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    what to do! what to do! what to do!
    LunaNatasha posted:
    [TRIGGER] small trigger - I find myself more isolated from others every day, even though I have a job where I have to work around people all day. It is getting harder to act like everything is "fantastic" when I feel like my life is ending. I am becoming more obsessed with getting rid of my stuff and unnecessary furniture, preparing for my own death. I want to cry all the time. I take 6 to 8 pills of klonopin every day and 6 pills of Ambien or Restoril to sleep. My doctor just prescribed Luvox, but he really wanted me to go to the hospital. I'm too smart for that....I've been dealing with this for too many years and know how to outsmart a doctor. When I killed myself before, I did it. I literally woke up in a hospital because unfortunately my roommate came back too soon and called EMTs who were able to pump my stomach and shock me back to life. All I think about are my death plans. My home life stinks, I live alone, my job is beyond stressful and miserable, I am sick with Crohn's disease and on chemo and I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I can't sleep even with the excessive amounts of meds and I barely eat. It's always been the hope that things will get better that keep me going, but facing down another birthday with no family, being divorced twice, no kids, and all the aforementioned crap, I just don't know what to do....I don't know if I can live another year of my miserable life!!!!!!!! please advise!!!
    lukeperry responded:
    [TRIGGER] Hi Natalie,

    I hardly know where to start, except to say I know exactly how you feel and I am so sorry. The first thing that comes to my mind, is you are being over medicated. I use to be you, and I couldn't take any anti-depressants. They all made me suicidal. So I only took tranq's, to get me through those day's.

    I found this board and met stranger's who really cared about me. They would make me shower, leave my house, and basically made me feel I wasn't alone.(for the 1st time)

    I use to write on here all day, then I started feeling stronger and stronger, thanks to them. Then I got breast cancer, had to go through chemo, radiation, and finally a mastectomy.

    The only thing that helped me was God. When I 1st heard the word cancer, I thought I'd lose my mind. I also got kind of excited to be finally dying! Without me having to do anything, except, refuse treatment.

    That night, when I almost went insane, all the sudden God let me know that he would take care of me. So I said,"please let me have the strength to go through this?" He took care of everything, even the depression. All the sudden, I wasn't alone(not with all those cancer people to help you.) I was happy everyday, because I was special. I had cancer. I was no longer just me. (that sounds really sick)

    I don't care, all I know is God made me have no side effects, what so ever. Except me going bald, of course! Him staying by my side, made me fearless, and even want to live.

    He's still by my side right now, and it's been 7mo. I'm still deliriously happy. All you have to do is ask God to please let you feel him next to you. And you will never feel alone again, plus he will let you see things, you never saw before.

    It's really weird, but when I look at things like the sky, grass, or a bird, your everyday normal things, use to see. Well, when he's by your side, they all look like a fairy tail picture, or something.

    All I know is, you have nothing to lose. Ask God to help you, and start taking less of those pills, that obviously aren't working. God bless you.

    susiemargaret responded:
    [TRIGGER] hello, L --

    please reconsider your plans right now and call your psychiatrist or therapist or a crisis hotline, , or go to an ER. if you have no one to drive you, call 911 or the police if you have to. the people at the ER will help you calm down and will help you decide on what to do next.

    these thoughts about your life being worthless are not your true self speaking; they are your depression speaking. these are only thoughts, and you do not have to act on them. this is one of the most vicious parts of depression, it tells you lies about your life and makes you believe things that are not true.

    i don't what what dosage of clonazepam/klonopin you are on, but -- depending on whether it has been prescribed for anxiety/panic or bipolar disorder -- the customary dosage ranges from 4-20 mg/day. the customary dosage for zolpidem/ambien -- prescribed for insomnia -- is 10 mg/day for the "regular" kind and 12.5 mg/day for the controlled-release kind. finally, the usual dosage for temazepam/restoril -- also prescribed for insomnia -- is 7.5-30 mg/day, with the recommended dosage being 15 mg/day.

    the bottom line, in other words, is that you are taking way too high a dosage/day for each of your psych meds. moreover, klonopin interacts with both of your other meds to depress breathing; this may sound like what you want, but it is not, please believe me.

    does your psychiatrist or therapist truly know how terrible you are feeling? you are not giving them a fair chance to help you if you hide your emotions. you say you know they want you to go in the hospital; this is not the worst thing that can happen. the hospital is a safe place that will give you an opportunity to rest and to restore your energy and your spirits.

    i wish i had more inspiring words to offer. i can tell you, tho, that i know you secretly don't want to die; your reaching out to us shows that. please give yourself another chance, and please call your psychiatrist and/or therapist immediately. if you can't reach either of them, please call a crisis hotline or go to the ER.

    i know from personal experience how unhappy you are, but you don't have to live like this. i send you many caring thoughts and hope that when things settle down, you will write us again and let us know how you are doing.

    -- susie margaret
    what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    [TRIGGER] Hi LunaNatasha,

    I hope you are able to hear what others have been saying to you.

    You need help now and are cheating yourself by not being honest with your doctor and going to the hospital. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by going. I am so sorry life is such a struggle for you and hope you get the help you need and deserve which, I hope, will include ongoing therapy. Dealing with a painful and chronic disease can be so difficult.

    Please pick up the phone and call 911 or a crisis line and tell them exactly what you've told us here.

    Take steps to keep yourself safe.
    LunaNatasha replied to lukeperry's response:
    [TRIGGER] Luke,

    I am a Christian and even see a pastoral counselor as well as I was a member of a Christian small group until recently. I used to feel like God loved me and would get me through I know he wants me gone.
    LunaNatasha replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    I don't have the luxury of going to a hospital...I do not have sick days at my job and lose $300 a day for every day I miss. if I miss, I can't pay my bills. I don't have a husband, boyfriend, or family that can pay my bills. Besides, after you get out of a hospital, life is still the same...same crappy job, same stress, same slum, same isolation, the only thing that will have changed is that I won't be able to pay the rent from missing work. I don't have options.
    Chris_WebMD_Staff replied to LunaNatasha's response:
    Hiya Luna,

    You do have option hon. You have the option to try and get better. You need to start somewhere and reaching out for professional help is a start. You asked us to please advise and we are. We are all telling you to reach out and get the help you so much deserve. The only way things will change is if you work at it. I understand it's a lot of work and there are sometimes when we take one step up and two steps back, but keep going. Hurting yourself is NEVER the answer. You have us, but you need to reach for help offline as well.
    Please look into the crisis links that the others have provided.
    That is our advice.

    When the world says, Give up,
    Hope whispers, Try it one more time.
    ~Author Unknown
    lukeperry replied to LunaNatasha's response:
    How could you possibly know what God wants for you? (unless he tells you) You said you are a christian, yet your saying God wants you gone. To him, you are the most precious person, that he has ever created!

    You are saying you know better then God. He created you directly from him,(you are made from a part of him) You are a direct descendant from God.

    Tell him that you need him, this very second. And, he will be right beside you. Do it! I can tell you that, without any conviction, he will be there. God bless you!

    Didn't you mention chemo, or was I wrong?


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