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Help he's draining me
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An_245626 posted:
I have been married to my spouse for 2 years. When we were dating he didn't tell me he was depressed or had been to counseling for his negative outlook on life. Now one house, a one year old and a baby on the way later his depression has escalated. We keep trying different meds, but no solutions as of yet. He doesnt' have any friends. He doesn't have any hobbies. He doesn't want to be around my family. He only wants to be around me and our little girl all the time. I have no room to breathe. If I do something with my family he gets jealous. If I do something with my friends he gets jealous and tries to make me feel guilty. He out of the blue has stopped eating pork and changed his religious beliefs. I'm not sure who he is anymore. I feel like i'm always trying to keep him uplifted and it's sucking the life out of me. I used to be bubbly and outgoing, but when he's around it's like he strips me of that. We go out with my friends or my family and he just sits there. Is anyone else out there going through this? I'm trying to stay positive.
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Demons2011 responded:
The isolation and changes in religion are not that uncommon in those with depression. He sounds like he's trying to hang on. Right now you and child are his grasp at sanity. Get him back in counseling as soon as you can.

I'm speaking from my personal experience. I really don't know if that's what he's doing. It's what I did.

Hang in there yourself!!!!! - Some respond well to meds, and counseling. Some have a more difficult time and it takes longer. You have to have hope to bring him back to hope.
 
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An_245626 replied to Demons2011's response:
Your email has been an inspiration. Thank you.
 
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bdconnell responded:
Sending hope and prayers for your whole family. PLEASE get help for yourself as well as getting help for your husband. Having been on both sides of this "coin" (as the person with depression and in treatment, and now having a spouse with depression), I can fully appreciate just how this "sucks the life out of you"--this is a most apt description.
Counseling for you as a couple to deal with the changes and challenges in dealing with depression could be a great help and help open the lines of communication--which often become closed during these times. Counseling individually to deal with the problems each of you brings to the situation (and yes, BOTH individuals contribute to the problem albeit in very different ways).
You and your daughter, and the new little one on the way deserve better! To save your marriage and have a more joy filled life, PLEASE get help for yourself and support your husband in doing the same. Blessings and best wishes!
 
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scottieintx replied to An_245626's response:
Hi An_245626,

I have dealt with being depressed most of my adult life. It was my husband who "kicked me in the butt" so to speak and made me realize how selfish I was being by not taking my medication and taking care of my mental health! He put up with me a little while but then he told me that enought was enough! I could either get the help that was out there or he was going on with his life. Depression is a disease just like diabetes, epilepsy, or cancer. Would you just sit and let him go untreated with any of those illness's? Just because a couple of the medications so far haven't worked he must keep trying! It took me 4 medications until I found the right one. The important thing is I did! Also some medications take up to 6 weeks to really get the full benefit from them. Just remember depression is an illness and should be treated as one!
 
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Jeune1 replied to scottieintx's response:
Your husband reminds me of my personal "butt kicker." We weren't married but we were living together when I had my first major depressive episode. I did something stupid to myself and she gave me the same choices: Get in the car and let me take you to the mental health clinic or GET OUT.

I whined and cried and carried on.
She didn't budge.
I went to the clinic.
She saved my life.

The thing to remember is some people are just stubborn. (I'm one of them so I can say this.) Even when depression makes us limp and helpless, there's still a hard head under there!
 
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MKGilbert responded:
Please don't turn your back on him, but like everyone else is saying, make sure he gets help. I've suffered from depression all my life which has gotten much worse over the years...my hubby has stuck with me for over 28 yrs even tho he often doesn't know how to deal with it and turns away~I can accept that when I'm being mean and nasty, but when I'm having a crying spell I just need some sympathy and comfort...saying something positive usually helps get me out of the downward spiral of negative thots. When I started on medication it was like someone washed all the dingy windows! Amazing difference~sad to say it didn't last and I've had to change meds several times...but he does need to realize that it's selfish to drag other people down with him~some days I just need to spend time alone outdoors with my dog~meditating on Scripture and uplifting music are also very helpful.
 
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clipper1956 responded:
Been there, done that, wore the T-shirt! You poor thing, I married my husband 14 years ago and had a child the first year and he was exactly the same way with bi-polar as a secondary sickness. It really took a toll on my life I was so unhappy and to the point of nearly divorcing numerous times. You must stand up to him and tell him to keep seeking the help that is out there because it will only get worse if he doesn't because my husband tired to self heal and that was horrible, and don't give in to his weeknesses (complaining all the time and not doing anything) because they feed on the depression. I would have to go to all family get togethers by myself , still do some, he feels so insecure to get around my family who wishes he wouldn't have let me be alone so much in my marriage and not being by my side as a couple. You must tell yourself "I WILL NOT BE AN EXTENSION OF HIM" (negative) you must get your own strength and not me afraid of whatever happens (divorce, arguments, etc.) because he will see that you mean business and that business is love and care and that he not be so selfish by causing you to have a 'less than life' life. You seem to be like me and be a happy person. Good luck.


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