Depression Community

Shanisha ,I wrote you a long reply but it didnt post .Go to the doctor .Iwill write more later my hands are killing me .You are not alone .

Shanisha,

I have been down this road myself and it is not a fun place to be, it just seems you sink deeper and deeper into this hole. But there is a way out, its not easy and it doesnt happen over night. First off, thank you for your military service, that alone has given you the tools to be a strong individual. I will not throw stones, we all have our pasts and we are not perfect. But coming to terms with our past is the challenge, for the longest time thats all i did was reflect on my mistakes and my short comings during my life. It gets you nowhere and all you do is dwell on what you have done wrong and we eventually blow it out of proportion and make it seem so much worse and wrong. The truth of the matter is, we cannot fix the past, what is done is done and we have to move on. All we can do is learn from those mistakes and use them to our advantage in the future. As for your husband, I dont know him, but he seems as though he may have his own issues to work thru. Your spouse is supposed to be supportive of you and your dreams. The fact that he doesnt allow you to do anything socially is complete BS. You mentioned that you love him and that he is very dear to you. Do you really feel that way? or are you just trying to make yourself feel that way? If he was so dear to you, wouldnt he allow you to be the best Shanisha you could be? I am a couple years older than you are and I am recently divorced. That was the main cause of my depression and to be honest, I was the main reason for the divorce. I beat myself up over it for months and months, but after i was able to look back and realize that it may have been mostly my fault, it wasnt completely my fault. She had her moments too.It wasnt until then that I was finally able to release alot of the anger and self hatred i was feeling. By no means am i suggesting that you get divorced, you have a family. But when someone strips away all of your being and personality and your desire to live, you have to keep your options open. Your training has given you the tools to be a strong independent person who can rely on themself. But for some reason, you feel that you have to please your husband. We can only truely please one person in our lives and that is OURselves. I recently read a book that may interest you, it is titled Anxious to Please. I found it to be very inspiring and extremely revealing of myself. It was that book that helped me start to turn my self loathing life around. Also one of the things that helped me clear my head was writing poetry. It was very dark and grim, but it helped me see my thoughts on paper and get them out of my head. For years i was never able to write poetry on anything positive and then all of the sudden it happened. I wrote an amazing poem about how strong i was and how i need to find the confident person i used to be. Its something i read atleast once a week just as a pick me up if i do start to feel upset. Believe me im no sandburg or frost and no matter what goes on that paper i never once told myself im a horrible poet. Just let the pen go and you'd be surprised what comes out and how incredible you feel when you begin to write. Those are a couple things that helped me start to get my life back on track, am i fixed...hell no, but im heading in the right direction. Shanisha, you CAN do this with or with out your significant other. But you need to tell him that your feeling this way and you want to get help, if he truly loves you the way you think he does, he will support you 1000% If not, you may want to reconsider how he feels about you, you may find its better to climb this mountain alone, with out any excess baggage. All the best and stay strong!

Thank you for the replies..Its so hard to get out of this horrible feeling that is overtaking me. We had a bitter arguement about everything; including an ex gf he refuses to let go so she can live her life.... I don't even want to get started on that mess. I'm just sitting her really depressed and feeling unneeded. I'm working so hard yet feel like there is nothing in return for me. I keep giving and giving and I never expected anything in return. I need my husband more than ever but it seems like he only wants me to be there fore him and him not being there for me when I need him the most.... I honestly don't know how to even get him to grasp the situation in our relationship... I've been in Mental health for also a year now and I am getting better in some ways but he seems to make me worse off...

Well if he is not there for you, then you might just be better off on your own. that way you can live "your" life and do the things you want and enjoy your time here.