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Chez, talk to me
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MyRain posted:
You're scaring me. What do you have planned?
Hang in there, deep breaths, one hour at a time. We can do this.
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chez1 responded:
Hi, I am here, please don't be scared, I am not.


I really pushed everyone to far today, I have said some very bad things which were just cruel and there is no way back from it.

I have lots of time to think and I am happy with where I am at, it just makes sense. I wont take any action just now, I have my brother up staying so will have to keep myself going until the end of the week, it will be hard but will give me time to sort things out at home
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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Demons2011 replied to chez1's response:
Yea!!!
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
Chez,
I understand the part about saying bad things and I understand that your brother is visiting, so you don't want to get into stuff with him around. But what kind of action are you talking about taking?
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
[TRIGGER] hi myrain, this is my second attempt to post so hope it doesnt come up twice.
firstly, how are you doing after the weekend? have you had some rest?
me, i am still feeling quite calm, in control i think....
my brother leaves on friday and i plan to take a half day at work. i have child care and notes sorted for the kids. i am in the process of building up meds, buying so much everyday, where i can i have checked excess doses for each one and dont plan to exceed that what i cant find is interactions between them. i am looking for some peace and rest. thatvis as far as i have got.
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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susiemargaret replied to chez1's response:
[TRIGGER] TRIGGER -- TRIGGER --

hello, C --

if you don't plan to use excess meds, why are you stockpiling them in the first place? please don't do this; you can make it with getting your meds one day at a time. don't put yourself where your temptation to act will be easy to respond to; there are other choices available.

as for saying cruel things that have "no way back" from them, there are very few things in the world that can't be apologized for if you are genuinely sorry you said them. if you're not up for it in person, you can always write a note. it's true, apologizing doesn't make something un-happen or make emotions un-hurt, but it is better than not apologizing, and this is so whether or not someone accepts the apology.

we are here for you as much as you want/need. please lean on us; i know you aren't feeling very strong right now, but that's what we're here for -- to help you be strong and to give you some of our strength. and it's just like hugs; there's always plenty more where that came from.

as you know, i am usually up until quite late, and i will hold your hand thru the entire night if you tell me that you need someone to stay up with you. if i weren't willing to do this, i wouldn't offer, so don't take this as a meaningless gesture. it is a true one.

please keep writing, and please consider calling your good friend, but don't shade the truth about how you are really feeling. she would be devastated if something happened to you and she realized you had been lying to her all this time. she would feel betrayed, and you would have indeed betrayed her, in the most visceral and possibly unrecoverable-from way.

i'll check on you periodically during the day. i send caring thoughts and many little treasures from my heart to give whatever solace they can.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
[TRIGGER] Chez,
I heartedly second what Susie Margaret said.
I am very concerned about you. Please reach out for help. Please keep writing here and please take advantage of Susie Margaret's generous offer as well.
There are options other than overmedicating.
Hugs and love.
 
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jaws86 replied to MyRain's response:
You have been a rock helping me and I appreciated. You and the other members have been a Godsend, especially your calm quiet computer voice in helping others
 
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chez1 replied to jaws86's response:
[TRIGGER] thank you all for your kind words, i just want to give you all some reassurance. this feels right, i havent felt so calm for such a long time. i have to find somewhere to go to stay on friday night, i am thinking camping, just me and my wee tent.
i am seeking a bit of respite, i am being as careful as i can with med selection, i have checked recognised od amounts for each and as i said before i wont build up that much.
my true aim is a night, day and night sleep and i will do what i can to prevent an accident.
thank you all again, please dont worry i really feel this is the right choice for me
x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to chez1's response:
Dear Chez,

That calmness you feel is part of the illness. Your plan is potentially very dangerous, particularly since you're not talking to anyone other than us here about it.

Please call someone in your life and let them know what you're planning and get the support you need. If you need rest, work on another plan with someone so you are monitored and checked and can do so safely and in a safe environment.

Please call a crisis line and start pursuing the help you need and deserve.
 
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chez1 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
[TRIGGER] Ok, so I am reading the responses and see what you all have to say, but I cant see why my plan may be flawed and to be honest I don't have any other solutions, any ideas that come to my head fill me with fear, that knot in the pit of my stomach, this one is comforting, it feels right.
I appreciate that there is a risk attached but I am a strong believer in there are two things set in life - the day you are born and the day you die - god picks those dates, we make choices in between that dictate the way our lives go but those two are set.

But I tell you what, I am open to ideas from anyone....

Also I can't tell anyone that this is what I am thinking, that would be cruel, I could not put that responsibility onto any one. And I don't know where to get help, crisis lines firewall, I don't need that - not that I know what I need, maybe help, maybe I will just go back to a plan to sleep
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
Chez,
Sorry but your plan as is is not a good one.
Since your husband is basically not involved, why not get one of your very good friends who lives nearby to help you? Can you just hang at her house for the weekend? You wouldn't have to spend every waking hour with her, but you could have meals together, and she could just check in on you if she needed. But you could spend good chunks of time on your own resting, or journaling or whatever it is that you need. And no stockpile of OTC.
Ultimately I think you know what you need but are not yet willing to make the committment to get into intense care.
Please be wise and listen to your friends here who know what it's like and want what's best for you.
 
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Hawtmom replied to chez1's response:
I agree with MyRain, you need to make a new plan, that includes your safety being a priority. Sounds like you should go to the hospital to be evaluated, tell them what you are thinking, let them help you, stabilize you, then you will feel better and can get past this. I know your plan sounds easy, but life isnt easy, especially for us, we have to fight even when we dont think we have it in us, it is in there...make the right choice and go to the hospital. They will help you, safely. Please do whats best for you and your family.
 
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chez1 replied to chez1's response:
[TRIGGER] hi ladies, thank you.
At the moment, I am going to hang onto my plan, I probably have enough meds, I have been keeping my daily prescription and have a months supply of fluoxetine, now as I write this I think I am scared, but then I have been scared for weeks and weeks, and I have tried to seek help with no improvement.
I think I have been unfair about my husbands lack of input, he tells me he does care but just doesn't know how to help me, he finds it difficult to believe I feel so bad because outwardly I am fine, apparently managing home, work and social life with ease!!! If only.....
I am not sure if I cant or dont want to go and stay with a friend, my dearest friend lives in Ireland, if I could go there I would, she would know to leave me be but check in on me as well, she is the one who knows most of what is going on.
As for local friends, I do have 2 friends I could stay with but it would be awkward, one knows how I am, it was her house I went to on Saturday when I refused to come home, but she has her own problems, and my other friend that I could trust doesn't know anything and I really cant share with anyone else, it is just too hard.
My other close friends don't live locally, saying all of that I really just want to be on my own, I am fed up having to be babysat, I am an adult, it gets to the stage of ridiculous.

At this point, I can see the error in my thinking but I can't see a way to stop it or more to the point myself. I wouldn't have a clue about getting hospital care, I know that I am not considered unwell enough for admission, infact not unwell enough to even see a psych doc!
I really appreciate you all reading my posts and for being there, I may keep posting through the night, but then again I may sleep.....
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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Hawtmom replied to chez1's response:
Chez, you certainly sound like you qualify for hospital care. Please think clearly and if you cant then you need to leave the decisions up to someone who can.


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