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Trigger Alert : I'm in a very dark place and not sure if I ever will get out of it...
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LadyCampbell84 posted:
[TRIGGER] Hello Everyone.

I posted a discussion on here 3 months ago. (Overwhelmed and Crumbling) I am in a deep dark place... Where I don't want to be. I have no friends to hang out here with.. I'm stuck feeling like theres no end to this madness of my marriage.

Here is a re-introduction of myself. Not that it matters I'm just a useless woman only here to provide sexual needs of my so called husband of 7 years.

27 yrs old not so happily married active duty in the Air Force with two children that deserves a happy home. I was going to deploy in November shortly after thanksgiving last year; but with my luck it wasn't happening. I have orders to Germany and I'm not sure if I want to take my husband with me. I'm living in misery and lonliness.

I'm not perfect.. Nor will I ever see myself as anything great. Why? I cheated on my husband 4 years ago. He constantly reminds me of that. I have expressed never ending sorrow and regret about my infedelity. I am working hard on my own to provide for my family, and all my husband and I fight about is sex.

He says we're not just about sex, but miss a day of sex and he flips out. I suddenly have another lover or something he thinks. Before him I was used and used for sex often. I've had two abortions a year apart from my stupidity 10 years ago. Long before I met my husband. I still have nitemares about the abortions.. They haunt me. I am not a religious person and go f**k yourself if you are a religious nut and condeming me to hell for those abortions. I was young, jobless and the father to be was not responsible to provide for the children. So I made the decision that was best for myself and those unborn children. I don't care if it was selfish to anyone reading this, I refused to raise children in a horrid situation.

All of my real friends are back home in my hometown.... I have no privacy.. No real free time to myself. My only social life became the Sims 2 pc game to fill the social void I'm condemed with. My husband thinks if I go out with friends is because I want to get away from him and not spend time with him. I'm ALWAYS around him... ALWAYS. The friends I had here I lost because of him.

I've been so locked away for so long.. That I can't handle being around crowds... Grocery shopping gets scary and shopping at the mall is overwelhming. I'll start getting nervous and want to leave whereever we are.

I don't feel interested in anything I used to love doing. I started getting into crocheting but hubby started complaining when I spent too much time on a project. I was getting pretty good, now I don't want to bother with it anymore.

Why am I still with this man? I don't know. I know that I love him very much and he is very dear to me.. But I don't feel that I am that dear to him, just a piece of flesh for his sexual needs. Here i am depressed as hell; in need of real friendships and a social breather. I've been getting alot of mood swings either severely sad or very upset.. I'm afriad to try medication since I haven't been dianosged with depression yet... I feel like my children deserve better... Like I don't need to be here anymore. What good am I to my children if I'm all depressed and crap around them?? I'm not my happily spirited self, I used to be easy going, positive and laid back. Now I'm short tempered, excessive worrying, vast mood swings and depressed. I wonder if the Air Force will keep me at this rate...

Please help, I just want to crawl in a corner and die already. I hate feeling this way; I want to get my old self back.. She was happier... Where did she go???? I'm getting help, I'm trying.... Just way does sex have to be so excessive??? I wish my Husband could see the real me and not try to make me like him... Help....

Shanisha

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grandmapain responded:
Shanisha ,I wrote you a long reply but it didnt post .Go to the doctor .Iwill write more later my hands are killing me .You are not alone .
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
Shanisha,

I have been down this road myself and it is not a fun place to be, it just seems you sink deeper and deeper into this hole. But there is a way out, its not easy and it doesnt happen over night. First off, thank you for your military service, that alone has given you the tools to be a strong individual. I will not throw stones, we all have our pasts and we are not perfect. But coming to terms with our past is the challenge, for the longest time thats all i did was reflect on my mistakes and my short comings during my life. It gets you nowhere and all you do is dwell on what you have done wrong and we eventually blow it out of proportion and make it seem so much worse and wrong. The truth of the matter is, we cannot fix the past, what is done is done and we have to move on. All we can do is learn from those mistakes and use them to our advantage in the future. As for your husband, I dont know him, but he seems as though he may have his own issues to work thru. Your spouse is supposed to be supportive of you and your dreams. The fact that he doesnt allow you to do anything socially is complete BS. You mentioned that you love him and that he is very dear to you. Do you really feel that way? or are you just trying to make yourself feel that way? If he was so dear to you, wouldnt he allow you to be the best Shanisha you could be? I am a couple years older than you are and I am recently divorced. That was the main cause of my depression and to be honest, I was the main reason for the divorce. I beat myself up over it for months and months, but after i was able to look back and realize that it may have been mostly my fault, it wasnt completely my fault. She had her moments too.It wasnt until then that I was finally able to release alot of the anger and self hatred i was feeling. By no means am i suggesting that you get divorced, you have a family. But when someone strips away all of your being and personality and your desire to live, you have to keep your options open. Your training has given you the tools to be a strong independent person who can rely on themself. But for some reason, you feel that you have to please your husband. We can only truely please one person in our lives and that is OURselves. I recently read a book that may interest you, it is titled Anxious to Please. I found it to be very inspiring and extremely revealing of myself. It was that book that helped me start to turn my self loathing life around. Also one of the things that helped me clear my head was writing poetry. It was very dark and grim, but it helped me see my thoughts on paper and get them out of my head. For years i was never able to write poetry on anything positive and then all of the sudden it happened. I wrote an amazing poem about how strong i was and how i need to find the confident person i used to be. Its something i read atleast once a week just as a pick me up if i do start to feel upset. Believe me im no sandburg or frost and no matter what goes on that paper i never once told myself im a horrible poet. Just let the pen go and you'd be surprised what comes out and how incredible you feel when you begin to write. Those are a couple things that helped me start to get my life back on track, am i fixed...hell no, but im heading in the right direction. Shanisha, you CAN do this with or with out your significant other. But you need to tell him that your feeling this way and you want to get help, if he truly loves you the way you think he does, he will support you 1000% If not, you may want to reconsider how he feels about you, you may find its better to climb this mountain alone, with out any excess baggage. All the best and stay strong!
 
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LadyCampbell84 replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
Thank you for the replies..Its so hard to get out of this horrible feeling that is overtaking me. We had a bitter arguement about everything; including an ex gf he refuses to let go so she can live her life.... I don't even want to get started on that mess. I'm just sitting her really depressed and feeling unneeded. I'm working so hard yet feel like there is nothing in return for me. I keep giving and giving and I never expected anything in return. I need my husband more than ever but it seems like he only wants me to be there fore him and him not being there for me when I need him the most.... I honestly don't know how to even get him to grasp the situation in our relationship... I've been in Mental health for also a year now and I am getting better in some ways but he seems to make me worse off...
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to LadyCampbell84's response:
Well if he is not there for you, then you might just be better off on your own. that way you can live "your" life and do the things you want and enjoy your time here.


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