found him!<br /> <br />Good luck, and take care!
susiemargaret replied to ChiRunnerGirl's response:
hello, C --
i'm so sorry i didn't see your post until today, and i hope you are still following this thread.
i agree with everything that W said -- esp that (1) this is not your fault and that (2) until your boyfriend is ready to get help in a serious way, there is no way you can "make" him get help.
in the meantime, let me make a different suggestion, and it is that it might help for you to see a counselor, at least for a few sessions. this will be an emotionally safe place to talk about your day-to-day problems, but it will also be a source of objective advice and feedback on how best to approach your boyfriend, whether you can come to terms with your boyfriend's decision to shut everyone out, and what your own options are in terms of trying to maintain a relationship with him.
i think the best you can probably do at this point is to send him an e-mail or a short note saying that you are there for him when he is ready for a relationship again, then leave the door open (if you are so inclined), then get on with your life. i know, it sounds brutally callous to just throw your hands in the air and say, i give up, but i don't think you have much choice. the breaking point, of course, will be up to you if he continues not to respond to your overtures.
this is one of the most insidious parts of depression; it affects not only the depressed person but everyone around him/her as well. i am so sorry.
-- susie margaret
i'm so sorry i didn't see your post until today, and i hope you are still following this thread.
i agree with everything that W said -- esp that (1) this is not your fault and that (2) until your boyfriend is ready to get help in a serious way, there is no way you can "make" him get help.
in the meantime, let me make a different suggestion, and it is that it might help for you to see a counselor, at least for a few sessions. this will be an emotionally safe place to talk about your day-to-day problems, but it will also be a source of objective advice and feedback on how best to approach your boyfriend, whether you can come to terms with your boyfriend's decision to shut everyone out, and what your own options are in terms of trying to maintain a relationship with him.
i think the best you can probably do at this point is to send him an e-mail or a short note saying that you are there for him when he is ready for a relationship again, then leave the door open (if you are so inclined), then get on with your life. i know, it sounds brutally callous to just throw your hands in the air and say, i give up, but i don't think you have much choice. the breaking point, of course, will be up to you if he continues not to respond to your overtures.
this is one of the most insidious parts of depression; it affects not only the depressed person but everyone around him/her as well. i am so sorry.
-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
Report This| Share this:Depression and loss of love??hello, C --<br /> <br />i'm so sorry i didn't see your post until today, and i hope you are still following this thread.<br /> <br />i agree with everything that W said -- esp that (1) this is not your fault and that (2) until your boyfriend is ready to get help in a serious way, there is no way you can "make" him get help.<br /> <br />in the meantime, let me make a different suggestion, and it is that it might help for <b>you</b> to see a counselor, at least for a few sessions. this will be an emotionally safe place to talk about your day-to-day problems, but it will also be a source of objective advice and feedback on how best to approach your boyfriend, whether you can come to terms with your boyfriend's decision to shut everyone out, and what your own options are in terms of trying to maintain a relationship with him.<br /> <br />i think the best you can probably do at this point is to send him an e-mail or a<b> short</b> note saying that you are there for him when he is ready for a relationship again, then leave the door open (if you are so inclined), then get on with your life. i know, it sounds brutally callous to just throw your hands in the air and say, i give up, but i don't think you have much choice. the breaking point, of course, will be up to you if he continues not to respond to your overtures.<br /> <br />this is one of the most insidious parts of depression; it affects not only the depressed person but everyone around him/her as well. i am so sorry.<br /> <br />-- susie margaret
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