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intersting
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chez1 posted:
have had an interesting evening. my thoughts, beliefs and understanding has been challenged, but bottom linevis i will do what i am going to do....
night night everyone, catch up tomorrow x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
Reply
 
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susiemargaret responded:
hello, C --

i'm not sure whether to be worried about you or not. you say that you will "catch up tomorrow," so i'm relying on that as reassurance that you are not planning anything self-destructive tonight. this is a huge relief to me!

on the other hand, you also say that you "will do what you will do." what does that mean?

who has been challenging your "thoughts, beliefs, and understanding"?

i send caring and restful thoughts. plus hugs, which i have dispatched in a separate shipment.

-- susie margaret
what good is gold, or silver too, if your heart's not good and true -- hank williams, sr.
 
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Hawtmom responded:
what does this mean Chez? Hope all is well
 
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chez1 replied to Hawtmom's response:
am safe tonight guys, thank you for suppoe
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
I am glad that you are safe tonight but I am with SM here in being concerned with your comment about doing what you're going to do.Please do not start stockpiling meds of any kind again. Keep us updated please and know that we care about you.
You are with a friend tonight, correct?!?!?!?!?
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
this post was written out of frustration, i hate night time and i hate being told what to do. i had hoped a night away would give me some relief from all that is going on but thete is no escape, no matter what i do or where i go, i am fed up of it.
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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chez1 replied to chez1's response:
sorry guys, this was very self indulgent. i shouldnt have posted and had you all concerned. i have no plans to stock pile meds, and i am tailoring off on the sh. i just want to feel better. sorry again
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
Sorry your time away didn't have its intended effect for you. Sounds like perhaps you are torn between wanting to be better and wanting to continue the ways things are.
Hope today you find some rest and comfort.
Hugs.
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
Hi MyRain
Do you think? I am not sure that I am having such a good time of it that I want it to continue, but interesting concept that I am making an active choice to stay unwell, I will give it some thought.
Hope you had a good nights rest and have something good planned for today
Cx
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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chez1 replied to chez1's response:
Hi MyRain, can you check in when you can please, let me know you are ok
Hugs
Chez x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
I'm here. Had my family over for lunch today so have been busy.
I am currently feeling unsettled. You see I wasn't able to exercise yesterday, I was just so tired, but I don't know why. I did exercise today but not enough, cuz I have gained weight. So I am anxious about that. I plan to go exercise again in a little while.
Can you tell me about your ED?
How are you doing?
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
TRIGGER
Glad you are there, I thought I had managed to make you really cross today, I don't ever mean to do that.


I first started having problems with eating and weight gain as a late teen, I had been swimming for national schools and gave up, when I gave up the weight went on. I am not sure that got to me so much I think I used it as an excuse to limit my diet, take excessive laxatives and vomit regularly to take control of everything around me. You know studying, fitting in with others, becoming independent etc.... I newer saw it as a negative and I kept it under control in the sense that no one knew, although I remember once whilst out for a family meal my sister telling everyone at the table that I had just made myself sick, I wasn't very happy. Another stage I remember when I started my first job, I ate only icecream and apples, not sure why those two but that was all I would eat, whether at work or home. For many years I could not eat in front of anyone other than family, which made it really difficult when at work or being away. It went on for years, it felt like the only way I could control me, as in feel in control, my weight yo yo'd, again I am not sure that was ever that big an issue, although I hate how I look and I am embarrassed about my weight.
Eating is no longer a problem for me, I enjoy going out to nice restaurants and meeting friends (when I am feeling better that is), I love to cook and have friends round, I am not in a place at the moment to loose weight healthily so the weight will just have to stay there, saying that I have little or no appetite at the moment but I make myself have at least one meal a day. Not sure this will help you MyRain but I am happy to share, again I am so sorry for upsetting you before, I will try and not do it again
Hugs
Chez x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
Hi Chez,
I am not upset with you, sorry if it came across that way. I didn't have much time this morning to write. I had so much to do before they came over.
I really appreciate you sharing your ED experience with me. Do you know what brought you out of the cycle? Or do you feel like you still are in it somewhat with only eating one meal a day? Am I reading correctly that your only motivation was control? Did you ever binge? If there's anything you don't want to answer, I understand.
Congrats on being such a great swimmer!
I am dreading getting on the scale tomorrow morning. If it doesn't go down I don't know what I'm going to do. I worked out twice today. I know this is totally warped thinking but I feel like a beached whale. Ugh.
How was your day today?
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
TRIGGERHi MyRain,
I think I naturally grew out of it in my late 20's, I went through a period of time where I was so happy and content in life or more to the point in myself, I had achieved at work, I started to love going out socialising (always had some anxiety about going out, but was ok after a drink), got married and had the kids, I didn't feel the need to control myself, I was happy and that happiness stayed for a very long time, actually in fairness under all this rubbish just now I am still happy!!
As far as I understand, control was my motivation, I did binge and I do think I am out of it, I am making myself eat because I know it is not healthy not to eat anything, see I can do some things to look after myself!!
I know this is a "out there" suggestion, but is there any chance you can avoid the scales tomorrow? You know it is going to distress you so why go there??

For me, the day has been as long as every other day, I am really tired of feeling so bad. I don't know what else to do, sh and meds don't work but I hold onto them like there is no tomorrow and continue to impulsively use them, I don't have anymore prescribed meds which I am finding frustrating as they came the closest to giving me what I was wanting, other than no sleep, I know it is wrong and I know I should not do it but when the feeling is there I don't know what else to do, I do try to contol myself but obviously just have no self-control.

Sorry
C x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
Hi C,
It is encouraging to me to hear that you no longer have an ED. Really. No self control indeed!
You don't have to apologize for going back to the sh and meds. I am not condemning you for using them. I just don't like you hurting yourself. I don't know if that makes sense to you or not. Meaning, who knows if what I write is clear! Just cuz I understand what I want to say doesn't mean anyone else has a clue!
I am sorry that you are in a cycle that is hard to break out of. I venture a guess that most if not all of us here are in at least one cycle or another.
I totally understand your suggestion for not getting on the scale tomorrow (rationally) but there is just no way I could do it. Think of it like your sh and meds I guess. I know I'm not ready to give up my disordered thinking/eating right now. I am fully aware of it.
One more question - I thought you didn't have any more OTC or prescribed meds left? Did you buy more OTC?


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