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Trying---Might Trigger
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soulkeepers posted:
[TRIGGER] Only through struggles will I find peace.With a piece of me take away now I begin to understand.Hollow out this machine like chest with the gears that turn to make me feel.And assembled thoughts that fade away remove from me,this deception.

I think that's enough room in case this is triggering to anyone here.

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So I went to the ER cause the pain was to much to bare.Didn't have any beds for me cause I not suicidal just deeply depressed.I told the doctor I don't want to end my life just my pain,even though I had cut my arm badly.I told her that I haven't been this depress in about three years and one of the factors of it is an upcoming date of the accident.So I got stitched up and she continue to talk.So I just kind of give her a quick rundown of what''s been going on the last month or so.It was like I couldn't keep it all in anymore cause some of it was just making me angry.

The negative impression I have in my head about everything and turning all my anger inward.It's making my depression that much worst.And I don't know how much longer I can go on like this without getting help.I'm forcing myself to eat and if I'm lucky it's twice a day,forcing to get out the house but not enjoying it much.If I go out then I have to take a two hour nap before I do anything at home.All of this is just draining me,I'm on edge all the time and in pain everyday.

I spent just about the whole evening there but I think we have a start.She paged a psychologist that I spoke with which was brief but helpful.Before I left there I was relaxed and the pain was tolerable with Valium.So that takes care of two of my problems but I have to wait to start working on the rest of me.I have to try and keep things together for a little while longer,my appt to see pdoc is not until Feb,7.She's going give me a call tomorrow to discuss things we can set into motion until my appt.I can honesty say that I'm looking forward to that cause I need to get out of this dark place I've sink so deep in.

And tonight I get to sleep,some much needed sleep.Haven't been sleeping more than two or three hours a night and some nights none at all.

Thanks for listening to me babble.

Evonne
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DEC122 responded:
Just hold on, stay here with us. We are all in this together. You are not alone.

I can also feel the darkness lurking. Doesn't go away completely. I keep it at bay with the help of the meds and to stay busy or just keep my brain busy. To stay out of my head. The negative thoughts are from my brain and if it is busy it will help keep them out.
 
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soulkeepers replied to DEC122's response:
DEC122,

Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts on this.Sorry that you have to play keep-away with the darkness as well.Glad you're able to keep it at bay with replacing the negatives with things that really helps you.I truly appreicate you taking the time to relate to my thoughts.

Depression is an evil cycle that sucks you dry.The ups and downs are draining as well and one or the other doesn't last that long.They shifts rather quickly and really kind of ticking me off.Depression makes me feel that no one cares about what's happening to me.It makes me feel like I'm totally alone in all of this to fight on my own.There's too much going on to keep up with replacing each thought or feeling with another.

All of this is just making me physically sick to my stomach.Don't mean to come off as being rude or anything to you and don't want you to think I'm taking my anger out on you either.I just feel like I'm being suffocated with everything.

Evonne
 
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susiemargaret responded:
hello, evonne --

i'm glad that you went to the ER, and i'm esp glad you were able to talk with someone who understood what you needed to say. i hope the follow-up will be good.

i send caring thoughts to you.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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jla86 responded:
[TRIGGER] Just to start, please don't think i'm trying to compare my situation to yours or anything like that, I just want to share a little with you so hopefully you'll be reminded that you're not alone no matter how dark it seems.

My father took his life when I was 9, after bi-polar and alcohol took over. My mother and brother are also on meds and therapy, which leaves me no one to talk to except my 2yr old. I hate myself for feeling "dependant" on pills to try to fill normal. The hate turns in and causes massive stomach aches that make me a constant visitor in the er just to be told i'm faking it. They took my driver's license away after my 7th seizure in 3 months since I refused my medication. The closest I go to leaving my home is the mailbox, but most times I just dont have it in me to care what bill came in that day. Everyone says it'll get better if you do this or that or whatever they do, but the first step is the biggest of all which i'm sure you know.
Now that i've rambled so much (sorry), i've decided to go outside the box to find a way to feel normal. I know i just said different people heal different ways, but anything's worth a chance when you have nothing to lose..
about 2 months ago, I opened all the blinds in my house and cut the lights on, giving the effect of being outside yet still safe at home. I kept a sleep journal for a week recording when, how long, and why i slept. once i saw the pattern in my "mood swing naps", I made it a point to find some upbeat noise like music or cartoons and turned it up loud during those times so i had to stay awake making me sleepy at night when i need to be. I'm now happy to say after 8yrs of constant depression, last week i took my son for a walk in the park for the first time without fear or sadness. it only lasted a few hours, but it just shows anything IS POSSIBLE, but sometimes you need the help of a flashlight before you get close enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel.. to quote what you said "thanks for letting me ramble" I really hope if nothing else you dont give up and you find youre happy place!
 
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susiemargaret responded:
hello, evonne --

did you have your apptmt with the psychiatrist on feb 7? how did it go?

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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soulkeepers replied to susiemargaret's response:
Susie,

Thanks for asking and yes I did.It went good I guess,ya know it was the first one.She's getting more docs on the team cause to deal with me you need more than one.

I met with her when I admitted myself,my mom and I got into a stand off but it was the wrong battlefield.I went in to keep from doing something I would regret later even though I don't like her.

Thanks again.......Evonne
 
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susiemargaret replied to soulkeepers's response:
hello, S --

i'm glad to hear from you. i think you did the right thing.

be patient with yourself now. i send you caring thoughts.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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soulkeepers replied to susiemargaret's response:
Susie,


I believe I thing as well but I feel really rotten.She's getting away with one more thing.

I'm going just hide under my covers and cry myself to sleep.


Thanks for your caring thoughts and support.

Evonne
 
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susiemargaret replied to soulkeepers's response:
hello, evonne --

i apologize for taking so long to get back to you.

the important thing is not whether someone is "getting away with one more thing." the important thing is that you are doing the right thing for yourself, and it sounds as if you are.

i hope you are feeling better by now.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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soulkeepers replied to susiemargaret's response:
You don't own me any apology!!!!!!!!!!!


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