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TRIGGER
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chez1 posted:
[TRIGGER] Hi guys, firstly thank you all for your kind words throughout the day, each and everyone is appreciated.
I am feeling completely out of control at the moment, everything that I have in place for myself to take control has been removed from me, I can't get my hands on any meds, prescribed or otc as my husband has cleared the bank account and gives me "pocket money", all sharps have been removed from the house, although i did manage to grab a pair of scissors today from work, but that isn't working.
I am sorry to be quite so honest with this but I really am at a loss, I DO appreciate that people are trying to keep me safe but it feels like I have no say on what I am doing. I thought about getting mad drunk but alas no/very little alcohol in the house.
I have done the long hot bath, lying in a darkened room, relaxation stretches and breathing, I am just getting more and more wound up, I am so so cross, I wish I could just be left alone and to my own devises.
God knows what has triggered today to be so bad, is it just a build up, is it lack of sleep or just sheer self-centred, self-focussed selfishness.
I hear you all say, it is just the depression, it is part of the illness, you will get over it, to be honest I probably accept that this is possible but I believe you have to want it and work towards it, I don't want to work at it anymore, I am quite happy to sit and wollow in my own thoughts of self-destruction and pity. Warped or not, who cares!
Bottom line folks, I am safe as I am stuck in a bubble with no ability to breath or act on my own, so no need to worry.
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
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MyRain responded:
Keep writing as much as you need to. Thank you for the update and thank you for being honest. No putting you in your place right now.
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
Thank you MyRain, only a true friend could recognise what I was needing.
I am feeling more calm and better focussed, I will know about it tomorrow but I am happy to live with that.
Before I go through all the posts to catch up, how are you feeling now? you haven't had the best day either...
Love and hugs
Chez x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
You are very welcome and I think you meant to say only a true nutty warped friend!
I'm glad you are feeling more calm and focused.
I don't understand the part about knowing about it tomorrow?
I am feeling like a beached whale. Totally huge. Ugly. Worthless. You know.
But I am hanging in.
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
[TRIGGER] Hi nutty warped friend!So sorry you are feeling that way, please try and change your thoughts, try to be a little bit positive (pot/kettle I know)
I found some meds and some sh, not sure if for punishment or control, felt different this evening, desperate almost, scary but it worked!!
I hoping there will be folks about for a while this evening, it is past 1am here but I am so not tired!!
Speak Soon
Hugs
NWF x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
You found some meds and sh huh? So you are feeling better due to that, I take it? Why did your hubby crack down on the bank acct, sharps, etc? I'm just wondering on the timing of it.
I am bouncing back and forth between being semi-ok and not. One of those times.
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
[TRIGGER] truthful answer, I think he got as much as a scare as you did last weekend!!!
I don't pretend to be proud of these coping mechanisms but where others may see it as self destructive I see it as self preservation - yes maybe warped but helps!
Why you wondering about his timing? Tell me about being "semi-ok and not" - please!
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
I get it - I was more commenting on "finding" the meds - I thought you said earlier that he had taken all of them? I do understand your wanting/needing them. That part I get.
I was wondering if something specific happened today that gave him a kick in the pants to DO something. Finally. Ok, I am feeling a rant coming on and I'm not going to go there. Not tonight at least.
Oh, just one of those days that one minute I am kinda ok and the next I'm not. Like I'm not consistently horrible or consistently ok. Assuming you have those days too...
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
he has taken them all and as I said I only have access to small amounts of cash, the stuff I found was lying in the bottom of my bag, in jacket pockets, I was searching around the house like someone possessed! I know its not an answer but its the answer I have just now.
Please don't be cross with me but do tell me your rant, if its about me, I think I can take it (she says cowering away from the screen)
And yes to continuous good/bad moments!
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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Hawtmom replied to chez1's response:
Chez, I know you feel out of control but I am glad your husband wants you to be safe, think of it that way. The things he took out of your reach were not good for you and you know it. I hope you can cope without them. keep breathing.
How are your daily meds helping? has your doctor made any changes lately? I know you have been having such a hard time I would hope the doctor is trying something to help you.
I am glad you are posting on here instead of sitting with your thoughts and frustrations.
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
Ah, so you do have a secret stash, so to speak! Ha! Not condemning, but I'm sorry but it seems pretty funny to me. Remember, I'm warped.
I am picturing you running around the house dumping stuff out, turning things over, knick knacks falling, pictures falling off the walls. So entertaining.
No, the rant is about your husband. I am pretty darn good at kicking and I would like to get his butt within my range!
Cowering away from the screen is right! Just not for you, for him! I want to smack him bald headed! (Is he already bald???)
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
to be honest you would have been entertained, I was in every drawer, bag, coat, even out to the car in my jammies looking for anything that I could take, tomorrow daytime I think I will have to do the same upstairs (couldn't disturb the kids).

I am mad at him as he just did it, not discussion with me, and why now, I asked him weeks ago to help, he knew what i was doing but chose to ignore it then, taking away all my choices at one time just didn't work, even if it was meant with good intent. I do think it was a result of the weekend as in fairness I can't really remember too much about it, but at times he can be so thoughtless, he told me in the car on the way to work thi morning that the next time I choose to take an OD, tell him in advance!! here in Scotland we call him a "numpy - A reckless, absent minded or unwise person" usually meant as a term of endearment but not for me today. I think I just found my trigger!
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
That's the reason I want to kick and smack him upside the head. Hello? Where has he been all this time???
I am chucking about his request for you to please give him advance warning next time you plan to OD. Numpy - I like it!
Husband as trigger - not good. Too bad there isn't a happy medium - actual support at the correct level and correct time - what a concept. Ok, I am really on a rant tonight, aren't I? Somebody better pull the plug on me before I do some serious damage.
I like the mind pic of you running out to the car in your jammies! Too funny.
 
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chez1 replied to MyRain's response:
well i am going to leave you with that pic in your mind as I am going to try and sleep, potential four hours and given how emotionally exhausted I am I am hopeful I will use them all for sleep.
just as a note, I did not plan or think I did Od last weekend, just maybe a small bit more than should have been.
Thank you for being my nutty warped friend, (maybe have to add best in there soon)
Love and hugs as well as happy/content thoughts for you
Chez x
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily....... Zig Ziglar
 
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MyRain replied to chez1's response:
It is a happy thought to end the day with
I am going to log off too and start getting ready for bed.
Hope we both get some good sleep and are able to handle whatever tomorrow brings.
I actually didn't think you OD last weekend, at least based on what you posted. Too much, yes, but I didn't think it went that far. I'm not sure if you wanted it to or not.
Thank YOU for being my NWF. What would we do without each other?!?
Love, hugs and thoughts of voodoo dolls.
Good night.


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